Velveeta Cheese Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

Velveeta Cheese

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Otherwise known as 'cheese in a box', Velveeta cheese is an American phenomenon and joins aerosol cheese1 as the only cheese products that are so incredibly fake it doesn't require refrigeration. Admittedly, the Velveeta box does contain a warning label recommending refrigeration; this process can easily be avoided by consuming the whole loaf in one go.

These loaves come in two sizes, so a careful appraisal of your appetite can help in the selection of the appropriate loaf. Interestingly enough, the large loaf only costs about 20% more, even though it is about three times the size of the small loaf. It has been suggested that the materials used to make the box cost more than the ingredients of Velveeta.

Two of the supreme advantages of Velveeta over more traditional cheese products, is its smooth texture and general viscosity when melted. It's also very easy to measure. The foil wrapper enclosing the cheese loaf is marked with measurement gradations. So a single slice, easily measured off, can provide the required amount. Various theories have been proposed to explain why Velveeta cheese melts smoother than other cheese products - differences in protein structure, oil content, and a Velveeta loaf's inherent desire to please; these are all possibilities.

In celebration of these unique properties, here follows an excellent recipe:

Faux Queso2

  1. Using a sharp knife, lob off a block from your cheese loaf - size to suit.

  2. Chop block into squares (or approximations thereof) somewhere in the vicinity of one inch squared.

  3. Put said squares in a microwave-safe container.

  4. Pour copious amounts of salsa over the squares.

  5. Microwave until warm and gooey, stirring as necessary.

In newer microwaves, it is generally a good idea to use a low power setting - burnt Velveeta doesn't have a pretty smell. A paper towel cover over the bowl is also suggested, as the volatile Velveeta may spew all over your microwave.

Eat your Faux Queso with tortilla chips3. It is strongly recommended that you share this treat with any nearby cats, as they have been observed to become hostile when denied.


1Such as Cheese Whiz.2Er... fake cheese.3We suggest using white corn, triangle-shaped chips, rather than circular ones - and the saltier the better.

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