This is the first time that the Knolly Estate has allowed the great man's memoirs to be published. What follows is the second chapter of 'The African Adventure'.

Le Chemin de Fear

We decided to leave Paris on an overnight sleeper to Metz and then on to Berlin. This town was now part of the Greater Germany following on from the Franco - Prussian fiasco of thirty or so years back and by stepping right on to their doorstep, the Count would be sure to make his
intention known. I hadn't let on to Bertie that during our tour of the
bars, cafes and whatnot that we were definitely being watched by not
altogether friendly eyes...

As we boarded our train at the Gare de l'Est, I sensed Bertie's
discomfort. At last he plucked up courage to ask a question.
'Knolly, do you really think that its wise for us to travel all this way and knock on the Count's front door?'

'No' I replied, ' but we have a job to do and Rhodes must be stopped
before he lands Her Majesty's Government well and truly in the mire. Anyway, we've done dafter things than this and popped up smelling of roses … like that time we had to rescue Greely and his mob from Cape Sabine. Now come along. Chin up! Let's find our carriage.'

We moved slowly down the length of the train and I could tell that
Bertie was still thinking about my reply. I on the other hand was looking about me at the stunning decor of the carriages - very baroque.
It was because of this art appreciation that I walked slam into the back
of Bertie. He'd stopped and like a gun dog was pointing ahead to the
door at the end of the carriage.

'What's up old chap?!' I exclaimed as I extricated myself from Bertie's
coat collar. 'Seen a ghost?'
'Worse than that. Didn't you see her?' he gibbered (always good at gibbering our Bertie). 'It's her. She's here... on this train...
Oh God noooooooooo!'

'And who would that be?' I replied trying to remain as calm as
possible. He turned to face me eyes wide and almost spinning.
'The Countess' he whispered.

'On this train? No... I don't think so. I didn't feel any sort of a twinge in the trouser department.' A quick glance down toward Bertie's nethers confirmed that he, however, had suffered the kind of reaction that the Countess can induce in a man at fifty paces. He grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me.
'Yes - but you took one of Hobbes' new Gender Benders last night didn't you? Before we went on our evening stroll round the Pigalle. Remember? You said you didn't want your train of thought disturbed by all those strumpets.'

'Ah.' Indeed I had.

*Before we left home, old Halogen had been experimenting with a very
specific suppressant for us in case we ran into the Countess again. The
last time we met her, she employed her wiles, guiles and whatnot to
'distract' us shall we say - after which she kidnapped Bertie for three
days. To this day I don't know precisely what happened and what sort of
control that woman had put in place over him - but I have a pretty good
idea...*

'Come on old chum. Our carriage is just up here. Let's dump our bags and you can pop a pill with some nosh and a drink... yes? That'll see you right in no time and that lady - if it was the Countess - won't be able to trouble us.'

The idea of food and a drink seemed to bring Bertie back to the real
world and so off we set. The train was fair rattling along through the
French countryside and the restaurant car seemed to be bustling along at
a similar pace. I chose a table for four and as we sat down Bertie gave me a very hard stare.
'I get the feeling that there's something going on, something you
haven't told me. It was her I saw, wasn't it? You know it and so do I.'

'Listen up Bertie. Of the Countess I don't know - but yes - it's
possible that she's on this train. All I know is that whilst in Paris we
were not alone.'

Bertie was now hanging on my every word and damn painful it was too. I gently released his hand from my mouth and continued.

'I didn't have the heart to upset you in Paris, not when you seemed to
be having such a good time, but I believe the Baron's men were dogging
our every move.'
'My God, Knolly! That would explain it. I thought that Lynette's bed
was rather cramped!'

'Lynette?' I smiled and went crimson as I looked away. 'No, no. That
was, ummmm... me. Ah! Waiter! Let's order, Bertie!'
'Damn, damn, damn...' muttered Bertie.

We started on our soup and I was just about to ask Bertie to pass the
salt when I saw his face fall. From behind me came a sweet, silky female
voice.
'Ah, the condemned men ate a hearty meal. May I join you, gentlemen?'

It was the Countess in all her splendour and it was worrying that even
under the protection of the Gender-Bender, I still found her incredibly
attractive. I stood slowly and gave a small curtsy (blast those pills!).

'Countess. Indeed, it is a pleasure of sorts. Please join us.'
'Kn, gnk...' was all that Bertie - the poor blighter - could muster as his emotions seemed to oscillate between sheer horror and potential ecstasy.
'Why, Mr Harrison-Harrison', she purred. 'Of course I shall sit beside you and my associate Monsieur Jape will sit next to Knolly.'

At this I turned and saw a brick wall in the shape of a man loom over
me. He thrust out his huge hand which and inside I saw his card. Gingerly I took it, not wanting to lose any digits in the process and
proceeded to read it out aloud.

'Monsieur Huge Ape. Exterminateur'

I looked him up and down. It took a long time.

'And very efficient too, I have no doubt.'

The man seemed to grow even bigger before my eyes.
'Stupid English pig. It is pronounced 'Ooooh Zhaaap'. It 'as an accent... like mine' he spat.

'Why so there is my good fella! Please accept my apologies but I think
you need to see your printer. Bertie what *is* the problem?'

Opposite me Bertie was gibbering once again. I glanced at the Countess
who was smiling. She looked pleased with herself - much like one of
Auntie's cats when it has a mouse cornered. Lord knows what she was
doing with her hands beneath the table, but my friend was rapidly losing
it and his breathing was trying to overtake the train. The Countess rattled off something in German to Jape - far too fast for me to make full sense of it - but it stopped him from hitting out.
'So the Great Knolly, we meet again and so soon too', she said without showing her hands. 'But Mr Harrison-Harrison here doesn't seem overjoyed to see me, and how that wounds me.'

She sulked a little.Bertie visibly winced and I could see his eyes crying out for help. I had to do something.

'Au contraire Countess', I replied. 'Mr Harrison-Harrison is always
pleased to see an old friend, especially a lady such as yourself. It's
just that he's had a bit of a trying time lately - haven't you Bertie?'

Bertie wiggled in his chair to attract my attention and blinked in Morse
code:
WHAT ARE YOU GIBBERING ABOUT MAN? STOP GET HER OFF ME STOP OHHHHHH
STOP

I blinked back:
KNOW WHAT I'M DOING STOP LEAVE TO ME STOP KEEP UPPER LIP STIFF STOP

He quickly replied:
NOT MY UPPER LIP THAT'S STIFF STOP HA HA HA STOP

What a splendid cove! Even in his highly dangerous predicament, he
could still jest. I coughed politely.

'Countess. Bertie here discovered that he suffers a rare allergic
reaction to the smell of burning coal which, in conjunction with rapid
motion and the company of a beautiful woman - such as your good self -
causes him to become tired and emotional. Why don't we leave him here
with Monsieur Jape.'
'It's Zhaaaap' he spat once again.

'Whatever' I continued '... and the two of us can take a stroll down to
the Observation car to discuss business.'

The Countess thought about this for a few seconds and, with a wicked
gleam in her green eyes, she licked her lips and turned to Bertie and
whispered 'Later, then my liebling', her tongue flicking in and out of his ear.

At this point Bertie collapsed face first in to his soup. He blew
bubbles to the tune of 'Molly Malone' through the thin broth.

'See Countess, just as I said, tired and emotional. Now come - please
take my arm.'

She nodded to Jape who moved to prevent Bertie from drowning.

'Please put him to bed, our carriage is...'
'We know which is yours Englishman', sneered Jape.

'Of course you do', I replied. 'Now, Countess. Shall we?'
'One thing Knolly, there is no observation car on this train so I
suggest' she paused and had that cat-with-the-mouse look again '... my private carriage.'
'!'

I stopped in my tracks. Bertie stopped his soupy-singing. Even in his
state, he realised that this development spelt danger. It may have been
coincidence, but at that point I swear I felt the Gender Benders
starting to wear off. Trouble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we moved down the train towards the rear and her private carriage, I became aware of faces that I had seen in Paris.

'Friends of yours ?' I asked and nodded from side to side pointing out
that I had spotted her companions.
'Of course!' she replied. 'You know how it is on these shopping trips, especially Paris. Never enough hands to carry ones purchases and I just hate travelling alone.'

It should be pointed out that none of her 'companions' had been touched
with the ugly stick and all had been hand picked, or something like
that. Still, there was something about them that I couldn't quite put my
finger on at that point. Small wonder, then, that the walking outhouse
that was Monsieur Jape was so touchy.

Her carriage was not to my taste and out of context with the rest of the train - far too much leather and lace for my taste. There were also some strange-looking pieces of 'equipment' lying around. I sighed and continued

'I must admit Countess that I expected you or your husband to make contact much sooner than now, after all we've been in France for over a week.'

She lowered herself elegantly onto a large black leather sofa and
stretched out.
'All true Knolly' she replied, 'but we needed time to ascertain why you and that nice Mr Harrison-Harrison were strolling around Paris in such an obvious attempt for us to snatch you both. As it is, the Count is away on Colonial matters at present - and so that means I'm in charge.'

She smiled that smile again. Not only did she have me where she wanted
me, but my Plan was starting to look well and truly holed beneath the
waterline. Double trouble. I pondered for a moment.

'Well that is a great shame as it was your husband I was hoping to use
... I mean share information with... in order to get a message through to the Kaiser. The Count has his ear, I understand?' The Countess raised her eyebrows and grinned in a way, which, if at all possible, made me feel even more uncomfortable.
'Oh yes. He has the ear, but I have access to much, much more.' She stared to move closer to me and I felt myself going scarlet from my
neck upwards. The Countess stopped and put a lace-gloved hand to her
open mouth in mock horror.
'My dear Knolly, I do believe that I have shocked you!', she laughed. 'I am a woman of the world, Sir, with many talents at my disposal.' She continued to move forwards and placed her hand on my knee. Her fingers began a slow, deliberate walk northwards. 'I'm sure your friend Bertie has told you much about me?'

I had to stall her. I was in no position to use force to get away. Firstly, she is a lady and no Englishman worth his salt would thump a
lady - even if she is a witch and a blackguard. Secondly, I knew I'd get
completely roistered by her henchmen. Trying the non-aggressive tack, I
gently placed my hand upon hers and held it tenderly.
'Madam. We are English Gentlemen and do not lower ourselves to talk of such matters. It is partly an ethic based on Decency At All Times but
mainly, as a race, we are mortally afraid of embarrassing ourselves in
front of others.' I pretended to be upset. She seemed to pity me and nodded seriously with a faraway look in her eyes.
'It must be awful for you … All of you being like that...', she
murmured. Good. That bit seemed to work. I continued.

'If the Count is away then I shall have to proposition you.'The Countess laughed. '... I mean... put a proposition to you as you seem so well in with His Majesty.'
'My my, Knolly! Surely you find me attractive... all men do,
eventually. And you know what they say - all work and no play makes
Fritz ein kleinoderkeinspassmacher. I am sure that I could cure you and
Mr Harrison-Harrison of your hereditary ailment - all you have to do is
say the word and we can have the carriage uncoupled.' She paused for a second. 'Ah! I feel the train stopping. We must almost be at the border.'

The border! Good! This meant that there would be delays to accommodate
the usual mullarkey of passport-checking and strip-searches. This would
be our chance to scarper. While her attention was distracted, I stood up all too quickly and knocked over a chair and a lamp hollering 'My goodness!' as the furniture tumbled noisily about. The Countess was staring at me in stunned silence. However, her alert henchmen rushed in, their hands obviously moving for concealed weapons. The Countess quickly raised a hand to stop them.
'I will listen to you later', she purred. 'Soon we will be on German soil and then I shall decide what to do with both you and that
darrrrrling Mr Harrison-Harrison. But first I must telegraph someone. I
am sure that you will wish to use the time constructively and get
compare notes with your friend.'

She winked and ushered me out of the door. I was duly escorted back to
our own carriage; by now the train had stopped and German border guards
were on the train checking papers. They looked at me, saw my escort and
that was it. Jape was outside our door, he opened it and shoved me
inside.

'Knolly!' exclaimed Bertie as I fell on top of him. 'Are you OK?'

'The pills held out. Only just. More to the point old chap, how are you
feeling now? Tell me, what has that woman got over you? What power
does she wield?' Bertie groaned.
'You wouldn't understand Knolly, you really wouldn't...'

'All right old chap no need to go into a blue funk over it. We'll see it
through together. Now what's been happening since I left you?'
'Oh nothing, really. The ape wouldn't let me out and I'm starving.
Eating soup nasally does not aid the digestion. Any idea what's going
on?' I opened the door and told Jape in fluent French to get us some
sandwiches and a bottle of wine, carefully explaining that the Countess
would be none-too-pleased if her new playthings died of starvation. He muttered to himself motioned to one of the others to stand guard over
us whilst he went of in search of food. I then proceeded to tell Bertie
about my little chat with the Countess and how we were now over the
border with my earlier plan in tatters.
'Well', said Bertie philosophically. 'We have been in worse scrapes. You said it yourself.'


'Hmm, but usually we can call on Biggfat and the Service, this time
we're on our own.'

The door opened and in walked Jape with a platter of mixed sandwiches
and an ice bucket. This shook me out of my deep thoughts.
'Are you going to tell the Countess about Rhodes?' Bertie asked as he fiddled with a piece of celeriac.

'We may have to', I mumbled around a piece of smoked salmon. 'I believe
that the Germans themselves are worried by our Mr Rhodes already, which
would explain why the Count is out of the country.'
'So that could mean this whole trip has been wasted and we're held
captive by the Countess for naught!', said Bertie getting louder and
louder.

'Calm down will you? I have an idea forming. Let's finish this spread
and then tell Huge Ape we're ready to see the lady.'

With the sarnies all gone, and wiping my hand on a napkin, I opened the door to summon Jape - but instead found myself face to face with the
Countess. She had changed clothes from our earlier encounter and now
stood before me in some from of stylised Hussar uniform complete with
breeches and boots.

'Oh good !' I exclaimed rather squeakily for my age, not being at all
prepared for the vision before me. 'We were just about to come and find
you.'
'There has been a change of plan. We are getting of the train very
shortly' she said. From her tone and posture I could tell she was extremely angry about something, but before I could get a word in, Bertie piped up.
'Hang on - I don't recognise this place. We're not at Metz yet.'
The Countess shot a glance over my shoulder and spoke softly.
'You of all people should know better than to question me!' Bertie looked at his feet and mumbled
'I'll get the bags then.' The train began to grind to a halt and we were pushed and shoved to the nearest exit. Bertie mumbled
'What's her game now? I've never seen her in that costume before.'

'What??!!'
'Oh nothing... nothing.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The train door was opened and billowing clouds of steam rushed in. I
hadn't realised we were so close to the engine. It was now dark outside
and no sign of any station or town. As the steam started to clear I
could make out lights ahead... torches... held by soldiers... not
just any soldiers, though... Uhlans! What would Germany's crack Lancer
regiments be doing here? By the looks of things, they appeared to be
surrounding another train.

The Countess leaped down and strode off towards the train opposite and disappeared in the steam.

'Bertie' I whispered 'what can you see?'
'Well apart from more troops than at the Queen's last birthday bash.
It's a very short train... an odd engine... looks armoured and only
seems to have two carriages. Look sharp! She's coming back.'

The Countess returned, but was not alone. She was accompanied by an
Uhlan officer; two lines of troops formed up either side of the carriage
door like some sort of honour guard. Bertie and I were helped down by
the officer and he motioned to another trooper took our bags.

'If you two gentlemen would follow me please' he said in fractured
English and off he marched.

We followed with the honour guard keeping either side of us. I looked
about and sought out the Countess amongst all the other uniforms.

'My dear Countess' I called out 'you really shouldn't have you know...'
She was not amused.
'Fool! This is not of my doing. But we will meet again. Another time Knolly... another time.' and she stormed off back to the train with her pretty-boy henchmen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bertie was visibly relieved and let out a long drawn out whistle.

'I thought she would have at least given you a goodbye kiss Bertie!' I
said with a grin spreading over my face - which is probably why I never
saw the fist that socked me in the eye. 'Fine. Well, now you've got that
out of your system I suggest we look smart as we are about to enter the
presence of Royalty.'
'Oh great', sighed Bertie. 'Why do the words frying pan and fire suddenly spring to mind?'

'Pish and tosh, Bertie! You always look for the worst in a situation.
And no... please don't hit me again. Think of the kudos.'
'The Ku-dos? But we're miles from South America. I think I must have
hit you too hard.'

'Bertie think of it. The tale we can tell the chaps back at the Club...
"Knolly and the Kaiser".'
'Sure, nice title', said Bertie, 'but how did he know we were on that train? Who do you think the Countess Loose Knickerbockers cabled, eh?' I was shaken out of my daydreaming by this and the fact that we had reached our destination. The guard stopped and formed up either side of the door, which the officer opened. An aide looked out.

'Ah gentlemen, come in... come in . Here let me take your bags. His
Majesty will not be too long - he is just discussing the mechanics of
steam engines with the driver and fireman.'

We stepped up into what was obviously part of the Royal Train - very
regal, very plush, but not too over the top (unlike the last private
carriage I'd been in). It was more like a very ornate office.

'Drinks gentlemen?' came a voice from behind.
'Oh rather' piped up Bertie, a bit too quickly for my liking.

The aide offered us two long stemmed glasses. 'I believe that these are
your usuals', he said.

'Your information does you credit sir' I remarked. The aide just smiled
and went about his work whistling a merry tune. 'So much for Kaiser Bill's batman' I thought as Bertie and I continued to take in our surroundings. A door at the engine end of the carriage opened and in walked the Kaiser dressed in what can only be described as a boiler suit, complete with gold embroidered leather cap. Not the normal dress for Royalty even if they are German. Close behind him were two other men, one in full Naval dress uniform, the other in a business
suit whom both of us immediately recognised.

'The Count Von Holstein', whispered Bertie nudging me in the ribs, 'Kronenburg's rival. You don't think he's out of favour at the
moment, do you?'

'Possibly Bertie, which would explain the way the Countess was acting.
Shush now and smile.'

'Ah at last the Great Knolly,' the Kaiser's voice boomed ahead of him
'and his good friend Mr Harrison-Harrison... both in the same room
as me. Splendid!'

We bowed and shook his proffered hand. As usual, he carried a pair of
snow-white kid leather gloves in his stunted left arm to make it look
the right length.

'Allow me to introduce Admiral Von Turpitz and Count Von Holstein' the
Kaiser continued. The two men nodded and clicked their heels together, very Germanic, and we did likewise (when in Rome dontchaknow). Unfortunately, Bertie was a tad over zealous, missed his own heel
completely and caught me a whack on the shin. The Kaiser continued as I
picked myself up from the carpet.

'I see your glass is empty Knolly. Allow me. Now let us discuss why I
had my lovely lancers intercept your train, and why the Countess Von
Kronenburg is now in a foul mood.' Here he grinned rather like a shark
I'd once caught and went on. 'I expect she told you much about us - such
a tell-tale! I may have to spank her.' Both of the Counts laughed on
cue.

So much for my planning, I thought. I looked at Bertie who smiled and
waved an empty glass towards the aide. I decided to bat first.

'Your Highness, I was hoping to get a message through to you via the
Count von Kronenbourg, but I understand from the charming lady' - at
which point Bertie's mouthful of drink exploded through his nose - 'that
he is currently otherwise engaged.'


'Indeed friend Knolly,' smiled the Kaiser 'he is currently entering
discussions on my behalf with President Kruger in the Transvaal. A
shame, no? I'm sure you were anxious to meet once again.' This was too
much for Holstein.


'I can't stand this!', he exploded. 'Enough of the pleasantries. Let us
discuss the renegade Rhodes.'


Well that's good, I thought, at least they view Rhodes as his own man
and not part of Her Majesty's Government.

'Holstein, please!' exclaimed the Kaiser. 'All in good time. Turpitz,
look both Knolly and Mr Harrison-Harrison's glasses are empty again.
Let us drink and be merry and Knolly you were saying before so rude an
interruption?'

The drinks were slipping down rather well and we were almost as relaxed as we had been in Paris a couple of nights ago after the visit to Le Den d'Opium. I proceeded to recount the tale that Biggfat had told us, about Rhodes' plan to dominate Africa with his railways and that once that continent was firmly in his grasp how he intended to expand his own empire. I also stressed that dangers felt my Government and how we wished to slow down Mr Rhodes.

The Kaiser beamed, clapped his hands 'Hahahaha... see, gentlemen? Does this not confirm what I thought all along? First Kronenburg wires
me with proof and now the Great Knolly himself corroborates it. How I am
glad that the Countess had the foresight to telegraph me from the border
and that I was able to get to you before you journeyed any further.'

'This is a bit of rum do, Knolly!' cried Bertie. 'They already suspected! This has been a right waste of our time - well … apart from Paris that is. Oh and the drink. And come to think of it, The Countess did look rather good in that uniform...'

We sat looking at the Kaiser, Holstein and Turpitz. The Kaiser's face
split into a grin and he spoke.

'No, no... not a waste of time, good sirs. This is a meeting of great
minds.'

I looked about for the other one. The Kaiser motioned us to look to the
rear of the carriage.

'Knolly. What do you think we should do to stop Rhodes once and for
all?'

The aide had opened up the rear door of the carriage to reveal what lay beyond in the second one. For all intents and purposes it looked like a military campaign headquarters. As we all rose and walked in, I took in my new surroundings. On one side was a huge map of the world and on the other walls (there were no windows) were maps of Europe and Africa. All was hustle and bustle with staff rushing about, taking notes and waiting by telegraph apparatus. The Kaiser came up behind Bertie and myself and clapped his arms about our shoulders and said heartily, 'Now we can plan properly with German precision and English know how.'

We sat down at a round table and I blinked to Bertie in Morse to use
that wonderful memory of his and take notes of all the positions marked
on the maps before us. You never knew when something like that might
come in useful. Trying not to look too astounded by the set up of the carriage I spoke.

'Well your Highness, I think that the plan should be a two-stage event.
Firstly as I already pointed out, Rhodes will not make his move until he
is given the excuse to do so. I believe that you could use your
influence with President Kruger to arrange for this to happen. I'm sure
that he could give the Uitlanders more than enough cause to come to the
boil. You could supply Kruger with arms - indirectly of course - to quell any revolt and then Rhodes will come barrelling in to the rescue.'


The three of them seemed to consider this and then Holstein spoke up.


'Well good so far, but surely this would amount in Kruger being a
victim?'

'Ah, well, the cunning part is that at the crucial moment, just before
Rhodes' men cross into Transvaal, Kruger rounds up all the usual
suspects so that the revolt never happens and then ambushes the others
once they are well and truly over the border.'

'Surely they will be warned by someone alerting Rhodes?' questioned
Turpitz.

'Well, that's the second stage' I continued, 'you see we need to ensure
that someone who knows this plan is with Rhodes at the time the plot
begins to hatch and therefore prevent any such messages reaching his men
before they cross.'

The Kaiser's eyes glowed with amusement as the others grinned.

'And that someone would be you, yes?' he enquired.

'Oh, and Bertie too' I replied.
'What?!? You mean I get to Africa after all, and I've not got me gun!'

I went on. 'There is one thing your Highness, we don't want to involve
any Nation directly and we have no direct method to get to South
Africa.'

'Gentlemen, the Great Knolly asks a favour of me. How can I refuse?'

Holstein muttered something under his breath and the Kaiser turned to
Turpitz.

'Surely we can help. We must have a ship ready to sail to Walvis Bay?'

'Sire', the Admiral replied. 'I anticipated your request but unfortunately there is no Imperial Navel vessel available. However, we
do have a supply ship due to leave Hamburg any day now.'

'Splendid ! There, Knolly what do you think of that? What's more I
shall take you to Hamburg in my little train... Ha ha... toot,
toot... all aboard. Wire ahead to the port authorities Holstein and
clear the way. Oh and fetch the Countess before we set off, I want a
word with her.' The Kaiser hurtled off enthusiastically towards the engine.
'Knolly , do you think that really is the Kaiser, or some actor Johnny?' asked a slightly bemused Bertie.

'For sure Bertie, such lunacy runs in the family. Just look at his
cousin - the Prince of Wales.'

Of what the Kaiser said to the Countess I do not know but her train
didn't hang around. Now we were off to Hamburg with the Kaiser at the
footplate and rank upon rank of lancers riding alongside. Needless to
say, it didn't take long. Not much gets in the way of German royalty. Bertie slept for most of the journey (I wonder why?) whereas I talked of
Europe's future with Turpitz and Holstein. Nice fellows once you got to
know them. Turpitz even knew Aunt Lettice. Amazing!

To Be Continued...

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