The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Sep 30, 2004
Pins and Needles
Just why can't someone make a really comfy toilet seat is one of life's really important questions! I'm sat down having a bit of a read of this mornings newspaper. Doing the crossword is a bit harder than usual so it's taking me a bit longer and the steam for the running bath has made the newspaper go slightly limp too. Even the pencil is having problems trying to mark the paper.
07.17: I turn the page of the newspaper to the 'Court Circular' I wonder what I'm doing today then;
'The Queen will be holding a BBQ in her back garden this afternoon at Buckingham Palace'
and so it seems I'm not invited again! So who's dead then? I start to read the obituaries. No one I know is in there, so I turn the page again and have a look at the sport page. Some footy player has had a operation on his bum and will be out for the rest of the season. That sporty persons bum is going to get better sat on a posh, expensive, leather car seat, so why can't they make a nice comfy bog seat for my bum?!
07.34: Radio2 is playing and I try to rise. My legs don't work - they're like lead weights attached to my body and it's all I can do to stand! I hang on to the cistern, swaying in time to the Radio 2 music.
'What are you doing in there and put the seat down after you finished' said my missus.
'I can't move my legs. They have given up on me' I said.
'Good, you've been there long enough. I want to get in there myself
now!' she said and she opens the bathroom door.
Now she is no stranger to me, but it's strange that when your partner enters the bathroom, bearing in mind you've been with them all night tucked up in bed, you get to be all of a sudden shy! I drop my newspaper to cover my personal bits in a frantic search for modesty which arrived at the tender age of 13, stayed with me till the age of 31 then left me till around 42 when my stomach size got a bit bigger then my inside leg measurement1.
'DO YOU MIND' I said.
'No' she said.
'It's the only time I get to have some form of privacy. At my time of life one should have time on his/her own.' I add to the conversation.
'Men can be the most idiotic berks. Just get in the bath now!' she said!
I don't reply and get into the nice warm water.
'I thought I told you to put the seat down.' she says putting the seat down with the lid too. She sits down and starts to put her 'face' on using my shaving mirror! I still find it amazing watching my missus putting on her 'face' and getting ready to face the world. I have noticed that woman in a bathroom environment tend to spend much more time looking, cleaning, plucking and making little noises. I slide down under the warm water and hide till she gone to the bedroom to get dressed! It's a different world in water. All sound is muffled, nice. I come up for air and I hear
'Right, I'm off to work and I'll see you later on. Be good and don't forget the shopping. I've made you a list and its stuck on the fridge' she says.
I silently mouth the last part of the sentence in time to her words and I have a wet flannel shied at my head for good measure. I slide back under the warm water only to bob back up when she gone!
08.52: I wake up to find the cold water and air have come into the bathroom. I have to quickly exit the bath for the warmth of the bedroom and a quick towel down. The plan for today is to get dressed, go downstairs for breakfast with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM), then out into the fine autumnal morning and a spot of blackberry picking with a few apples too, come back home and bake a pie - and I must not forget the shopping too. So I arrive in the kitchen. The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) say good morning and we have breakfast. We have another new 'next door' and they're quite nice from what I've seen of them - which is not a lot as they work. You never see them in their garden too. Strange, that, as it's a nice garden. I am thinking this when I see the 'next door' walk passed the kitchen window and knock the back door!
I open the door and say 'hello' and he says his his name which I promptly forget whilst trying to stop the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) from dismantling his left leg. So I ask him again and find out it's Brad2. We shake hands and I ask him if he fancies a cuppa. He seems quite agitated so I ask him 'what's the problem?'
'That Smell!' comes the reply.
'Ok, that's the sewerage farm just over there.' I point in the general direction of it and say, 'you only get it once in a while and a worst smell is on every third Tuesday in the month when we have a market in the car park!'
He looked not very impressed. He has suddenly lost a nice toothy grin3.
'So, how are you finding the old country then?' I say, trying to make conversation but I could tell his mind was somewhere else.
'Oh a little strange. We lived in London before but finding ourselves out here is a little strange. Nice friendly people though.' Brad says.
'Well it's a friendly village, is this village. It's the sort of place that's full of interesting people and customs too.' I say to
reassure him. He looks at me and I know it is coming.
'What's the thing with "the men dancing with handkerchiefs" outside the pub and the pub being called "the other pub"? I still can't work that one out.' he says, still without his toothy grin!
'Morris men' I say following it up with a short explanation, which ends up with the fact that these blokes are complete and utter idiots and at all costs you are to stay away from them and, yes, it is an inflated pig's bladder they're hitting one another around the head with!
Also how many pubs are there in the village?
'Two. One's called "The Cat and the Custard Pot" and the other is "The Other Pub" - simple really.'
A toothy grin reappears. A job well done I think to myself!
'Brad, what are you up to today, anything?' I ask.
'Why' Brad replies.
'Because I'm out blackberry picking and apple picking. Also, if the plums are still there, a few of them too!' I say followed by 'And if you have nothing to do...?' I leave the question open. I put the kettle on, wave a cup and ask how many sugars. The door bursts open and in stumbles Two Watches and Dave with their dogs (GOD BLESS'UM). I introduce them to Brad and I get the bad news that the rabbit warren at Lea4 ) was hunted last night by the 'Duffton lot'. It's a unwritten rule that it's not theirs to hunt. It was in our parish till the 1970s boundary changes which we don't recognise. Brad's a bit confused at this news but, like the good bloke he is, says nothing! You have to remember that the village of Duffton is only 1 mile away from ours and that's way too close for comfort. Revenge is talked and planned for the next half hour till Brad reminds me that he thought we were going blackberry picking.
Dave looks and says 'count us in.'
Two Watches says 'yeah me too.'
and we're out the back door with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and Brad - in a pair of borrowed wellies!
I'm walking a little stiff in the legs. Dave notices this and asks what's going on. With a bit of a wink I tell him about the toilet seat this morning!
He says 'You sure it's not something else?!' He winks again and makes a really rude jester with his arm and the gang starts to snigger.
We come to the first blackberry bush. About half a kilo each we take and they're nice wild ones too - got a really sharp taste! But I still have these sort of pins and needles in my legs. We move on to the next bush and then on around the village ending up at 13.00 in the back bar of the pub. It's really giving me some jip, these pins and needles in my legs!
Ally comes over with the beer. Brad takes a second look at Ally, then looks at Dave who nods and says
'Yep, you're right!' then sips at his pint.
'Get it down your neck Brad' says Two Watches with a smile.
Brad starts to drink then Les turns up.
'Have you heard about the Warren?' he says and we all go in unison.
'Yep!'
'So what are we going to do about it?' says Les.
'We are formulating a plan of revenge, right now!' says Two Watches 'but we're waiting for the Rev Jack, here, to stop fidgeting.'
It's true, I was and Ally the barmaid and first-aid person comes over.
'What's the matter with you?' she says, looking at me.
'Pins and needles in my legs.' I say.
'Right, let me see.' she says.
'What, here in the bar? With this lot watching!' I say with everyone looking into their pints and waiting (sniggers from the bar).
'No, not here, out in the back room and before anyone says anything I'll bar anyone who says anything with innuendo attached.' she says and it all goes quiet!
We're in the back room and she's looking at my legs.
'I'm not happy with the marks on your calfs. I'm going to call the doctor for some advice' she says. 'You stay there with your legs up.' She phones the surgery!
The doctor duly arrives and Dave pokes his head around the door.
'You ok' he says and Ally tells him to leave using only two words which are only used in the best society.
The doctor is asking me questions about how long I sat on the toilet this morning and when did the pins and needles start and general stuff like that. Then he must have noticed something only a trained eye could notice. He tells me to stand up and remain still. He goes to his briefcase and removes a scalpel. Looking at me he says;
'This won't hurt if you keep still.' and looks at Ally and then
back at me!
Ally sniggers and says 'How could I have missed that!'
Taking the scalpel he introduces it on to my left leg just by my underpants leg hole and carefully slices the elastic in the underpants leg hole.
'Now for the right one.' he says and he repeats the procedure. 'And how does that feel, Jack?' he says after a few minutes.
'Fine Doc.' I say.
'Good' he says 'And next time put them on the right way round - it will save me a wasted journey and you a new pair of underpants! And Ally you did the right thing by calling me out.'
I walk back into the bar a new man, somewhat embarrassed at the fact that the whole pub knew that I had put my underpants on the wrong way round, but feeling better without the pins and needles. The doc also has a large whiskey for his troubles and I have a phone call from my missus calling me something I rather not repeat here!
But the blackberries and apples were great!
Rev Jack
