h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In point of fact, the cheapest car always has the right of way as it is the car least likely to be insured. Driving something old enough to be old but not so old as to be "vintage" gives the driver almost carte blanche on the Los Angeles freeway system. If the driver is fortunate enough to have a large to gargantuan American car of mid-70's vintage, the driver need not even bother with mirrors or any undue movement of the head. Simply decide which lane you wish to occupy and watch other motorists dissolve away as they grapple with images of imminent, uninsured, death. If the other drivers do not have reflexes capable of dealing with the pace of your motoring, calmly get out of your car and proceed to explain that you do not have a license or insurance. For best effect do this in a language other than English. Don't worry about the constabulary; they do not involve themselves in accidents.

A few more points to note about right-of-way rules in California.

* Always release right-of-way to vehicles that are extremely dented, smashed up, or that indicate recent bodywork repairs (mismatched panels, excessive Bondo(tm) or primer paint scheme). The drivers of these cars are experienced road-accident participants, and will undoubtably have removed any devices that prevent their leaving the scene afterwards. Your vehicle, most likely hired from a local Dollar or Budget agency, will still have such devices activated, most notably the driver-side airbag and ignition/fuel pump cut-out switches. Also, drivers of these vehicles will most likely be uninsured, may not be licensed, and most will probably be armed.

* When driving in the San Francisco Bay area, it is common custom to "block" vehicles that signal a lane change. If you observe a car signalling to change lanes, you are to immediately pull up to just forward of the other driver's blind spot, thereby foiling his attempt to co-opt your lane. Failing to do so will immediately mark you as an out-of-towner, and therefore unlikely to commit vehicular assault on anyone that cuts in front of you.

* So-called "carpool lanes" (marked with a diamond symbol at regular intervals) are actually reserved for two special classes of drivers. The first group consists of young Internet entreprenuers driving small yet powerful sports cars. As these vehicles will be moving in excess of 90 MPH, merging into their lane will at least result in your getting honked at, intermixed with rude gestures and the occasional "right-hand-overtake-and-swerve" maneuver. The second class of vehicle allowed to use the diamond lane is the Gardeners Truck. These are usually pickups or flatbed lorries loaded with tools, compost, live trees, flagstones, and one-two occupants beyond the seating capacity of the vehicle. By law these vehicles are restricted to 10MPH less than the legal limit, and also are required to mark their passage with the occasional dropped object or vehicle part. Take care following one of these, as the obligatory sacrifices to the Cal-Trans road authority can and will damage windscreens. If any other vehicle attempts to use these diamond lanes, they will be pulled over and ticketed by the Cali State Police, who apparently ignore any number of passengers that might make the vehicle eligible for HOV status.

* Motorcyclists are "allowed" to partake in the often-suicidal practice called "lane-splitting." That is, as long as there isn't a policeman around, the bikers will arrogantly ride between cars whenever they feel like it. Some cops will attempt to reward such behavior with a ticket, but only if the motorcyclist appears affluent enough to afford it. Individuals riding Harley-Davidsons (and to a limited extent, vintage Triumphs) are allowed to ride in any manner they so choose, including riding in a reclined position with the head against the luggage rack and the feet up on the handlebars. individuals riding any brand of sportbike are pulled over summarily and given sobriety tests and/or body cavity searches.

* When driving on surface streets in California, it is adviseable to meander from lane to lane in an attempt to replicate Brownian Motion. This is to ensure that no one beats you to the next traffic signal. Young individuals driving powerful muscle cars will conduct drag races between lights, and regard any vehicles in their path as challenges to overcome, so changing lanes frequently and without any apparent pattern will make these races more interesting.

* If you are in San Francisco proper, drive your own vehicle everywhere, even if you go broke paying for parking. The alternative, that of being flattened by a Muni bus whilst crossing a street, is much more terminal and tends to embarrass your next-of-kin. Also, keep in mind that a monthly event called Critical Mass can provide hours of entertainment for the SF driver. Once a month hordes of bicyclists descend upon the downtown area during the commute hour, for the sheer purpose of riding about and cheering at each other. Maneuvering around, through (and occasionally over) the celebrants can be quite the evening pastime.

Another important point about California driving is that if you ever find yourself in the mood to look at the Pacific Ocean, you had best have a floatation device for your preferred vehicle. Most roads that "parallel" the ocean are only about 1/2 to 3/4 of a lane each direction, are incredibly high above the ocean, and require you to drive almost upside down. This is especially important for those of us wanting (lol) to drive on Highway 1. The northern part of Highway 1 or "The Coast Highway" is traversed by two types of drivers. One type is the tourist who wants to see the Pacific Ocean, and if possible, stop every five minutes to get a photo. The second type, much more dangerous, but a lot funner, is the local, who, despite the 120% grades and constant turns, manages to drive at at least 3/4 the speed of light.

Driving on the freeways in California is an experience unlike any other. There is one very simple guidline for out-ot-staters driving on California freeways: don't. In fact, one should never drive on a California freeway unless one has already done so many times before. Here are some other characteristics and guidlines of freeways in California:

• Freeways are either empty (from 12 o'clock at night to 4 o'clock in the morning) or packed (all other times). In fact, although highways in other states are usually designed to provide a faster way of getting from Point A to Point B, California freeways are intentionally designed to make 30 or 40 mile commutes take three hours or more.

• On most freeways (other than the ones whose top speeds never exceed 10 mph), the posted speed limit is 65. This means that if you drive slower than 80 miles per hour, either you will be rear-ended, or six cars will pull out angrily from behind you, accelerate furiously, and cut in front of you four feet away.

• In fact, the same goes for speed limits on any California street. You must drive at least five miles per hour above the posted speed limit if don't want to be rear-ended or constantly cut off.

• Turn signals simply don't exist during lane changes. You can and should signal your turns, although in most of Southern California, most streets bigger than one lane have left and right turning lanes at every intersection, so it's obvious when someone is going to turn. But you should never, never signal a lane change; you might shock or frighten the drivers behind you, who have never seen such a thing before. I mean, Californians are used to strange things (Hollywood being its own separate universe and all), but there's only so many surprises a California driver can take.

• Speaking of left and right turning lanes, don't think that these are in any way obligatory if you want to turn. In one out of every five intersections you drive through, at least one car will peal out angrily from the lane next to the turning lane and speed around the corner, cutting off whatever car is currently trying to turn FROM the turning lane.

• There has been some discussion about which cars have the right of way in California. In actual fact, the theories of most expensive car and most damaged car are both wrong. The car that always has the right of way is the one that has all its windows rolled down and is blasting angry rap at about 1,000 decibels. These are always either sports cars or bright shiny new pickup trucks. (People in California don't drive pickup trucks because they're useful for carrying stuff, they drive pickup trucks because they look impressive and intimidating.)

in palo alto in the 80's i saw the driver who definitely had the right of way over all other vehicles in the state; perhaps even over cosmic subatomic particles. it was a wmc between 70 & 170 years old wearing a crash helmet and driving in this curious manner: at a dead stop, he honked his horn vigorously 2 or 3 times, then accelerated rapidly, careened down the street about 25 yards, and hit the brakes. after about 15 seconds to regain his composure he repeated the procedure. anyone who entered into a collision with him would have been fully warned of the danger they were braving and would have only themselves to blame.

Interesting. I'd put that guy in a class all by himself (and hopefully far away from anyone else on the road).