The fact is that I'm getting older. I notice this once again as I look in the shaving mirror! Got more lines than a relief map of the French alps I'm thinking! The steam from the hot tap water has applied a thin layer of condensation on to the mirror, I begin to draw around my reflection.
'Don't do that. You're not the one that has to clean it.' she spits through the door.

I walk over to the toilet and put the seat in the 'up' position.
'You can put it down, when you're finished. Here's your towel!' she says, handing the towel around the door.

Once again through a solid wall she knows what I'm doing in the bathroom. Have I, over the years lost all privacy? I leave the seat in the 'up' position, spend a few seconds looking at it with a quiet defiance, switch on the shower and enter. The warm water drowns out the world and just for a few minutes I stand under the water enjoying the
moment of being by myself.

I towel myself off, head out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. She's downstairs. I can hear her. I'm sitting on the end of the bed looking out of the window. A nice day; I'll crack into the work, have the afternoon off and spend the afternoon with the garden. I haven't been social with the garden for a few weeks now and later, when it's cooler, I'll take the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) for a walk. So a plan forms.

I don't really notice when she comes into the bedroom as I'm deep in thought - till she gives me a peck on the cheek. I follow her lead and give her a peck on the cheek back. She says
'I got to go, late for work, see you later on!'

and she's gone.
'Bye'

I say to an empty room, I carry on and get dressed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have the dirty tea mugs in my hand, as I enter the kitchen. I say 'Good morning' to the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) put the mugs in the sink
and let the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) out into the garden. This happens every day in our house. Now that I work from home the world seems smaller somehow. It's not like I'm not meeting people or missing out on something! I'm sounding like my missus before she got this job of hers!
The phone rings, breaking my thoughts, and I answer it. It's Carol's secretary from my workplace asking if the teaching notes for course 3884 were finished. I said they were and she asked if she could pick them up this afternoon!
'Of course I could bring them in to the office'

I say
'Ok and you can meet the rest of the team'

she says. I put the phone down! A 'Team'! I have never been in a 'Team' before. I enter my room, switch on the PC and begin the days work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm getting nervous as it starts to approach the time to leave for the office so I'm taking the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) with me just for support. The drive in was good and then there they were in the office. I hand in the requested course and I notice that I'm the only male there! I ask Pam, the receptionist, where blokes went. There used to be four of them the last time I was in here although I must admit that was well over a year ago.
'Well the last one left about a month ago when Carol was promoted to head. Before that she was acting head for six months and most of them left then!' she says.
'Wow' I say. She then went on to say
'Jerry felt intimidated by her, threatened too, so he left.'

I knew Jerry, a nice bloke, one of those blokes who doesn't say boo to a goose. A family bloke who felt threatened, intimidated by a woman or was it the boss who just happens to be a woman? I sit and discuss this point with Pam, a sort of interesting chat as I've known her for years!

'So there you are! I've been waiting for ten minutes for you to arrive and I find you out here, chatting to the receptionist who I'll speak to later!'

she says in a sort of very official voice.

I apologise and smile, following her into the office and feeling very much the naughty school boy visiting the headmaster's office for the first time. She shuts the door behind me and gets underway telling me the cost of wasted time in an office environment and the fact that dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) should not be brought into an office, especially this office, her office! I can now see why men left! I'm feeling intimidated, threatened and finally bored. My mind starts to wander like it did when you are at school. At first you start to look out the window for inspiration, then back into the room, back out of the window. I've stopped taking any notice of her now. To prove the point I find the chair and sit down, putting the work that I've done on her desk! Now I have her complete attention but, because I'm sat down I don't care, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) walk over and sit one either side of the chair. The new boss sits behind me. I still haven't said a word; in fact she doing enough 'gob' for all of us. I'm getting angry, upset with the fact that this boss is quoting memo's at me that is quite obvious I haven't seen yet alone read, rule changes that 'she's implemented' over the past 6 months¹ at great expense, 'her time and effort' and the one that I like the best, 'Pulling this office into the 21^st century' not that it was in any other century but the 21^st century². The 'walking gob on legs' is still 'at it' when the phone rings. Thank god! It broke into her stride.

'And hold all call's for the next half hour.' she finishes.

So I'm to have the next half hour of her 'precious time'? Swinging her 'eye of Mordor' back on to me, I settle in for the duration. She has now moved on to 'dress code' of which, according to her, I have none! She has a point, I have none! I have my black formal flip flops on today but that's all.
'The memo dated 24^th of the 6^th of 2004^th clearly states that shoes or court shoes (if you're a woman) should have a heel of no more 1" high, also no tea shirts, casual jeans, trainers.'

I think you (the reader) have the point now. It's more like an hour and a half then half an hour when finally the storm blows itself out. I deem it safe enough to answer some of the points she pointed out to me about my dress, life style and dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) then I realise that she hasn't said a thing about my work, not one thing! Was that a personal attack, I wonder?
'I'll expect your resignation on my desk tomorrow. It will save you and I the embarrassing letter that I will have to send you!'

was the last thing I heard as I walked out the door. I said goodbye to Pam and remarked just how lightly I got off!

I let the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) lift their legs in the office garden before I put them in the car for the drive home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I'll give her eight out of ten, for the argument!' I say to the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) as we drive back home, park the car on the drive and enter the house. In the kitchen is my missus.
'That phone has not stopped ringing. Just who have you upset now at the office?' she says.
'Carol.' I say. I carry on to say: 'It was mostly about my dress code and 'our life style'; office time travel too! Also the fact that I took the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) into the office this afternoon. Also talking to Pam about the fact there's no blokes in the office now!'
'That's nice dear.' she replies 'Men do tend to clutter up the place. Tea?' she adds.
'Yes please' I say smiling!
'Oh, before I forget. You will be gentle with her won't you? She's been asked by me to come over later to find out what is going on!' says my missus.
'Of course dear, I will as she's still quite young!' I reply!

I go into my room, disconnect the phone line and return back to the kitchen where my missus is making tea.
'Why don't you make yourself useful and pick out some nice wine? Better make it 3 bottles because I've invited Pam, the receptionist, over with her boyfriend. She was quite upset after you left' my missus says.
'Ok, white or red?' I inquire!
'White, I think.' is the response back! Off I go to fine some white wine. When I return Sue, our secretary and her bloke are in the kitchen.
'You didn't half cause some trouble this afternoon, didn't you! Why didn't you tell her just who you were?' says Sue.
'You know me Sue, artist and sensitive person that I am.' I say with a sly smile. Sue smiles back and then says
'It was wrong of you to let her carry on like that without telling her who you were in the company, it really was! I would not have liked it happening to me'
'But you would have not done it like that, would you, Sue!' I
reply.
'Well, no! But it's not right' she says.
'Ok, I know' I say, 'But it was the first time we've ever met and she went straight in for the kill. Also, how is she to know who I am in the company if I'm not on the 'rogues gallery' photos on the wall?''
'But we had to take it down because it was frightening the cleaning staff.' says my misses. Everyone sniggers loudly.

Sssssh... she's parking her car now. Everyone goes quiet and looks at me. I try to remain calm but I'm shaking inside as I'm to talk to a
woman. I don't want to do this but I have to. I shirked it earlier in the office but it's now to be done at my home, in my room, with me and I'm scared stiff! Woman frighten me and I'll readily admit it. Don't ask why but they do! There's a knock on the front door and Sue goes to answer it. I can hear the muffled conversation and I quickly nip into my room and hide behind my stuffed polar bear. Then I hear it:
'Just go in the room, there.' says my missus.
'Hello and how are you?' I say.
'WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE????' she shouts at the top of her voice.
'Why don't you sit down and find out?' I say noticing two heads
quickly poke themselves around the open door and have a glance at the
proceedings and then disappear again.
'Now we're sitting comfortably I'll begin.' I say and I then I go on to introduce myself and the fact that I own the company with Sue and that my missus is not just one of the directors but the head executive director thingy - the one with the biggest car parking space next to the front door of the office! I was being polite, too, never mentioning that she wasn't wearing a formal suit, office time, travel and anything about memo's but just a chat about the fact that now she's
the 'Head Exec' of the office and doing a good job of it too. I'm stopped in my tracks by Carol.
'I'll hand my resignation in tomorrow, and clear my desk!' she says.
'Oh good.' I say. My missus must have been ear wigging just outside the door because she comes in and says
'No you won't, Carol. He's not supposed to accept your resignation.' and then looks at me. 'I'll take over now. Leave Carol and I. You know she had every right telling you off this afternoon in the office the way you act sometimes and ask Sue to come in.'

I leave my room for the kitchen and tell Sue to go in!

It's funny how woman stick together with some invisible force! Get a couple of them in a group and you don't stand a chance. Even Ally in the pub has this ability to give you 'that' look! It's a group thing that us men don't do, can't do, won't do. Most of the men reading this well be sniggering about now and normally I would too if I was in the pub with a group of my mates. But sat here writing this I'm on my own, glad of the fact that I have this time to myself in my house, as it's full of women. Even my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are female and I'm feeling a
little out numbered. It's like when I had my little 'op'. I had a woman doctor (Urologist) but my missus came into the consultation with me 'so you don't forget to tell her, everything'. But, in practice, this meant I was discussed over whilst being examined! Also the 'op' was agreed upon, then they discussed how it was to 'look' - a discussion I was not allowed to take part in. I suddenly became invisible, which gave me a insight to how woman come to an agreement. It was like I became a set of new curtains to be bought.

Suddenly they're out of my room, all of them laughing and being girls together.
'Better get another bottle of wine dear. Carol's staying for tea and the meeting tonight.' my missus says.
'Ok dear!' I say. I'm happy just to get my room back!

Rev Jack

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