You voted now a hush descends on DD's Irish Theatre as the crowds gather for the results of the 1st Annual H2G2 Academy Awards

You Majesty, Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the Academy and an H2G2 Audience of potentiallly over 37,000 welcome to this the inaugral H2G2 Academy of Motion Pictures Awards ceremony without further ado it's over to our host Demon Drawer

Thank you voice in the sky, who is this Billy Crystal guy kidding these are the only awards tonight which count. Welcome everyone there's a couple of seats here at the front next to GOD Almighty, no one seems to want to get too close to him. So we have all the PETAs here and contrary to rumour these were not found in a garbage can in Los Angeles.

*Pause for laughter*

No these are Ratners¹ old stock

*Longer pause*

Without further ado lets get on to the important business of this evening.

Sorry someone has just said in my earpiece that we have to do some presentations before we all head down the Forum and Firkin for the after show party

*Pause for luaghter*

Time for our First Category. Here to present the award for best supporting Actor are Jack, Leazes, Chance and Ardal.

Best Supporting Actor

A fish bowl is placed on the podium

Jack: Well I don't know about you three but my best Actor of all time would have to be Jaws. ~fishy giggles~

Chance and Ardal: ~fishy grin~ we liked Wanda.

Leazes: all good choices but somehow the other Academy had overlooked all the fishes in the past. Maybe there should be some fishy categories.

Jack: DD, as your fish any chance?

DD: Guys please we don't want to overrun now do we.

Chance and Ardal: I guess he wants us to read out the nominees then.

Leazes: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are

Michael Clarke Duncan for the Green Mile

Haley Joel Osmet for The Sixth Sense

John Malkovich for Being John Malkovich

Tom Cruise for Magnolia

Danny De Vito for Man in the Moon

Chance and Ardal: And the winner is

Jack:*opening envelope*Is Haley Joel Osmet, Sixth Sense

~fishy grins~ ~fishy applause~

Best Supporting Actress

Enter Bluebottle, stage left, carrying a PETA award and
wearing coffee-stained short trousers, and tea-stained
legs. Approaches the microphone, and speaks.

Hello all! Well, you're all wondering who won the Best
Supporting Actress award.

And now for the nominations. Several people were nominated,
including:

Angelina Jolie - Girl, Interrupted

Catherine Keener - Being John Malkovich

Samantha Morton - Sweet and Lowdown

Chloë Sevigny - Boys Don't Cry

Toni Collette - The Sixth Sense

Thora Birch - American Beauty

Whoopi Goldberg - Girl, Interupted

Catherine Keener - Being John Malcovich

And now I get to open the envelope - and to do so I have a
very large KNIFE!!!

*Cuts open the envelope with the large knife, whilst the
Voice in the Sky tells him to get on with it.*

*Coughs*

And the winner is... Toni Collette, who was "Lynn Sear"
"The Sixth Sense". Congratulations Toni!

Best Actress

*Menzaclears throat, adjusts bow tie*

Now we reach the time in the evening where we present the award for the
best
Leading Actress. There have been many great films with even greater
leading
ladies over the last 12 months. But we regret to say that we have to
narrow
down the field to a select few nominees.
And these are as follows:


Toni Collette, Janet McTeer, Anette Benning and Hilary Swank.


(I have no idea which films they were nominated for)

Voice in the Sky: *cough* The Sixth Sense, , American Beauty and Boys Don't Cry

Thanks VitS. Ane the winner *rips open envelope* is Anette Benning and Bump

Best Actor

*TM enters stage wearing nothing but a towel*

*Audience gasps in anticipation*

Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening and welcome.



I am very honoured to have been asked to hand out this year's Peta for
'Best Actor'.


As I am a bit late(due to another award-ceremony), let us commence
without further ado.

*Impressive music sets in*

And the nominations are :

- Jim Carrey for Man on the Moon

- Kevin Spacey for American Beauty

- Denzel Washington for The Hurricane

- Jason Schwartzman for Rushmore

Now these are all fine gentlemen who will agree that the point is not
to win, but to play the game.
Or in the words of Chris Lambert(whom I have just seen practicing with
a sword backstage...) : "There can be only one".

So...The PETA for Best Actor 1999 goes to...

*opens envelope with a rather large and well-known sword*

Kevin Spacey for American Beauty !

*Congratulates Kevin, hands over Peta and exits the stage*

Lifetime Achievement

The light's dim in expectation of the first inductee into the Hall of Fame. A spotlight glances to the staircase at the back of the stage.

*Peta sweeps on stage, glittering black sequin dress sashaying in her
wake,
and waits for hushed silence*

*Hushed silence*

While we are celebrating the glorious talent of the virile and nubile
among
us, let us not forget those old masters who made the business that we
like
to call show business what it is today. This year has seen the sad
loss of
one of these old gentlemen of the screen *sniffles*.

*Bows head in a moment of solemn contemplation*

*Composes herself and wipes tear from eyes*

Those of us who were extremely fond of him will remember him as Papa or
Big
Daddy. Many more of you knew him as 'husband'.

Stanley Kubrick treated such hallowed subjects as Spartacus and Dr
Strangelove among his subjects. It is true though that you would have
had
to have your eyes wide shut to appreciate the fuller, deeper meanings
of
2001: A Space Odyssey and the protection of a Full Metal Jacket to
appreciate the finer points of A Clockwork Orange.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I award the PETA for lifetime achievement to Stanley Kubrick.

And now the Grand Finale the Award for Best Picture

*coff, coff*

er, ah...hullo all.

*ahem*
bludragon here.

no, no, please dont get up. no formalities outside of Damogran.
I am honored to have been asked to present the coveted Peta award for
h2g2 Best Picture of the Year; according to the highly trained and
talented h2g2 Researchers.

I just gotta ask one question: were you folks voting for the same
thing that 'other' award was???? If anything is clear it is that we
have some different ideas about what is 'Best' than those folks in
'tinsel town' do. All I know is I gotta whole list of movies to go
see now.

*GRIN*

And I gotta mention that Sunday morning my favorite reviewer ,John
Leonard, admitted on CBS that my choice Topsy-Turvy was his as well.
But , dont worry, 'cause I betcha you still won't have to stand in
line for a movie on Gilbert and Sullivan. Even with BOTH of us
recommending it.


Well now, the important stuff, the selection...

*Reads off Envelope*

The nominess are...

South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

American Beauty

The Sixth Sense

Toy Story II

and The Green Mile

*Drumroll*

Rips open envelope

And the PETA goes to American Beauty

The Members of the Academy who voted²

Acheron, adeve, Afgncaap5, Holistic Detective (Who is currently bragging about being a MultiMau), Astrodome Goth, Avatar, Bistorist, Bluebottle (Hannibal, Murdoch, BA, F)ACE, bluDragon [alias R15304], Blueredblue, Blues Dog, CD4, Chi-Gal, Closer to Thirty than Twenty Munchkin, Gaah! (Quiz Round Five has been postified), Crescent ACE, Crusader, Deg-Z, Eccles, English Ben, Fairly Strange (ACE), Fish Killer, Geoff, Ginger the Feisty, GOD Almighty, Grey Area, GreyRose, G'vnah, Irving Washington, Jack, Jenny and Fred the cheese, Jensr, Jimi X, Jimm, Joanna (Princess of Darkness) ACE, Joolsee, Krunchy, Marv the Grate Archbishop CotTB, MaW (ACE), Menza, Mustapha, Peet (Get a donut at A254378) [New sponsorship offers invited], Proff, Olli, R113940, Roasted Amoeba, Sam, SciFiBloke (The Fish) And why do people keep putting really long boring questions at the end of their name that go on and on and, Sporkulious Eglon, ToneDef, TowelMaster, TV's Frink, Tweetie, Typolifi, Vauxhall Nova, Venus In Blue, Venus in Fly-Trap, Vonce, Zelda

The full breakdown of the votes is here

This presentation is copyright of the H2G2 Academy of Film it may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without the written permission of the Academy. The design of the PETA and H2G2 Academy Awards are copyrighted properties of the Academy and may only be used with the express permission of the Academy. Copyright 2000

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