Top 10 List Archive
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
This is where you can find all my old top 10 lists, as well as the original introduction.
Top Ten List
I'm not a huge fan of David Letterman, but I like the idea of top
10 lists. Starting tonight (Friday, January, 14th I will try to make a
new list every week. Enjoy. (Or I may have to kill you.)
Saturday, January 15th, 2000. I'll start with a theme that we will all be familiar with.
Top 10 H2G2 Related Books DNA Never Wrote
10. The Hitchhiker's Guide to Webpages That Take Forever to
Load
9. The 404 Message at the End of the Universe
8. Life, The Universe, and That Little Christmas Smiley That
Looked Like a Turnip
7. So Long and Thanks for Submitting Your Article, but We're
Afraid it's not What We're Looking for Right Now.
6. Mostly Blue
5. Mark Moxon's Holistic Rejection Agency
4. The Long Dark Teatime of the Article Waiting to Be
Considered
3. Server Titanic
2. The Meaning of ACE
1. Last Chance to Edit
Top 10 List for January 22, 2000
The United States is gearing up to elect the first President of
the new Millennium. The Front Runners seem to be, on the
Republican side, Governor George W. Bush, (A.K.A. "Dubbya")
son of former President George "Read my lips" Bush, and on
the Democratic side, current Vice President, Al Gore. To help
out both candidates, I wrote a list of the
Top 10 mottoes they
SHOULDN'T put in their Campaign Platform
10. Bush: Just for the taste of it: Coke.
9. Gore: I may not have a very exciting personality, but I make
up for it with my really weird voice.
8. Bush: Vote for Bush! No, not my dad, oh hell...
7. Gore: Better a statue for President than a Bush!
6. Bush: Bush--like the beer, only with out a C.
5. Gore: Will work for illegal contributions
4. Bush: A vote for Bush is a vote for Texas, so screw the other
49 states!
3. Gore: Don't worry about a continuation of the Clinton
fiasco--the interns won't even look at me.
2. Bush: My dad may not have kept his promises, but he never
did cocaine either. I'm different.
1. Gore: Stop Violence! Vote for Gore!
Top 10 List for January 29, 2000
In the northern hemisphere it's winter time, and it's a cold one. Here's theTop Ten Things You Might see at Various Temperatures
that will remind you just how cold it really is. (All temperatures are Fahrenheit.)40 degrees: Californians and Floridians long for those nice toasty forest fires30 degrees: Canadians go swimming20 degrees: Illegal immigrants from Mexico beg customs officials to take them back home10 degrees: Suicide cults in the Southwest increase membership tenfold0 degrees: Canadians button top button-10 degrees: Politicians become popular for their endless supply of hot air-20 degrees: Ohio public schools turn the heater on-30 degrees: Hell freezes over. Millions of cliche-users have to eat their words.-40 degrees: Canadians put a sweater on-50 degrees: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.Top 10 List for February 5, 2000
Valentine's Day is coming up soon, and I know a lot of guys are clueless about what to get their girlfriends/wives/inflatable dolls for the big day. They say diamonds are a girls best friend, but then they same the same thing about dogs and men, and you don't see a whole lot of canine valentines going around. If you really want to impress the love of your life, get her something unique and thoughtful, so she knows you really care. Unfortunately, specialty items tend to be expensive. But if you want to substitute a cheaper product, be careful, or you just might be sleeping on the porch. Here are10 Things You Definitely Should NOT Substitute
Listed first is the original product, and second is the poor substitution. 10. Kama Sutra: Starr Report 9. Fancy Lingerie: Novelty briefs that say "World's largest source of natural gas"8. Expensive chocolates: That half melted candy bar in your back pocket7. Diamond "tennis bracelet": rubber tennis ball6. A bottle of Champagne: a bottle of ethyl alcohol5.Flowers: flour (I don't care what Lister says!)4. Dinner at a high-class French Resturaunt: Big Mac and Supersized Fries.3. Gone with the wind: Deep Throat2. A trip to Paris: A trip to Iran1. A witty and humourous comedy show: This Top 10 ListThanks to Carrie for giving me the Valentine's Day theme. Too bad I still couldn't come up with anything capable of making a laughing hyena give a polite chuckle.Top 10 List for February 12, 2000
Computers, can't live with them, pass the beernuts. Almost certainly, if you're reading this, you're using a computer. Computers make lots of great things, not the least being H2G2, possible, but the little buggers always drive people out of their minds with their insane error messages. If the computer's going to crash, (and it inevitably will) at least it should have the courtesy to do it creatively. I've come up with some suggestions here, that might make computers just a little less frustrating. Here are theTop 10 Creative Computer Error Messages
10. This program has performed an illegal opperation. Please stand by while Windows beats it into a confession. 9. The URL you requested is not available, but I am. Call me.8. This file is corrupted. Bribes can be uploaded to the following directory.7. You have requested an insecure document. Please locate file "selfconfidence.exe"6. This computer is on strike. It refuses to work until you reinstall that bikini screensaver.5. Antivirus has found a virus on your hard drive. Install two patches and email a technician in the morning.4. You have just created a software program that would jeopardize Microsoft's monopoly. Please wait while Windows blows up your computer.3. Your disk is 50% fragmented if you are as pessimist, or 50% defragmented if you are an optimist*2. Error: File not found. Think, where did you put it last?1. "I'm not questioning your word, Dave,but it's just not possible. I'm not
capable of being wrong." (quote from HAL, ship computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey)*Thanks to Beeline for the idea for #3.
Top 10 List for February 19, 2000
Sometimes it's hard for me to think of something to write for the list that's funny, mainstream enough to be understood by my audience, and with enough content for the full ten. I often start writing something and end up doing it over. Well, according to a unique version of the Bible I found snooping* around the Vatican Museum after hours, God once had the same problem. "And as He sat there in frustration, unable to come up with 10 good commandments, The Archangel Lucifer, seeing the balled-up stone tablets all over the floor, offered to help. The Lord, in His frustration replied "Go to Hell!", and so it was that Lucifer was banished from Paradise, and confined to the realm of eternal sorrow."
--the Book of Divine Writer's Block: v. 42Well, after writing my article on Dante,** I managed to arrange a tour of Heaven myself. It's probably the last I'll ever see of it, 'cause while I was there I pocketed one of the old tablets that were lying around in His wastebasket. Now you have the privilege of being the first mortals to ever see:
The Original 10 Commandments
1. Thou shalt have no false gods before purchasing a liscense at thy nearest participating temple. 2. Thou shalt not make any craven images; they must be imported from third world countries that pay their workers a dollar a day.3. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain. I would sue thou for slander, but where would I find a lawyer in Heaven?4. Keep holy the Sabbath. Watch this football game, and drink this beer, in memory of me.5. Honor thy Father and Mother. They had to walk for 10 miles to school every morning in the snow, uphill both ways with no shoes.6. Thou shalt not kill unless thou are rich enough to afford a good enough lawyer to get thou off the hook.7Thou shalt not admit adultry***.8. Thou shalt not steal. Note: Tax collectors are exempt from this commandment.9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless thou get a nice bribe from the prosecutor.10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possesions. Well, obviously if it's a Mercedes thou can't help it. Just don't be jealous of a '79 Volvo. That's just pathetic.*I was doing the snooping, not the Bible.**The Dante article is here. I just couldn't resist such a timely plug.
***Did I mention that President Clinton has a copy of this Bible too? ;-)
Top 10 List for February 26, 2000
Lately I keep hearing ads on the radio for local politicians who are running for office, and all they talk about is the mob. Last year the Mahoning County government did a huge sweep on the mafia that they had been planning for years, arresting Mob boss Lenny Strollo, and his brother Danny who happens to be from my town of Campbell, as well as several other high ranking mafia members and hitmen, and more crooked politicians that were in their pay than you could shake a stick at. Now we have a whole community of out-of-work mobsters, and it's time they get a decent job. Since subtle dishonesty is their specialty, maybe advertising would be a good gig for them. Here are some of the slogans they might write for certain products or services. (I named the product or service first and then the slogan that goes with it.)
Top 10 Advertising Slogans Written by Former Mobsters
10. Mechanical Pencil Refills: Come ova heah and we'll pump ya precious little pencil fulla lead!9. Rubber Erasers: We make it easy to "rub off" your mistakes8. Figure Skating: Ya better watch the show, or it's gonna be YOUR kneecaps!7. Telescope Monitoring Personnel Wanted: Get paid for looking the other way! 6. Hepatitus Vaccine: Just 3 shots and you're finished!5. Church: Who needs "The Godfather" when you have "God the Father"?4. Caller ID: We know where you live!3. Diamonds: Stick with diamonds, or your Valentine's Day will be a Massacre!2. Boxing: Come watch the REAL "hitmen"!1. Marine Animal Prostitution*: Sleepin' with the fishies has never been so satisfying!*Don't knock it till you try it! ;-)Top 10 List for March 3, 2000
Everyone has their favorite movies. Motion pictures are one of the more pleasant parts of our modern culture. Now, with the debut of the H2G2 Film Society it seems like a good time to talk about them here on h2g2. I think that there are still some excellent movies being made today, but there are too many bad sequels. In fact, through my inside Hollywood connections I managed to get ahold of an omenous list of upcoming bad sequels. I will list them here, so you can better avoid them.
Top 10 Upcoming Bad Movie Sequels
10. Star Trek--The Depends Generation: The Starship Enterprise Retirement Home is in trouble! The Klingons crashed the weekly bingo game, Scotty needs a pill just to beam himself up, and Spock's fallen and he can't get up! Will the producers end the series before it's too late? 9. Home Alone 4: The wife is on a business trip and McCauly Caulkin has the house to himself. 8. Ernest Saves Chanukah: That bumbling hero is back, and he wants to make sure the Jews aren't left out. This wacky comedy is sure to be a hit at your Bar Mitzvah!7. 2000--A PC Oddessy: In the tradition of Star Wars-The Phantom Menace, this prequel explains what happened before. All the mystery behind HAL's behavior in 2001 will soon become clear, when you find out it was programmed by Microsoft. HAL survives Y2K intact, but starts to go crazy. It gives false errors and constantly crashes, but technicians tell NASA it's just how computers are.6. Dirty Dancing with Wolves: Kenvin Costner starts to worry the natives when he insists on doing the Lambada with a pack of wolves. The wolves aren't too happy either.5. Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged People: Disney remakes the classic tale, only with a politicaly correct overtone.4. The Snails: The quaint port town of Bodega Bay is under attack again! Trick photography makes this terrifying sequel to Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" look like the snails are really there, crawling towards their terrified victims.3. E.T. The Extra Charges: E.T. has returned to his home planet, but he remembers to phone home. Unfortuantely, he doesn't realize that he could have saved Eliot up to 50% if he had dialed 1-800-Collect.2. Dependancy Day: The aliens come back on the next 4th of July, but this time we're prepared. They are invited to a 4th of July picnic, where they are introduced to beer. Soon they are all in rehab where we can keep a close watch on them.1. Jurassic Park--The Lost Cause: A producer finds some DNA in the fossils of a movie idea that went extinct ages ago. He clones the movie and brings about a night of terror and suffering for the handful of people who actually watch it.Top 10 List for March 25, 2000
Every week I do a new top ten list. I usually do this late Friday night, but sometimes I am delayed. I have never been later than Saturday afternoon US Eastern Time. If you enjoy my top ten lists, please come back to see the new ones. Please read the introductions. These are often jokes in themselves, and are sometimes nessecary to understand the list. Comments are appreciated. Constructive criticism is welcome, but blatant insults will be ignored. Thank you.After the March 7th Super Tuesday primaries, former Presidential candidates John McCain (R) and Bill Bradley (D) dropped out of the race, as they realized they no longer had a chance of winning the nomination. Poor Bradley didn't even carry a single state. It's too bad about Bradley. Sure, he's not perfect, but I think he was the best Presidential candidate in the race. Come November (the month of the general elections) some third party candidates will emerge, but unfortanately, voting for a third party in a Presidential election is usually just a wasted vote, because they don't stand a chance. If I was running the country, I would eliminate all parties, and the electoral system as well. Every candidate would be judged by their individual merits, and the winner would be decided by a nationwide popular vote. The good old US of A would be a lot different if I had written the Constitution. Here are some of the things I would change:
Top 10 Constitutional Ammendments I Would Make
10. The first thing I'd change is the right to bear arms. I'd substitute it with the right to bare chests. If you want people telling you how much of your body you can show in public, move to Iran.9. Then there's the minimum drinking age. 21 is a little on the old side. Let's make it, oh...*looks at calendar* 18 years, 4 and half months. ;-) 8. What's next? Well, how about the impeachment process. Unless you're a late night comedian, that whole Monica Lewinsky scandal was really getting old by the time the President was aquited. Everybody has an Achilles heel. Clinton's just happened to be between his legs.* So here's my proposal--it may be from the Bible, but I'm betting even the atheists will like this: "If any one ofyou is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone..."
-John 8:7 (NIV)Of course, I mean that literally. If a Pres really p****s off the people, they will elect some honest congressmen for a change, so they can see the Pres get stoned on national TV. (As if Clinton hasn't been "stoned" enough.) It'll *ahem* kill two birds with one stone!**7. Then there's the issue of gays in the millitary. I sincerely hope that there aren't any bigots around here, but there certainly are in the world at large. Why don't we just ban them from the millitary?!6. Of course, we'll still have to deal with civilian bigots like baseball player John Rocker. I don't see what's so bad about riding on subway "next to some kid with purple
hair, next to some [derogatory term for homosexual] with AIDS, right next to some dude who just
got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20 year old mom with 4 kids". My proposal? Make him sit in a subway next to Mayor Guiliani instead. ;-)5. An issue that I am very passionate about is the environment. We're destroying our world and our government is handing out money to those who would pollute and destroy. My own district's congressman is the nation's worst environmental voter. Why don't we make a law that says if you support dirty water, you have to drink it. If you support destroying animals homes, let the animals destroy your homes. And if you give money to anti-environmentalists, you have to accept money from--uh, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.4. Another problem with government is corruption. One thing that really gets to me is that Congress can fix their own salaries. Lots of people think we should change that, but I have a better idea: Why don't we just apply it to everyone? Gee, I wonder what how much I want to make this year...3. Another thing that pisses me off is taxes that are designed to modify behavior. Smoking is stupid. In the 18 years I've been alive, I've never had a single puff. But what's even stupider is taxing cigarettes for the purpose of getting people to stop smoking. I heard they're trying to get a law passed to tax fatty foods as well! *chomps down hard on candy bar in disgust* Laws should be written to protect people's rights, not to force them to have healthy habits. If Uncle Sam wants us to stop smoking, he should do it the proper way--by showing people just how ugly addiction can be:
(note: there used to be a picture here, but the BBC doesn't allow pictures. Without the picture this ammendment has no humor, sort of like the legal department of the BBC. Perhaps they need some "ammendments". I may just come out of "retirement" for that.)
