'Just what is it with that new neighbour of ours? He's at it again!' I say looking through the crack in the curtains. 'If he's not washing his car, he's engaging in a conversation with his partner and liking it or playing with his kid's! Something wrong there then. Do you know he doesn't even have a dog (GOD BLESS'UM) and, for another thing...'

I finish the sentence there as my missus tells me to shut up and come back to bed as, she reminds me, it's Sunday morning and it's far too early to do anything yet.
'Anything?' I enquire.
'Yes!' comes the response. She turns over in bed and sips the cup of tea which was the reason I got up in the first place.

I wake up an hour or so later. The missus is asleep on her side next to me. I notice just how hairy women can be. There is a fine coating of downy hair on her neck. I spend the next few minutes looking and wondering then, discarding the thought, I go back to sleep. So, when I wake again, I'm in the bed on my own. I can hear the dinner being prepared in the kitchen downstairs, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) playing in the back garden and 'next door' still at it only a bit louder cus it's later in the day. Then it stops. Peace and quiet! I'm still drowsing and ,rolling over in bed, I notice a cup of tea which wasn't there before. 'Ahh, she brought me up a cuppa, good girl' I think. I pick it up, take a mouthful and instantly spit it back into the cup. 'Aagh, cold tea' the voice in my head says. Time to get up. I fling back the duvet and jump out of bed. I spend the next few minutes looking for the dressing gown, getting slightly goose pimpled as the cold gets to me.
'Where's my dressing gown?' I shout out to my missus.
'Down here in the washing machine, being washed. You spilt cereal on it again this morning and I want to get it off before it turns to concrete.' she shouts back.
'Ahh, ok.' I say, finding a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. I go out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen where it's really cold and I run over to the back door and close it.
'Leave it open, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are still out.' she orders.

I reopen the door and there it is still cleaning the car. 'That's three hours now he's been cleaning his car.' I say as I reach for some toast.
'Really? Is it? I have a lot more interesting things to be getting on with.' is the sarcastic remark spat back at me.

I look at my missus and smile. 'You're right.' I say and leave to fetch the dirty cup from the bedroom.

The bath water was nice and tepid as my missus had put the washing machine on and had a bath herself this morning. I was too busy watching a spider in the bathroom to take much notice of the new voices in the kitchen, but I heard the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) barking and then the knock on the bathroom door.
'You decent?' enquires my missus. After living with this person for around 11 years when she's probably seen me more times in the buff than I care to remember or mention, to ask a stupid question like that still makes me wonder about the sanity of the girl.
'No and never have been!' I reply.

She opens the door. I grab the washing flannel and place it over my head.
'What are you doing?' she says.
'Hiding, I'm embarrassed.' I say. She grabs the flannel off my head and throws it on the floor.
'Behave, idiot!' she says.
'I'll be out in a mo.' I say. 'What's up?'.
'Well Dave is downstairs with... and it goes quiet and she points to the cistern.
'What's Dave doing with a cistern?' I say not thinking to go beyond the cistern, through the wall and end up at the next door.
'Next door!' she mouths.
'Ho, right!' I say and 'I'll be down.'

She turns and leaves for the kitchen leaving the bathroom door open. 'Are you decent!' I thought. 'Christ let's let everyone in for a look!' I get out of the bath and get dressed!

'Hi, Dave me mate, and... hello. As we haven't met before you must be?' I use my best intro tone.
'David.' he says.
'Dave.' I say.
'No, David.' he says.
'Ok, David, what can I help you with?' I say still smiling.
'It's his car, it won't start.' says Dave.
'Ahh.' I say.
'And you being a mechanic I thought you could help as he's new to the village an all.' says Dave.
'Right!' I say. 'I'm going to have a cuppa and then we will have a look at the motor.'

So after about five minutes we wander over to 'David's' house and then to look at his motor which is a nice clean one, not like mine. The bonnet is put up and we peer in. The engine bay is pristine. It's been cleaned with a toothbrush and there's not a spot of dirt in there.
'Ok, make sure it's out of gear and spark it up.' I say and it is turned over!

So now I'm involved in something almost as old as time itself; the men folk bonding together on a 'Sabbath' - a proper thing to do on a day of rest.
'So it's not firing.' says Dave.
'I know.' I say.
'What's wrong with it?' says Dave.
'I'm not sure!' I say.
'... and you call yourself a mechanic?' says David. I just look at the berk.
'Who was it who came to my house and asked for my help, then?' I say with some venom.
'Take no notice of him.' says Dave.
'I'm not.' I say. I continue to look for the problem but no joy, so I take off some caps and electrical plugs and, low and behold, water - and not just a bit, either. Some of the electrical plugs are soaked with water running out of them. I'm beginning to find the problem is, as we say in the trade, 'water ingress' which is caused by people carelessly using a jet washer. So I start to use some stuff to disperse the water and I carry on looking for the fault. Then I come to the ECU and open the cover and about .5 of a litre of water falls out and there's a smell of burnt electrics. I look at the plug and wiring then the ECU itself. I notice that it has burst its casing on the back and I can see inside. This is not good! This is going to cost a lot of money. The motor is at least 2 years old and an import, too, so 1, it's out of warranty and 2, it's going to be difficult to get the part. You may think it's the same model of car as in this country but, on the whole, it is far from it. So I begin to get ready to break the 'good' news to the person called David.

'It's this I reckon, David.' I say. He looks at it, noting that fact that there is water running out of it and the fact I say 'water ingress' again to rub the point in.
'But it's a 4x4 and it was designed to go up mountains and ford streams.' he says.
'But not to have a jet of water at 150lbs blow up its skirts.' I say back with a smile on my face. 'Look, it could be a lot worse.'
'How?' comes the reply.
'You could have blown the gearbox one as well.' I say.
'How am I going to get to work in the morning?' he says.
'Pinch the missus' motor.' says Dave and I snigger. But this isn't really funny to David who is on a mission at this point and is quite quickly becoming a nasty piece of work over this! It is soon apparent that it is my fault that his motor is broken and that I should pay for the damage that I caused by allowing the component to be contaminated with water from elsewhere in the engine bay - which is nice of him I must say! So I mention the fact that his continual washing of the said vehicle has caused the problem. He is incensed by this point and he starts up again shouting, swearing and being a swine. Even when his missus comes out he carries on and she comes in for a gob full too. Dave and I are sniggering at this carry on. Dave's missus and my missus stand there watching. Then they start on us two for not standing up for ourselves which only starts Dave and I off sniggering again. This is not a good call on our part as we have to go back home for lunch with the ones we love.
'Right, I'm off. You have lunch at our place.' says Dave.
'I think not Dave, nice offer though.' I say. Dave turns and walks off to greet his missus who greets him with a look that searches deep into his soul. I am dreading turning around and looking at my missus as I know I am in for an earful - especially after my little bedroom chat this morning and the 'not to get involved' talk, too!

Lunch is pleasant enough, civil even, but I am still thinking about the David incident when we go for a walk with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) as he is still trying to get the motor to run. We are given a hard look from under the bonnet as we walk passed. Then a bit of a 'pop' is heard and a little genie can be seen coming out of the front of the bonnet. Then comes some light grey smoke, then a bit darker smoke, then David sort of steps back, then a gentle 'oomph' and the smoke gets a bit thicker with David coughing and spluttering in the smoke. Then a small lick of flame comes out from under the bonnet accompanied by some really thick smoke.
'We better phone for the fire brigade.' says my missus.
'Really?' I say. 'It's well alight now, why bother? It will be burned out by the time they get here.'
'Well, you could be right.' she says 'Shall we end up at the pub?'
'Sound's good to me.' I say. The rain starts and it is back to normal in Britain again. Nice!

The Rev Jacks Diary Archive

The Rev Jack Russell

03.02.05 Front Page

Back Issue Page