h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two brothers have a son each and both of them name them Raymond. Naturally when the brothers go into a joint venture in the form of a cattle ranch they name the ranch *
Focus*

Where the sun's rays meet.
Where the son's Rays meet.
Where the sons raise meat!

Q. 'Why do you subject yourself to danger on that fishing trawler?'

A. 'Just for the halibut.'

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

My all time favorite.

There was this court jester who was a favorite of the king. That is except when the jester made fun of the king. The jester was a master jester and the king was often the butt of the jester's masterpiece puns. It came to a point the king could not stand another pun at his expense. After repeated warnings the king gave the punster one last warning. Either the jester stops all puns and jokes about the king or he would have him hung.

The jester did try but, as it was the one thing he did best, he slipped and punned the king at a large gathering of visiting royalty.

The jester was taken away immediately and put in a cell overnight. The next morning the jester was marched out to the scadfold. The rope was put around his neck and tightened.

Then a king's advisor appeared next to the quaking jester. He read aloud that the king was giving the jester one last chance. He must never utter another joke or pun of any kind. So long as he abide by those rules he shall live and would still be allowed the splendors of the castle.

The jester looked so relieved. When asked what his answer would be the Jester proclaimed, "Whew, no noose is good noose."

KERPLUNK!

Abundance - A baker's disco.


Arcade - A lemonade-type dring served on Noah's Ark.

Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.

Contents - Where con men sleep while camping.

Cowhide - Game played by cows.

Eclipse - What a barber does for a living.

Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity,

Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.

Handicap - A hat that is easy to find and wear.

Hardship - a ship protected by tough cover.

Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.

Hence - an enclosure around a hen yard.

Heroes - What a guy in a rowboat does.

Himalaya - A rooster that makes an egg.

Holy Smoke - the church is on fire.

Illegal - A sick bird.

Life Jacket - A special long-lasting coat.

Matchbook - A book about matches. Or a book used by dating services.

Misty - How golfers create divots.

Mohair - What bald-headed ment need.

Network - The process of making nets.

Paradox - Two doctors.

Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.

Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.

Polarise - What penguins see with.

Polite - A light on a pole.

Polygon - A parrot that got away.

Protest - Testing a professional person.

Relief - What trees do in the spring.

Remind - A brain transplant.

Showoff - The show has been cancelled.

Selfish - What the owner of a fish shop does.

Subdued - A dude who works on a submarine.

Weekend - A book with a rubbish ending.

Whether - Unpredictable weather.

Writer - one who corrects a wrong.

"Q. 'Why do you subject yourself to danger on that fishing trawler?'

A. 'Just for the halibut.'"


Not me, I do it on porpoise.