h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Fog swirls around the campus as a ly presence in a trench coat walks out onto the deserted commons. It is a small, green patch between the buildings, bisected by a paved walk that leads past a fountain, down a grassy slope and towards the college library. Looking furtively around, the trench-coated figure sees that campus security isn't in sight. She shifts the heavy weight of the briefcase, which has been handcuffed to her wrist, and goes to lurk in the shadows of the science building, waiting...*

*out of the science building steps Njan, also wearing a trenchcoat. He sidesteps to stand next to ex-rambling, and - eyes continuing to look forward as if nothing were going on, quietly speaks in distinctly foreign accent.. "So, Ex-Rambling, ve meet again..."*

Jumps, startled. "Um, nice trench coat, oh, dark and Mysterious one. So, anyway..."
*Consults notes she has written on the corner of her sheet.*
"Um, the weather in spain is as hot as my Aunt Edna's Donuts. 'yer a better man than I am, Gunga Din.' "
*rattles brief-case chain* "I have the parcel, where is the package, mine Heir?"

*Drops mysterious tone from voice, becomes motherly* "Is he alright? Is the poor thing being fed properly? He needs his flea bath once a week*(in a motherly tone)* and don't forget to give him a big, juice bone and a to play with once in a while..."

*Goes back to mysterious tone, pulling trench coat closed and eyeing the surroundings suspiciously...* "And, did you come alone to the meeting?"
*notices bushes to the left rustling ominously...*

*a tramp is sitting on a bench mumbling to himself. curiously he has a violin case with him*

*eyeing the voilin case*
"What a piece of work is Uncle. Aunt Edna's Muffins are good, too."
Looks around surruptitiously, Adds, "I have the cold, hard cash. How do I know that the Package is still with you?"

Bushes part to reveal Red Dog 6. He eyes Njan, adjusts his trenchcoat
(Accidently revealing a spud gun), and adds "Dad doing o.k.?"

*Njan brushes back his coat to reveal a pair of spudguns, and stands facing Red Dog 6 in a showdown-esque fashion*

*spaghetti western music plays in the background as the two square off. The camera zooms in for a close-up of Njan's face, then Red Dog#6's face.(Eeeeooo!)
Then a close up of Njan's hands, tightening around the grip of the spud guns, then RD#6's hand slowly creeping toward his spud gun, then Njan's eyes, narrowing, then RD#6's blood-shot eyes, then Njan's, then RD#6's...*

*edges away nervously as the music rises to a cresendo! RD#6, with lightening-fast reflexes, whipps out his doublebarrel spud gun and shoots! The potatoes explode from the smoking barrel and...

...go ing past Njan, to slam into the Mysterious figure by the fountain! Oooo! He's Down!!!*

Red Dog#6: "Oops!"

*instantly the tramp is up, and he flips his violin case up and open. from it, he whips out a violin and incongruously begins to play 'the flight of the bumblebee'

*Njan reacts instantly to the music, whipping his hands up to cover his ears, and accidentally shooting off several rounds towards Red Dog #6 at the same time*

*the rounds go spiralling through the air in slow-motion, and Njan stares stock still in horror at the rounds moving ever closer towards Red Dog #6's head. He frowns, walks past the slow-motion rounds, and takes them out of the air*

Odd.

RD#6 drops the spud gun and, sitting on his haunches, begins to howl in accompaniment to the

Ducks, edging away from others, briefcase clutched to her chest.

and instantly, the tramp begins to play the ride of the valkyries...

Looks around, searching the skies for a glint of metal in the distance...

*the sound of helicopters rises in the distance. Or is it just the Oxford traffic?*

*a student walks by, wearing a t-shirt and board shorts, and carrying what seems to be a laptop, which would be kind of odd,because he has the latest Palm handheld on his belt*

*the student notices the battle and sets up his laptop and some speakers, which play the exact opposite of the violin music, neutralizing it*

*the student, who you can now recognize as CV, pulls a spud gun out of his belt and aims at the *

Figured you could use some backup, Njan. By the way, Share and enjoy your Aunt Ida's Donuts!

*out of the shadows pads another Red Dog clone and presses the barrel of a spud gun behind Njans left ear*

Go on punk make my day .... this is a 45 cal with hopper fed King Edwards. It'll make chips outta ya in a trice.

You're an official okie now, huh? Welcome to the USA!

I believe that you're being held prisoner, and that we really have the leverage right now. So if you kill Njan, the rest of the mercenaries will be here in about three seconds to take both you and the . Now hand over the money.

*Another Red Dog clone silently appears out of the shadows and presses something cold and hard into Venoms back*

We just heard that you boys have got the big guy - the original Red Dog - banged up in some SUV somewhere. Now we don't hold with No 1 being taken from us and we need him out pronto. We hear you can fix this unfortunate missunderstanding before the rest of the Red Dogs hear about this. Do I make myself clear ?

*Njan smiles, and turns around to face the red dog clones. He looks up into the shadows above the theatre, where - on the roof much frequented by smokers on dark nights - two tranquiliser darts come whistling out of the blackness, headed - one each - for the thighs of the Red Dog clones*

*They are followed by a militant contact drone sent down by the gsv, which neatly holds its fields at such a position as to prevent anything coming out of the end of the barrels of the armaments held by the clones*