The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Nov 18, 2004
Chapter 2 - Part Two
The trout's taxi was at the front door, waiting.
'I'll be back later on. I have to do some more shopping for stuff.'
said the trout, then she left. The rain came down even harder but still she never seems to get wet. Beelzebub and her must be on speaking terms! But my missus is still quiet, sat at the kitchen table sipping her cup of tea and with a look of menace about her.
'Toast?' I say.
'Yeah why not!' she says.
I start to make the toast and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) ask to go out. When I open the back door for them they just stand there watching the rain and then made a quick exit for the garden. As soon as they have finished they are back indoors in front of the fire in the living room. I turn round to ask if she wants another cuppa to go with her toast, but the chair is empty. She has left the kitchen and gone upstairs - she is really upset. I give her some time to herself and I go upstairs about an hour later. I give her a hug and all she can say is
'Just how could she? I'll have to go to the reading of this will, I know this, but I can't for the life of me understand just how she can do this to me again. It was bad enough at the wedding!'
'I know' I say but, to be honest, I don't really.
For a man, it's just slip on a suit, a shirt and a tie and you're away if it's something formal but, for women it's a totally different ball game. Just the daily choice of clothing is bewildering to me, as I've watched my missus over the years dressing in the morning for work, and her saying stuff like, 'just what sort of statement will this make?' and, on many occasions, just saying stuff back like 'You're a fully clothed person, that's the statement your making.'
But not today! Today she needs to be comforted a bit as the old trout has rattled her cage again. I look out of the window to see if it's stopped raining. It hasn't! In fact it's just steaming down.
'Do you fancy one of my special ice creams, a coffee one?' I say.
'Not really! Just lie on the bed with me and give me a cuddle!' she says.
'You're on, tinker.' I say and we are joined by the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM). We sort of drifted off, asleep for about 2 hours or so!
I am awakened rudely by my daughter, Ash, crying in her cot. It is the type of 'FEED ME NOW OR ELSE I'M GOING TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE' crying that only a hungry daughter can do. I turn over to look at my missus, still asleep, and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) crossing and uncrossing their legs. So first things first, let the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) out into the garden (still raining) and then attend to my nipper's hunger. Mine, too, as I've woke up really peckish and could do with some porridge and this is at three in the afternoon too! Also I like the nipper's porridge cus it's really smooth and tasty (with prunes, also! Nice!) So on to the stove goes the porridge and the coffee pot! In walks my missus rubbing her eyes.
'Feeling better eh!?' I say.
'No, but is that porridge I smell being cooked?' she says.
'Nope, it's my porridge being cooked.' I say.
'Well it's mine now!' she says.
I start to dish out the food, dicing the figs and bananas into the porridge, too.
'Why does my mother make these decision's for me, I'm a grown woman?' she asks.
'Well, why do you make the same sort of decision's for me?' I reply.
'It's not the same thing. You need these things done for you as you're a man and we all know what men are like!' she says.
I remain quiet for the next half hour and then
'See what I mean?' She finishes the sentence with a smirk and then 'Stop eating with your mouth full!'.
'Christ just what can I do then, if I'm not able to say anything?' I say.
'Nothing' She opens her arms and gives me a hug that only she can give me - the ones that I always want and need!
'But, really, got any ideas?' she says.
'I'm sorry but really not a clue!' I say. Then she says something really strange and almost wonderful.
'Do you think I could get away with jeans and trainers at this will reading? 'Cus I'm just going to go in something casual!' she says.
'Well go in something that you feel comfortable in. As a firm casual-clothes person the only advice I can give is wear something that makes you feel good! Oh yeah, before I forget, if it's a formal do, black flip flops and dark sunshades, really dark sunshades.' I say. Now for the really strange bit.
'Will you take me shopping? Well, for the stuff I need, as to be able to go for this will reading?' she says.
Now, on hearing this my jaw drops to the floor and I turn around and look at this woman who for years and years has been trying to get me out of t-shirts, jeans and flip flops!
'So let me get this straight. You want to go to this reading of this will in my casual form of dress? Surf T-shirt and baggy jeans?'
I say all this pointing a spoon at her and looking sort of manic. Also I'm worried, too, 'cus my clothes won't be mine anymore they will become the 'royal mine'.
'So do you want to help me or not?' she says.
(HELP) 'Of course, tinker, but I'm just making sure that it's the sort of thing that you want as once tried there's no going back to the ordinary world of dress.' I say.
'Right we're going shopping for stuff after this cuppa.' she insists.
We arrive at my favorite clothes shop; purveyors of the finest flip flops and combats in the world. The missus is sort of not looking at stuff but looking, if you know what I mean.
'So, then, what do you fancy?' I say.
'I quite like the blue and yellow ones over there.' she says.
'Nice choice. Why don't you try them on and I'll try and sort you out some flip flops too.' I say. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible as she's a newbie to this and I want her to have fun finding out that there's more to comfy clothes than she thinks. She comes out of the changing thingy and I can see straight away she's not comfy with the look.
'They're too big.' she pronounces.
'Well they're not really as they need a wash, but we can find something else a bit smaller if you want!' I inform her.
So we spend the next two hours in several places I use to buy clothes and we get her a couple of things that she likes and she says she can wear. But now comes the most important thing of all, 'SHADES', so we enter Dan's Shades Emporium and we're met by the most camp/gay bloke you're ever likely to met in this life or any other life you're likely to live.
'OoooOOOOoooooo, I can see the prob straight away I really can. I said it to Phil out the back; this woman has a real prob and Hi, Jack, I'll be with you in a mo.' says Andy who has never seen my missus till now.
'The darker the better.' I call to Andy as he minces past.
'Who's in charge, ME?' he calls back and I wander off knowing my missus is in safe hands to look at some nice ones! I can hear in the background a lot of stuff happening but, as with Andy, it's all a bit 'stressed' and 'luvvey' and 'well NEXT' complete with a shrug of the shoulders. This happens around fifty time till it goes a bit quiet. That's when you know something is happening! It starts to go quiet!
We leave for home with my missus still wearing the 'shades' which look just really good and right on her. I think she's really pleased and a good sign is that she's carrying all her stuff, too.
'I still think the trousers are a too big.' she says.
'Can never be too big.' I say as we arrive back at the car.
'I can't wait to try these on back home.' she says.
'Well remember they're supposed to be comfy not like real clothes.' I say still suspecting to be taking them back in the morning for a refund!
The final chapter will be next week.
Rev Jack
