h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As a commercial service electrician (no, I won't wire your garage) I spend a lot of time in offices around the city. Usually, there are no trays of snacks laying around, but during the holiday season there is an explosion of pretzel bits, popcorn, toffees, chocolates wrapped in cellophane and foil, etc. The dilemma is that the office regulars would like us service people to leave our grubby mitts off of their a**-widening bounty, but they leave it all out for us to secretly drool over, casting glances at the party trays while pretending to look at our tape measures. What starts out as simple desire becomes a burning obsession, a hunger for goodies not belonging to us, as if we were zoo animals with a "Do Not Feed" placard displayed on our cages.

We must get the food.

Sneaking food from an office environment is a tricky business. Sweets are not simply put out and forgotten; rather, they are put out and monitored, usually by a receptionist with bad teeth and a caustic disposition. How then do you go about getting past this shark and into the M&M's? Here are some ways I've found:

1) Early Start: If you have access to the building before the herd arrives, you have near-perfect conditions for unfettered grazing. I say near-perfect because you must be aware of motion-activated security cameras that can record any activity they see. Have a careful look around before dunking.

2) Drop Cloth Ruse: This can be utilized for nearly any sort of work you have to perform, provided you properly set the stage. Explain to the Goodie Guard that you will need to clear, then cover the table with a protective drop cloth for some job that will invariably create a lot of dust. If told with strong conviction and a heapin' helpin' of pure BS, you may even get the guard to leave the area while you work! Glory!
If there are no cameras, you will soon be in the Garden of Eatin'!

3) Bathroom Break Fast Attack: For this one, you must have the perfect situation of a suddenly unguarded bowl, a need to be passing through the area (to defeat any suspicion) and a hiding place for the grabbable goods. You will also have to do a quantity analysis on the fly, carefully judging the snack level and deciding how much to take without drawing the attention of the Keeper upon his/her return. You must be able to align different shaped items (party mixes with pretzels are a prime example) in your hand quickly and quietly, all the while continuing along on your way. You must also know when to abort the mission, a difficult thing to do when your adrenaline is all pumped up, ready for the act. Don't jeapordize your chances of nabbing a satisfying handful of between-meal bliss by getting caught red-handed palming a hardening chunk of leftover day-old donut. Some snacks just aren't worth the risk.

4) Buy In: OK, it's almost like giving in, I know. But if you go to the dollar store and purchase a bag of no-name Korean made mints and publicly dump them into one of the "common candy" bowls, you then have an "in" which will allow you a little more time to examine the bowl for expensive chocolates. 2 or 3 Godivas and you've recouped your losses!

These examples are but a few of the widely used methods that I've experienced along with my fellow workers. Done properly and frequently, you may be able to forego your lunch break, allowing yourself to go home that much earlier (bonus! bonus!). If you can perfect your technique, you may take it to the next level, a Master Class of fun-size filching, if you will. As President Kennedy once said, "Why do we steal from the candy dish? Because it is there."

Or something like that.

-mightyluv