Welcome to h2g2's attempt to decipher the mystery that is the song 'The 12 Days of Christmas'. You've come to the page that is concentrating on the line Eight Maids A-milking, and here's what our Researchers came up with when we asked them what on earth this line meant.

• Cows are a sign of wealth in many countries, so this is obviously a sign of the author of the poem showing off his bulging bank balance (and also implicit is the land required to house them). Indeed in the Indian sub-continent cows are holy, and in central Indonesia water buffalo are the best gifts you can give at a funeral. Bet you didn't know that... but we digress. Sorry.

• Picture this. It's the festive season. The sun rises at 0806. You go to bed at 0927. You have the mother, father and first cousin once removed of all hangovers. So try the Cleopatra Hangover Remedy - a nice soothing bath of asses milk. Asses being in short supply, cow's milk will have to do, hence the maids a-milking. Need we say more? Now please don't breathe so loudly...

• We'd like to say that breast-feeding in public shouldn't be such a big deal, and anyone who thinks it's odd should get out more. There. We'll get off our soapbox now. And try to work out which laterally-warped mind managed to get that from 'Eight Maids A-milking'.