h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i wish there was one!
i'll be 40 years old in 19 days and for as long as i can remember
i have had a problem with anxiety panic attacks and the inability to just relax.
i dont know why i have those problems?
ok my childhood was a bit traumatic because i grew up in a family that fought argued and lashed out at each other almost on a daily basis.
i can remember my dad coming home drunk and lashing out at my mum.
many times myself and my 2 sisters and my mum would be cowering behind the sofa whilst my dad lashed out in a drunken temper.
i recieved many a vicious beating from my parents but not without reason.
like alot of kids growing up in the early 70s i bunked school and got up to mischief with the kids i hung around with.
i was always being told by my mum to not hang around with white kids because they would get me into trouble and tell lies on me and beat up etc etc!
i was also taunted and ridiculed for so called acting "black"when i was at home with my family and so called acting like i was "white" when i was outside playing with the local kids.
me being a very sensitive child, i took that to heart and felt confused and frustrated but i never bowed to the pressure from my mum to so call "stick to my own"
i sometimes wonder if my upbringing contributed towards my self esteem which has always been low?
i was always shy and introverted as a child and i still am even at 39 years old.
inside i feel like a little boy still afraid to face the world..i feel overwhelmed in crowded situations and rarely go out socially apart from when i go to stay with my girlfriend and even then i dose myself up with my medication so that my nerves dont overwhelm me.
i'm a literal nervous wreck.
even here at home i still find it very hard to relax.
i'm constantly on edge.
its like my body is overflowing with adrenalin and cortisol which is why i cannot literally relax.
its a wonder i havent had a nervous breakdown yet.
could my childhood have had such a negative effect on me causing me to become constantly nervous?
i pray regulary in the hope that my prayers will be answered and one day i will snap out of this hell
but sadly i feel my prayers are in vain..i dont doubt they arent heard but they certainly aint being answered.
is it wrong for me to ask for relief?
or should i just "bear my cross" and press on regardless?
i knew something wasnt right about life when i watched my parents fighting and arguing with each other and lashing out at myself and my sisters.
i'll never forget that experience.
not that i hang onto to negative past experiences, i mean in the sense that it main a huge impression on me and made me question whether life makes us happy or is it down to how we live our lives?
in my parents case i think life made them feel unhappy and frustrated.
marriaege brought stress and problems.
starting a family brought more problems so you can imagine that after a while they would start to throw their hands in the air and wonder why they even bothered.
ok they are still together years later but old age has brought health problems which has meant regular stays in hospital etc.
i wonder if when their time is up on planet earth will they look back and think was it all worth it?
all the things they thought/hoped would bring them happiness/satisfaction instead brought them frustration and much misery and stress.
for those whom starting a family and getting wed etc has brought you endless joy
im happy for you and i would love to know how you managed to avoid the problems that plague many a couple and families today?
some say that looking to the originator of life and its so called blessings is the answer.
has applying the practical advice found in the bible helped you resolve problems in your families?
i must say i admire people who are severely disabled or blind etc but still manage to overcome the natural tendency to lose faith and become depressed.
i have relativley good health but my mental health unfortunatly has always been poor and wanting.
i do have will power and it is so hard to think positive when for the best part of 40 years you struggled to stay focused and positive.
in my situation, i could do something a millions times to know it inside out
but each morning i wake up i feel like its the 1st time i have done anything.
its like my brain wont function normally.
i'm a 39 year old man who has been through loads of things
i should have some confidence in myself by now....but i dont.
its like i forget that i can walk through the door and say good morning and smile and have a conversation like anyone else.
why am i like this?

Just an idea to help anxiety. It worked for me in some areas. Toastmasters is an enjoyable way to improve confidence. You may have heard of Toastmasters - it is a Club which encourages its members to speak in front of a group of people and get over the fear of public speaking. As well as getting over this fear it also helps in all areas of life. It has not cured my hand writing phobia - however it has helped me in many other ways.