h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Smell: A clean, but sweaty, male body smells delicious.

Taste: Ever since my recent condom research project; the taste of strawberry wine gums... But also herbs; Basil and thyme are very sexy, as is Mediterranean food generally; peeled ripe red peppers especially so.

Touch: Gentle stroking or scratching the inside of the arm or back of the neck, or sliding fingers up and down the back or gently stroking around the shape of the ear. Mmmmmmm.

Sound: The Groove Amarda album, Vertigo... There are a couple of tracks on that that make me melt.

For natural sounds; crickets' chirping and the sound of rain pouring outside are very seductive, and the smell of an oncoming storm is fabulous..

Try eating chocolate or chocolate ice-cream off of your partner's body. It's an old trick, but it is very good fun ...

When are men going to realise that you don't get a girl randy by feeding her oysters or changing the bed first.

My basic requirements (as a female) are

at least 2 hours conversation - about anything, but you know what's going on below your belt ... you just don't mention it. Preferably with someone for the first time, so you're a bit more hesitant about touching each other - that way you take longer to start. A drink with it might help.

Very cave man: Just feeling being protected. I'm more likely to be putty for someone who puts his arms round my shoulders or his hands on my waist than one who shoves his mitts down my bra or knickers as a first move. That just puts me on the offensive and turns me off. This protection act must also be coupled with the respective actions and words (paying for dinner, opening the car door)

warm feet

empty bowels

A man who laughs. Uninhibitedly - or who shows any other signs of uninhibitedness - like doesn't spend ages fiddling in his wallet for the right money, just bungs a handful on the table.

A decisive man

Definitely not a pornographic film. What really leaves me weak at the knees is either Mel Gibson or Bruce Willis rollicking around half naked getting wet or muddy or both and just oozing maleness or better still Bogey and Bacall looking at each other. What that triggers off in the imagination is better than any film - and I can substitute the protagonists to suit.

So forget oysters, asparagus or steak or pharmaceuticals - just go back to animal basics. Until it's time to wash up.

Yep, the protection thing works for me too - not good for a liberated woman! (The feminists would kill us you know!). But it´s the little things too, like offering you his coat becuase you´re cold, even though you already have a coat on, and it means he´ll be walking around just in a t-shirt.

It´s the little sweet considerate things that cause us females to have a more open mind to advances (far more important than aphrodisiacs)

Nothing gets my back leg going more than a couple pints of Banks' and listening to the sound of Noddy Holder singing his socks off with Slade.

After a bit of a dance around the living room, I like to sit down to a big pork and stuffing sandwich with the crackling left in, the pig fat dribbling down my chinny-chin-chin.

And then, the pièce de resistance, I close the curtains, take off my clothes (except my sandals), turn off the lights and put on the soundtrack to The Wicker Man.

This is more than an aphrodisiac - this is an ancient fertility rite.

"Let the baby grow..."

What woman wouldn't fall for the charms of Sam Semple, then?

*DD wanders in carrying the Phone Book on CD-Rom*

Take your pick.

Women are a lot more complex than men. It's no use wading in by wacking on your favourite episode of TJ Hooker and expecting Heather Locklear to weave her feisty magic over your new woman. No you must be more clever than that. Invite her back to your pad where you've already made some minor adjustments to your usually grubby porn haven.

Once in, sit her down and retire to the bathroom to "slip into something more comfortable". This is where you have to be clever. Before you left that evening you had already put in CD of Jean Michelle Jarre in the player in the living room. From the bathroom you now press play (via remote control) whilst simultaneously killing the lights.

Now PUMP UP THAT VOLUME!

With a hand torch shining on your own face your leap from the bathroom and begin to move in time with the music. You're dressed like David Copperfield, and, she now knows that the hissing sound coming from the bathroom earlier was you laquering your hair. Place your index finger over your lips and indicated for her to say nothing "Sshhh", in a sexy manner.

Note: THIS WILL FAIL IF YOUR DAD COMES IN AND TURNS ON THE LIGHTS!

Hoping that doesn't happen - you then perform a pre-rehearsed magic routine involving cards, rabbits, and minor hand-dexterity illusions.
Under no circumstances should you wrap her watch in a hanky and smash it to pieces. This creates confusion and could panick her unduly. Especially when you arse it up and actaully smash her watch to pieces.

Once the magic act is over you end in a stance like John Travolter from Saturday Night Fever, stay still like a statue, no matter what she is saying or doing, then throw on all the lights, pause for breath and applause, and then, and only then can you suggest the TJ Hooker idea.
She'll be putty in your hands.

Works for me *swoon*

*DD catches the swooning Abi*

This forum is becoming too much!!

I just read you homepage Abi. So you got a job here then? Pays well?If there are any more jobs going then I WANT IT. I too am a researcher.

Plus there's plently more tips on swoonin' women where that came from (if you know what I mean.) I could make it worth your while, wink, wink.

*comes round slowly to find herself in DD's arms*

Sorry it was the hair laquer that did it - I think it was the fumes. Or it could have been the David Copperfield thing.

Don't worry it didn't work on me though. Not my type.

Very very amusing!!!

You lot had me chuckling away to myself..

no that is just cos you are barking, mate!

Don't underestimated the David Copperfield routine. The man is made of gold, or at least looks like he is. And it worked on Claudia Schiffer. Another part of the act I forgot to include involves that thing were you rip something up and blow on it, and then open your palm and it's gone.Do this with photographs of your old girlfriends. This achieves 2 things.
1. It impresses her beyond comprehension.
2. It sends a metaphorical message to her that these women now mean nothing to you. (Use the War of the Worlds music for this one.)While doing this it may be useful to cite the words "YOU WANT ME DON'T YOU?" in a kind of monotone mantra.

I gotta hand it to you Mr Goldson...

I like your style!!!

Single are you?

Too true!!

My bark is worse than my bite!!

Infact, come to hink of it I don't bite at all.....just nibble a little....

Are you ever single with a head full of fantasies, a case full of porn, a picture of Vanessa Feltz?

is this before she found the God of Stricting dieting and hard exercise or after?

So thats a YES then!!