h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Out here in Tucson, Arizona USA1, we have a few extra things that go bump in the night.
1. Wildlife - in addition to nocternal pets, many areas have nocturnal wild animals rummaging around. Here's a breakdown for the Sonoran Desert:
A. Bats - These are more disturbing if you are outside. They rarely run into people2, but the sight of small dark shapes flitting about can be unsettling to newcomers.

B. Javelinas - More disturbing than bats are our wild desert pigs. Large troups of these move around at night and make quite a racket, particularly when attacked by:
C. Coyotes - Smaller cousins of wolves, these canines are mostly harmless to full grown adults. Children and smaller pets (Chihuahuas3 and cats) should avoid them though. Coyotes do howl and yip, just like in the movies. A howling coyote at sunset in a movie is romantic; the same coyote howling and rooting through your garbage cans is not.
D. Jackrabbits - A jackrabbit is not a rabbit. It is a hare. The chief difference is size. An adult jackrabbit is a match for anything up to and including a collie. They generally go thump, hump, thump, etc. in the night.
E. Birds - Don't ask me why, but it seems like half the birds in Arizona are awake outside our window calling to each other all night. It must be the heat.

2. Electrical Appliances - Its hot out here. Many of you may not comprehend how hot it is. To conserve electricity (to run our air conditioners in the daytime), we run our appliances at night. For example, my wife and I routinely kick off the clothsdrier or dishwasher at 11, just before bedtime. An off-kilter pot in the dishwasher can be quite a suprise.
Also, we do occasionally need to run the A/C at night. As this goes on and off, it can create quite a racket.

--------------
1. Tucson is a town of about 800,000 located 100 miles south east of Phoenix in the heart of the Sonoran Desert. We have a very nice university (of Arizona), excellent hiking, unbelievable Mexican food and sun 300 days out of the year (the other 60 days, we have lightning, with a bit of rain). If anyone is interested, I'll write up a guide. Until then, just swing by the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum in the spring, then hit Cafe Poca Cosa for dinner and you'll get the idea.

2. Of course, one ran smack into my wife right after she moved to the state. She hasn't forgiven them since.

3. Chihuahua - A breed of dog known for its sweet, loving disposition to its owner and threats of extreme savage violence to anyone else. Do not let their 5 pound size fool you - they'll tear your ankles off, then work their way up.

Asquirril has eaten a ole through the ouside of my house. Itgoes "SCRAPE, THUD THUD THUD,SCRABBLE, THUD BANG! BANG! BANG!" S**T!

The three "bangs" are my fist hitting the wall beside my bed and putting said fist through wall...

What's worse is the things that don't go crash bang or thump (including aggravated persons of any gender). I'd rather worry about noise than that critter crawling up my leg! Spiders really suck.

Especially the ones that bite.

Or are extremely hairy. Sorry not to catch ya sooner.

I'd forgotten about the spiders! The little black ones with a red spot on the belly are dangerous, but don't tend to wander the house much. The big hairy ones (some are 8 inches across) aren't dangerous, just disconcerting. I haven't seen either at our new house. I guess our Chihuahuas are doing their job.

Go doggies! I think I'd like em. Almost missed ya.

The spiders around here don't make particularly major bumping noises in the house, perhaps yours are slightly larger...

The major cause of bumping I find is drunken housemates coming back at three in the morning.

How about the packrats in the Sagauros as well as eating the
wiring in your car!
Oh and you didn't bother to tell our friends from the more temperate
lands just how hot Tucson can be that 300 days of sun a year.

Well, you asked for it. How hot is it in Tucson, Arizona? Well, its so hot that...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. Heck, no one would dream of having a car without air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to Arizona once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A
rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."