h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is intended as either a refresher or as an introduction for those new to laundry (ie 8-year olds and recently divorced men — also the formerly rich and other recently arrived visitors to the planet).

A key to washing instructions:

Hand wash separately
This is 'default' language, similar to 'Do not operate machinery' or, 'Not suitable for children under three'. It means: Pay no attention.

Dry clean only
Means: You are either to poor to own this garment or too stupid to realise what a problem it's going to be. It'll be your own fault when it looks like hell and then falls apart.

Do not tumble dry
Means: Tumble dry low

Tumble dry low
Means: Go for your life

Tumble dry high
An intentional misrepresentation designed to get you to buy what is obviously an inferior item. Means: (In this order) Do not buy, do not wash, do not dry.

There has been some speculation that washing tags are part of a cruel, international hoax. However, more recent investigation suggest that these tags are amongst the many unnoticed 'shared fictions' of our time — akin to the ideas that electing Republicans/Conservatives will lower taxes, or electing Democrats/Labor will improve healthcare.

Alternate solution to the laundry tag question is to quickly meet/find someone who will do your laundry for you.

Alternate alternate solution is to pay someone to do your laundry, if you are among those the 'formerly rich', hurry up and get back on the gravy train. You did it before so do it again.

This has been published before so I can't take credit for it.
Simply take all your dirty clothes to a charity shop, they will wash them and you can buy them back for £1.Must be cheaper than running a washing machine!
.

If I try to follow the directions on laundry tags it means I will have to dry about 3 1/2 items each time I do laundry on low hheat and this is not economical because I must go to laundry mats. Very sad this because it also means my clothes shrink.

Those laundry tags are made for people with families and hence have loads of laundry to do.

As a single person, I never seem to have enough of any one type to make a load . . . or even half a load.

So when I read the label I'm only looking to see if I can tumble dry it or not. I chuck everything in on the 'quick wash' cycle and hope for the best.

Good clothes (that I can't afford to ruin) go to the cleaners.