The place was the Sudan, the time scale was 2 September 1898. The Battle of Omdurman pitted an army of desert tribesman against the full military might of the biggest empire in world history, the British Empire. On that occasion it was the Dervish, all fifty two thousand of them, who took 95% dead/casualties and shocked Winston Churchill into saying;

'British firepower has transformed the vibrant Dervish Warrior into mere 'dirty bits of newspaper' strew over the plain.'

I spend the next half hour watching the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) playing and thinking about the problem. 'Just what is missing from this garden of mine?' Then, like a bolt out of the blue, 'Bunting'! I need to acquire some bunting. A slight revision here not for the garden but for 'the Viceregal lodge¹'. Some over the doorway and a little inside for good measure. It will go with the fairy lights, I think! Time for a beer too! So I grab the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and their leads and head of towards the pub by way of the common, thinking of the 'Empire' that I have been reading about. There's a 'Quiz night' in the back bar when I arrive and Dave is looking for another two team members. I agree to join in and with Les and 'Two Watches' we make up the members of 'The Combiners 2'. Well we could have been 'The Combiners' but some team already had that name. 'So nothing original there, then!' I thought. I grab a beer and sit down with my fellow team members. The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are ensconced by the fire - only ten minutes till the start of the quiz.

So I ask Dave where I could get some bunting for the 'Viceregal lodge²'.
'After the quiz! We just got to win, because those smug B******'s from Duffton are sat over there using our name' he says with some venom in his voice!
'Yeah' said Les!
'Right then, question 1. Just what is an 'Irish Martingale' and
where exactly would you find it?' says the quiz master.
'Good!' says Two Watches 'A medical question!'

We all look at him.
'And just how long have you been working with horses? Christ you really are the bl**dy limit you really are!' says Dave to Two Watches. So it's settled in to the category of one of those strange nights. It's only 20.00 hrs and I'm only on my first beer too! My head is hurting already and I had such a wonderful day too.

21.00 hrs and there's a half time break. Les goes to the toilet and
the rest of use start to talk about the quiz.
'I know where there's some bunting' pipes up Two Watches.
'Later on eh!' I say, but it's much too late. Two Watches is off and running now so there's no stopping him. He gets up and leaves in a bit of a hurry.
'Hope he's back before the start of the second half' says Les.
'Lets hope he's not' say Dave and I in unison.

21.15 and Two Watches still hasn't returned. Dave tells Les
'For the first time in a long while we're in with a chance of winning and also stuffing the Duffton lot too!'

It's 22.30 and the quiz has finished. We are second and Duffton is nowhere. Dave is over the moon and buys us a round of beer but there's still no Two Watches and Les remarks about this fact as we leave the pub. Dave is still shouting at the Duffton lot and calling them losers as we enter the street. Walking down the middle of the street we let the world know that we came second and also we stuffed the Duffton lot too! We pass the 'Other Pub'. Standing outside we let them know what's happened through the window. Mo, the landlady, tells us to get out or she will call the police. Dave blows a raspberry at her and we're chased by her hubby down the street to the amusement of the regulars of the 'Other Pub'! But still no Two Watches. Dave says
'He's a big lad, but I feel responsible for the idiot. We better have a look for him!'

So we spend the next hour looking for him but to no avail, so we retire to Les's kitchen for a night cap. The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) like Les's missus because she feeds them roast chicken whenever they turn up³! It's now 01.30 and I'm going to go home and face the music!

I turn right, out on to the street and I hear a faint cry for help. I look around but, not seeing anything, I try to carry on only to be stopped in my tracks by my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM). They're not letting me go anywhere! Then I hear it again and I look up and find the source of the sound. It's Two Watches stuck up the side of the school tangled up in the TV aerial cable, phone cable and, of course, bunting. I return to Dave's house. On picking up the lads we return to the scene of the offence and try and spring Two Watches without doing too much damage to the cables or the school - Two Watches doesn't count as he's damaged all ready! It's now 02.16 and we're getting nowhere. Two Watches is stuck fast and we can't move him. Even if we cut him free it's still a long drop and you just don't know what sort of damage you can inflict on the floor of the world by dropping Two Watches on it. Still he has got to come down! Then we hear something else - something that you don't want to hear;
'Well then I just hope you not going to tell me your window cleaning, because I would not be a happy copper, because I would then know you lot was lying to me and that's not nice.'

It is Nick the local copper!
'Nope we're not.' says Dave!
'So then just what are you lot doing then? The question has to be asked you know. I have to fill out reports at the nick and they're usually in triplicate too! It better be good!' says Nick.
'Ok Nick, its Two Watches. Just give us a hand getting him down!' I say.
'Two Watches eh!' says Nick. 'Well why didn't you say so!'.

With Nick's help we get Two Watches down off the roof and without breaking any of the cables or roof tiles!

Dave says 'A cuppa I think then!'
'Ok!' everyone says in unison and we all walked over to Dave's House.

'Strange,' I think as we are walking over the road, 'Nick hasn't said anything, nothing at all.' We enter Dave's house, the kettle goes on and then Nick says to Two Watches
'How long were you up there then?'
'From 21.00' is the response.
'Right, and what were you doing up there?' says Nick.
'Bunting' says Two Watches.
'You saw some bl**by bird on the school roof and you thought you go and investigate? You must be the biggest village idiot in the history of village idiot's. Christ, when will you lot grow up? Two Watches, this time it is just a warning all right? If I find you lot mucking about any more on my manor, someone is going to get nicked! Got it?!' says Nick as he leaves Dave's house!
'Oh and before I forget, it's coming up to bonfire night. If I hear anymore of your test squibs I'll nick you too, Jack! Do you understand me?!' as he stuff's his head back round the door, with the biggest smile on his face!
'Yes I do understand!' I say.

'Well what's got into him then? Thought we'd be up in front of your missus⁴ in the morning Jack' says Dave.
'Don't know' I say.
'I know' says Two Watches.
'And?' we all say in unison.
'He helped me get up there' says Two Watches. 'Held the ladder and everything!' he carries on!

We just look at Two Watches with our mouths open.
'And I've got your bunting too!' says Two Watches opening his coat. Out falls a length of red, white and blue bunting!

To 'the Viceregal lodge⁵', I cry and we all b***er off to the shed for snorker's and eggs. We need a bunting hanging breakfast party!

We all arrive at the 'the Viceregal lodge⁶', and my missus is waiting.
'Ahhh the memsahib up and about. Fancy a snorker or two with a nice egg? We're having some!' I say with a cheery smile.
'Just where did you get the sausages?' she says.

I, of course, reply 'from the sausage maker down at the bottom of the garden. Quite a nice fellow too! Goes oink if you press his tummy.'

She give me a look that could melt the Sun!
'One or two sausages, love?' - I try to redeem myself but it far too late! She's in the 'ZONE' but I keep turning the snoorkers and the smell is working its magic. My missus starts to come around to our way of thinking and I say
'How do you like your egg's, dear?'
'Unfertilized' she replies.

I give her a quizzical look and she winks back.
'I'll get some more bread and eggs - and what's this bloomin' bunting doing in the floor?' she says.
'I'll tell you later love' I say and start to dish out the breakfast!

Rev Jack

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