Our Man in Milliways - The Witchery, Edinburgh

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Man looking a bit unwell after eating noodles

The Witchery, Castlehill, Edinburgh

Located in Edinburgh right by the gates of Edinburgh Castle, the restaurant is housed in a historic building on the Royal Mile, built for an Edinburgh merchant in 1595. There are two restaurants; the Witchery dining room and the Secret Garden and also a hotel on the floors above and in an adjacent building. The restaurant has held legendary status in Edinburgh: Ewan MacGregor, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Jack Nicholson and Clarissa Dickson Wright have all eaten there, with Andrew Lloyd Webber calling it the prettiest restaurant ever!

Atmosphere

The Witchery has a very theatrical atmosphere, it has a medieval feel and is located in the main part of the building. Décor includes tall candlesticks, red leather seating, panelled walls hung with tapestries, mirrors and carvings. Entrance to the Secret Garden is down a tight passage past at the bottom of a large stone staircase and is a plant-filled courtyard that gives the illusion of being outside. The atmosphere in both restaurants is spectacular-gothic, luxuriant and rich and very romantic. On the downside both restaurants were very busy when we visited and the tables were set very close together... 4/5

Service

They e-mailed to confirm the reservation and to let me know that a fine would be levied if we failed to arrive or were late for the booking and a reminder of when we would be expected to leave by. They also phoned to tell me this same customer centric message and left a message on the answer phone such spoiling the birthday surprise for my other half. Nice. On the day we were kept waiting for a table, kept waiting for the food and, most annoying of all, kept waiting to pay for the food (20 mins) as they only have one switch machine. 0/5

Food

It has the name of serving the very finest quality Scottish ingredients with a world-wide reputation for sensation food. We ate off the à la carte menu, available at both lunch and theatre supper menus.

To start with we had the butter bean soup which was bland and nasty. For the main course my partner had the rabbit stew which he pronounced dry and stringy while I had the smoked salmon. It tasted as if it feasted on 50 Capstan Full Strength cigarettes for its short life (it was very small) and then had been taken outside and torched in a basket of old rotten hay. No, I didn’t like it much.

For dessert we shared the Witchery pudding selection: Dark chocolate torte, vanilla mousse, sherry trifle and chocolate gateaux.. Nicely presented - I really wanted to like it but it was not really full of flavour or excitement. By this stage we really just wanted to leave. 1/10

Overall

I booked for my partner's birthday as it was somewhere we had always promised ourselves we would go. Was very disappointing and I was embarrassed his birthday had been such a disaster - would have been happy to pay a lot more for an even slightly better meal. All hype and no substance.

You are paying for the ambience and experience, NOT the food; worst place I have ever eaten, just look in the window. Deeply, deeply disappointing. Don't go. 1/10

Scale: 10 – Billy Connolly, 9/8 – Alex Salmon, 7/6 –
Ricky Fulton, 5 – The boys from Chewing the Fat, 4/3 – Stanley Baxter, 2/ 1 – Chick Murray

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