h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I was small I used to read Shell Silverstein religiously. Shell Silverstein started out writing adult poetry for Playboy, when someone convinced him that he would be great at writing children's poetry. He resisted for a long time, but finally gave in. Some of his children's books include, "Where the Sidewalk Ends", "A Light in the Attic", "Falling Up", and probably his most famous work, "The Giving Tree".

I would like to think his early adult writings gave him an interesting perspective on children's poetry. He wasn't afraid to deal with gross, strange, and sometimes realistic types of issues. I submit for your perusal:

God says to me with a kind of smile,
"Hey how would you like to be God awhile
And steer the world?"
"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.
Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?
"Gimme back that wheel," says God.
"I don't think you're quite ready yet."

Inside everybody's nose
There lives a sharp-toothed snail.
So if you stick your finger in,
He may bite off your nail.
Stick it farther up inside,
And he may bite your ring off.
Stick it all the way, and he
May bite the whole darn thing off.

Tell me I'm clever,
Tell me I'm kind,
Tell me I'm talented,
Tell me I'm cute,
Tell me I'm senstive,
Graceful and wise,
Tell me I'm perfect --
But tell me the truth.


I got grabbed by the elk and the caribou.
They tied me up with a vine lassoo
And whisked me away to Animaloo,
Where they locked me up in the People Zoo.

Now I'm here in a cage that is small as can be
(You can't let wild people just run around free),
And I'm fed bread and tea at a quarter to three,
And the animals all come and gander at me.

They point and that giggle and sometimes they spit
(There's bars on my cage, so they can't poke or hit),
And they scream, "Do a trick,"but I stubbornly sit,
Not doin' nothin'...but thinkin' a bit.

So if you come visit, just howl, honk, or moo
And try to pretend you're an animal, too,
'Cause if you're a person, they'll throw you into
Cage Two of the zoo here in Animaloo.


Mo memorized the dictionary
But just can't seem to find a job
Ore anyone who wants to marry
Someone who memorized the dictionary


The saddest thing I ever did see
Was a woodpecker peckin' at a plastic tree.
He looks at me, and "Friend," says he,
"Things ain't as sweet as they used to be."


An oak and a rosebush grew,
Young and green together,
Talking the talk of growing things-
Wind and water and weather.
And while the rosebush sweetly bloomed
The oak tree grew so high
That now it spoke of newer things-
Eagles, mountain peaks and sky.
"I guess you think you're pretty great,"
The rose was heard to cry,
Screaming as loud as it possibly could
To the treetop in the sky.
"And you have no time for flower talk,
Now that you've grown so tall."
"It's not so much that I've grown," said the tree
"It's just that you've stayed so small."


He's the man in the iron pail mask,
He can do the most difficult task,
He can duel, he can joust
He can charge, he can chase
He can climb, he can rhyme,
He can wrestle and race.
He'll show you his courage
But never his face,
No matter how ofetn you ask.
He's the Brave and the Fearless
The usually Tearless
Man in the iron pail mask.


Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the little old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of the old wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the little old man.


Small as a peanut,
Big as a giant,
We're all the same size
When we turn off the light.
Red, black or orange,
Yellow or white,
We all look the same
When we turn off the light.
So maybe the way
To make everything right
Is for God to just reach out
And turn off the light!


Did you hear 'bout Ticklish Tom?
He got tickled by his mom.
Wiggled and giggled and fell on the floor,
Laughed and rolled right out the door.
All the way to school and then
He got tickled by his friends.
Laughed till he fell off his stool,
Laughed and rolled right out of school
Down the stairs and finally stopped
Till he got tickled by a cop.
And all the more that he kept gigglin',
All the more folks kept ticklin'.
He shrieked and screamed and rolled around,
Laughed his way right out of town.
Through the country down the road,
He got tickled by a toad.
Past the mountains across the plain,
Tickled by the falling rain,
Tickled by the soft brown grass,
Tickled by the clouds that passed.
Giggling, rolling on his back
He rolled on the railroad track.
Rumble, rumble, whistle, roar--
Tom ain't ticklish any more.


The one I really wanted to print here I can't find. (Which is why there are so many poems here. I've been off scouring every Shel Silverstein source I can find.) But the one that really caught my attention as a kid was "The Little Engine that Couldn't" and it ended with the line that went something like:

When the road is long and hill is rough
"Thinking you can" just ain't enough.

As an over-achiever, it was an interesting concept that maybe, if I wasn't perfect, I wasn't the only one and that sometimes maybe the rest of the world felt cheated by life too.

I love Shel Silverstein too. I was so upset when I heard he had passed away. Wanted to share my favorite (it also appears to be the motto of any man a woman chooses to live with/marry/etc.):

If you have to do the dishes
Such an awful boring chore
If you have to do the dishes
'stead of going to the store
If you have to do the dishes
and you drop one on the floor
Maybe they won't ask you
to do the dishes anymore!

Also, does anyone know where this one comes from:

There once were two cats from Kilkenny
Each thought there was one cat too many
So they fought and they fit
and they scratched and they bit
Until excepting their nails
and the tips of their tails
Instead of two cats
There weren't any.