h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Try putting a notice on the fridge stating that certain items in the fridge have been laced with laxatives or something. If it doesn't work as a bluff, then really put some in it and you'll not only have a thief that's learned their lesson, but you'll be able to trace them to the exact toilet they're currently located on. I won't tell you how to trace them, you should be able to guess.

Not a very nice thing to do, but food is a valuable commodity, unless you happen to be an android of some sort...

Stealing food is such a dodgy business. If you're a repeat offender then be prepared to come unstuck once in a while. For every occasional drop of milk you steal from your mates carton, (thinking it will go unnoticed), you're bound to get the odd decoy, laced with something awful like urine.

This used to go on when I was in university halls and there really is nothing quite as satisfying as telling the offender that they've just comsumed one or more types of body fluid. This works well because technically what you've done is not an openly aggressive act towards them, so they don't tend to get angry or violent - merely disgusted by what they've done and ashamed of their own behaviour.

On a similar note I heard of a boy at my school who was repeatedly bullied. Everyday at lunch time he would have to hand his sandwiches over to a bully, who would greedily scoff them and take great delight in doing so.

This went on for a while until the victim decided to crush up half a bottle of asprins into his yummy jam sarnies, in the hope that the thieving bully might die.

He didn't (thankfully) but he was very ill, and he never bothered the boy again.

(Moral of the story)
Bully victims are under extreme stress and with that in mind are likely to scheme the most horrendous revenge plots. I can't recall the victim of this story ever getting into any trouble for nearly killing the bully. Because bullying is such a horrible behaviour, victims are seemingly allowed licence to do as they please, which doesn't mean it's right, but - if you're a bully, is food for thought.

I usually find this prevents food from being eaten, meat in particular. Ostensibly meat is taken from the fridge and placed in the freezer to prevent it from going off, so it can be saved for a later meal. And for those who don't trust the microwave defrosting-in-30-seconds process, the meat must be thawed overnight in the fridge to make it ready for consumption.

Unfortunately, planning for a meal *tomorrow* night is too much like hard work when you just want something quick & simple - ooh! like these microwaveable pies right next to the frozen meat! Maybe I'll have that meat tomorrow night...

Our milkman suggested this for the preserving of milk in a communal fridge:

Buy a carton of milk. Empty it, and wash it out. Leave the clean (empty, or you could put water in) carton in the fridge for a fortnight.

No one will think to chuck it away, everyone will think the stuff in the carton has gone off.

Then wash out the carton again, and put some fresh milk in it, and put it back where it was in the fridge.

People will still be under the impression that the milk is off, and will leave it alone.

If you're totally desperate, you could always try buying generic brands of food only, and/or getting food no one would like to eat, much less spend time stealing. And if it WERE to be stolen, you would always be able to find the theif: the person gagging or coughing .

Oohhh.... clever, I like it.

One guy I knew used to dose his milk with green food colouring. He didn't mind the colour on his cornflakes or in his coffee, but apparently no-one else was tempted, as his milk stopped disappearing.
Possibly the fact that he was a chemistry student, and gave the distinct impression of being a borderline psychopath added to the deterrent effect - the green was an effective reminder that there really could be *anything* in there.

I like the one about re-filling the milk carton. At the halls where I stay, we have taken to placing certain items of food in other packets. So our cheese lives in an empty Flora margarine box. (Also good for keeping it a little fresher for longer.)

Clive

I took to drawing faces on eggs and naming them. This seemed to stop people from nicking them as they were unwilling to eat things with a vague appearance of personality.

It also had the unforunate side effect of leaving blue streaks in the eggs when cracked, but that was a small price to pay. Perhaps I could have used waterproof ink.

Oooh... I'm going to try that at my place. I just have to think up some really cute names for them. I wonder if it would work for orange juice? ("No! Don't drink Fred! How can you do that to him?")

The green milk is in some ways an extension of the "EXPERIMENT" label used in the entry. But better becuase the food colouring can give the impression of it being a real one! Giving the foodstuffs personality is a neat touch and who knows with the advent of GM one day they might talk back! .

Buff, what ever became of your Larder Gnome?

Clive

I gave up and stopped bringing home food that I wasn't planning to eat immediatly. I think the fridge has been empty long enough that it might be safe to put food into it again. With any luck he/she/it has stopped looking for food in there.