This is the first time that the Knolly Estate has allowed the great man's memoirs to be published. What follows is the fourth chapter of 'The African Adventure'.

In Continent

So at last we set foot in Africa.

'Goodbye my friends' Trublemacher called. 'Good luck and take care of that rifle Mr Harrison-Harrison.' and he waved.

We waved back from the bottom of the gangplank and set off towards some
buildings lying alongside the ramshackle docks leaving the Schwazkopf
behind us.
'So Knolly, here we are then in Africa. Um... what's the plan then?' Bertie enquired. 'I know I could do with a bath and something to eat other than fish!'

'Hmmm' I replied.
'I mean to say, how do we get into Rhodes' confidence and close enough to scupper his expansionist plans... are you listening? We surely can't just walk up to him and say "hello Mr Rhodes, we've long been admirers of yours ever since you spoke at our school. Thought you were marvellous especially the bit about painting the map red and so we thought we'd come and join you and, by the way, have you got any really important jobs going?'' I looked at Bertie and grinned.

'And why not?'
'Knolly... that was a joke... Knolly you can't be serious.'

'Ah, just what the doctor ordered, a saloon brimming with hospitality I
shouldn't wonder. Come on I'll buy you a pint.' Bertie did a quick double take.
'I was just about to offer the very same, you don't think it's too early for a drink do you?'

'What, no... nonsense, I can't wait to get rid of the beastly taste of
coal dust and fish once and for all.'

So in we both went. There before us was a long bar running the length of the wall, at the far end a small stage and to one side a staircase leading to the floor above. Obviously lodgings of some sort I thought. There didn't seem to be anybody about, but I could sense them - well I could hear someone whistling and it wasn't either of us. We strolled over to the bar and dropped our bags loudly on the wooden floor (Bertie unslung his rifle and laid it down lovingly on the bar) in the vain hope that this might attract someone's attention.
'Hey, Knolly! Will you look at this' Bertie pointed to a playbill pasted on the wall behind the bar. He hopped over and continued to read aloud. 'For the benefit of Mr Kite, there will be a show tonight'.

'Kite? Here, let me see that Bertie.' He tore it from the wall along with some of the wallpaper and passed it across to me.

'Well I'll be... it is him. Look here, it mentions them all, the
Hendersons, that stupid dancing horse. Pah! Fred Kite. So this is where he ended up, the fraudulent wind bag.'
'It's an old bill Knolly. He’ll be long gone by now, but at least he's alive...' Bertie stopped deep in thought and was about to continue when the whistling stopped and the barrel of a gun appeared in the doorway leading off the bar. It was pointing in the vague direction of Bertie's head. The gun moved further in and we saw that the less dangerous end of the weapon was being held by a frightening looking woman who looked as if she'd broke no nonsense from the likes of us. I quickly tried to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation that Bertie was trapped in.

'Good morning Madam' I said doffing my hat. 'Two pints of your best ale please?' The woman grinned showing teeth that had obviously seen better days and some gaps that had obviously seen better teeth.

'We ain't open' she spat 'nor are we the kind of place that takes kindly
to them that helps themselves.' and she motioned to the poster and
wallpaper in my hands. There was laughter from above and behind. Bertie and I turned very slowly to see on the staircase some half dozen young ladies of various creeds and colours.

'Ah,' I said taking in the view 'I can see that would be the case Madam.
Permit me to start from the beginning. My friend Mr Harrison-Harrison here and I require board and lodging for a few nights. We've just arrived after a long voyage and need to make our way South to the Cape as soon as we've got our land legs back.' The staircase tittered and then up went a shout.

'Knolly, your life's mine this time.'
'Hmmmm,' said Bertie 'I was thinking that if Kite was here then there was a good chance we'd come across young Daphne Acres.' While Bertie was pontificating I stood transfixed watching the red-haired Daphne hurtle down the stairs, screaming at the top of her voice and heading for me with eyes ablaze.
'Permit me Knolly, excuse me madam.' With that Bertie launched himself back over the bar, caught Daphne mid fight, wrestled her to the ground and then sat on her whilst she seemingly foamed at the mouth. I slowly regained my composure and saw that what Bertie had just done regarding the loaded gun pointing at him was just dawning on him.

'Thanks Bertie, don't know what came over me there' I said
'S'alright Knolly, think nothing of it. What shall I do with her? I think she's a wee bit exited at seeing us again.' Before I had time to answer I felt something prodding me none too gently in my nether regions. I looked down to see that gun.

'Tell me Sir,' the woman asked 'am I correct in assumin' that your are aquainted with my Felicity?' I pushed the gun barrel gently to one side.

'Er... yes, if that's the name she now goes by.' Bertie chuckled and promptly found Daphne/Felicity's fist in his ear for his troubles.

'Gerroff me, gerrrroff, I'm a good gel I am... ' she wailed. The woman walked over to the pair on the floor and heaved Bertie off and clucked over her young charge like a mother hen.

'Now then Felicity dear, you go off to your room whilst I have a chat with these two... gentlemen. Clarissa, come and help her along and then you and the others can tidy her up.'

'Yes Miss.' replied a brunette wearing nothing but a smoking jacket. 'Come along Flis, hup we jump.' Felicity as we must now call her looked over towards me with tears in her eyes.

'This is all your fault. If you and your lot hadn't been chasing Fred and the rest of us all over England, I'd still be there and not in this Gawd forsaken place!' That was enough. The floodgates opened and she was led upstairs blubbing buckets. I must confess the poor thing did have a point. Bertie and I had been after Kite a long time as had many others, but he'd always managed to give us the slip at the last moment. However, it was her own youthful lust for excitement that had caused her to throw in her lot with Kite and his touring reprobates.

Bertie crossed over to us rubbing a glowing red ear.
'Well she hasn't changed much has she?' I smiled.

'No, not really and in answer to your question, Madam , yes we both know your Felicity from one or two previous encounters with Fred Kite. You strike me, however, as one of those good Samaritans who are trying to help her mend her ways... Yes?' The women blushed deep scarlet.
'Well you know how it is I'm sure. The poor little lamb had nowhere to go when Mr Kite left in such a hurry. He said he'd be back but... Anyway the customers find her pleasant to talk to and um... watch.' She winked at the pair of us.

'Of course.' I replied. 'Now about those rooms.'
'Um.. and the drinks!' chimed in Bertie. She walked back round behind the bar, put the gun who knows where and started work on pulling our drinks.

'Here you go gents,' she said putting our drinks on the bar. 'I must say
that we don't get many of your calibre passing through here so I'm willing to let you stay here in exchange for doing me a favour or two.'
Bertie and I looked at each other across our foaming beer tops.
'What sort of favours? ' he asked.

'Why a job, of course. Nothing you two wouldn't be able to handle I'm
sure. Just helping keep the peace in this place during the evenings entertainment.' Bertie smiled
'Would that mean drinks on the house?' She smiled at this and nodded.

'But if you want the girls you'll have to pay same as everyone else.'

'Madam!' I exclaimed. 'What do you take us for?

'I take you for men!' she replied. 'Now is it a deal?'

'It will be a pleasure Mrs... ?' I replied.

'You may call me Mrs Grey.'

So there we both were only a few hours after setting foot on the Dark
Continent and we'd gained employment. Certainly not the ideal occupation
for gentlemen like ourselves but it certainly gave us time to plan our
next move and Bertie soon took the girls under his wing and revelled in
the job of protector. The few days stretched into weeks and the pair of
us soon settled into a routine. Most of the day we had to ourselves
although we helped tidy and serve behind the bar and it was only really in the evening that we ever had to do much. The clientele were the same nearly every night; sailors, miners down on their luck, fishermen, more sailors, oh and sometimes high ranking military types pretending they weren't. All of whom were after a good time and a glimpse of forbidden fruit. Nothing, as Mrs Grey had correctly pointed out that we couldn't handle. Indeed we soon found that helping out in a saloon come cat-house was to prove extremely illuminating. Unfortunately it is only now that I can divulge such secrets as I'm sure our fellow club members would have 'black-balled' us and the Service would have frowned most heavily upon it. Indeed I'm not at all sure what they would have made of 'Clarissa and her performing Python' and that wasn't the most bizarre
of the acts...

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