Two Tetchy Tyneham Troublemakers Terminated
Cricket, and our correspondent understands that Tyneham Cricket Club has dispensed with the services of their captain, Kenny van der Proteaman, and coach Leonard Rutland.
Tensions between the two have been simmering for several months. Proteaman was reportedly angry back in July, after Rutland hung a large net-like structure out the back of the pavilion and suggested the players 'practice'. Some players were also upset that Rutland had seen fit to ban alcohol and hallucinogenic drugs from the dressing room, and that scones, lager and ginger cake had been replaced at tea by high-energy drinks and bananas. At the time, the Tyneham Evening Post reported that a senior Tyneham player – now believed to be all-rounder Freddie 'Fatty' Arbuckle – had stormed out of the team meeting, promising to 'drink Tyneham dry' and was later rescued from the duckpond by an old lady with a bag of stale bread. Rutland, a former Symondsbury under-15 player, has also had his credentials questioned, with many players resenting the fact that he had never played at village level.
The final straw appears to have been the non-selection of opening batsman Mickey Yawn, a long-time club stalwart with a feared forward defensive, for a pre-season tour of Wiltshire. Proteaman was evidently keen on Yawn returning for the tour, while Rutland reportedly contended that Yawn's impeccable technique and ability to score runs meant he had no place in the Tyneham side. The stand-off between the two was only resolved when a letter from Proteaman appeared in the Evening Post, saying 'It's me or him'. The club committee, much to Proteaman's apparent astonishment, took this as an ultimatum and fired them both.
Proteaman's future at the club appears to hang in the balance. Tyneham's star overseas batsman, infamous for being dismissed attempting his 'reverse-prod' stroke, is currently on a squirrel-watching holiday on the Isle of Purbeck, and is unavailable for comment.
His successor as captain has been named as Tarquin Mozart, a good all-round egg who has regularly opened the batting for Tyneham Grammar School Old Boys.