A Conversation for Toilet Paper

Lavitorian

Post 1

Slug

Toilet paper is one of the great social dividers of our time. Personality types fall into four main groups depending on two significant variables:

- Do you fold the paper or do you scrunch the paper?
- Does your toilet paper hang so that the end comes over the top of the roll or under it?

This leads to the definitive Four Peoples Of The Earth: Overfolders, Overscrunchers, Underfolders and the feeble Underscrunchers.

So where do you fit in? Surely this calls for a referendum.
..


Lavitorian

Post 2

Binky the Doormat

What about the other variable...

Do you put a crocheted dolly over the top of the unused roll that sits on top of the cistern... or not?

This leads to two more categories, sane, normal individuals and bloody fools with nothing better to spend their money on.

Rant over.


Lavitorian

Post 3

Slug

Good point - although furry is far worse than crocheted.

I also didn't include individuals (and often educational institutions) who buy toilet paper in the tissue-dispenser style (each piece being roughly the size of not quite your arse). Although if I did, there would have to be an additional category: Overfolders, Overscrunchers, Underfolders, Underscrunchers, and Smeared Up Your Back.

Yuck.


Lavitorian

Post 4

dodgygeezer

Personally I dislike toilet roll holders just as much as toilet roll covers. Maybe that puts me in the funny farm, but I just don't see the point of them when there's a perfectly good cistern lid to be used.


Lavitorian

Post 5

Binky the Doormat

Aha! But if you put it on the cistern lid, and reach behind you contemplatively once the necessary maneuvers have been completed, then there's always the danger it's going to fall off and unroll all over the floor, or even worse end up in the sink...


Lavitorian

Post 6

Evil Jack McDeath

I feel that humans have a lot to learn from dogs, who incorporate the tedious task of bottom wiping with the entertaining pastime of sliding downhill. Unfortunately however, you (as a human) would be frowned upon quite severely if you emerged from the lavatory and slid down the banisters with your pants around your ankles.


Lavitorian

Post 7

dodgygeezer

The idea of exiting the toilet in a sort of toboggan run is certainly exciting. I wonder do it to make their bums smell more intresting to other dogs. Hmm...maybe I shouldn't ponder that one too long.


Lavitorian

Post 8

Evil Jack McDeath

A toilet crosed with a toboggan run? Would that be a looge?

There are of course many humans on this planet who do not wipe their bottoms with paper at all, but use water and/or a variety of other far more hygenic methods.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the scientific breakthrough that removes the whole need for toilet paper by allowing waste products to be teleported directly from rectum to chosen recepticle (lavatory, hole in the ground, neighbour's flower bed, etc) without leaving any unpleasant and difficult-to-budge residue on your person.

Similarly hirsutely buttocked readers will fully understand this. Those readers with baby smooth derrieres - next time you go past a farm, take a look at the back end of a sheep.


Lavitorian

Post 9

Slug

Hmm. I like your faecal teleport idea; although to follow it to it's inevitably ridiculous conclusion, there would no longer be any need for an anus at all, would there? If not, it would be sensible just to sew the thing up at birth and be done with it.

Ruin a lot of good jokes though.


Lavitorian

Post 10

Slug

Whoops - sorry about the incorrect apostrophe in the "it's". I know how it works; I just don't care.


Lavitorian

Post 11

dodgygeezer

I prefer the former because it reminds of the joke about the Irish team at the winter olympics, but anyway....

Sounds like you want a colostomy bag and then your "number twos" need never touch your bum. Apparently Cliff Richard swears by it.


Lavitorian

Post 12

Technoyokel (muse of poetry)

I work in fields, so if I s**t at work I don't need to teleport it for it to end up as manure, it also solves the problem of toilet roll holders, tho the scrunching or folding is the same. You can't really CLEAN your bum by sliding down the hills in the fields I'm in though, you'd just exchange your s**t for sheeps.(or is that sheep's or sheeps'?)


Lavitorian

Post 13

Slug

Ha ha. Let's all make fun at the expense of the grammatically-challenged.

In regard to the "sliding along the grass" cleaning method popular with dogs and other dogs, you might run into problems if everyone decided to do it; there probably usn't enough fresh sloping grass near enough for every person every time. There might be enough flat grass though - so I suppose some sort of rope-tow system is on order?


Lavitorian

Post 14

Evil Jill McDeath

Going back to the scrunching and folding debate, there has, in fact, been scientific research done on this subject. Do not ask me how I know this, but let it be known that I did not actually do this research. It would appear that there is a national preference. Those of us in Europe prefer to fold while those of you in the U.S. prefer to scrunch. Before all you European scrunchers or U.S. folders write in always remember that the exception proves the rule.

But should you happen to be marketing toilet paper in Europe and the U.S. this is a very valid point.


Lavitorian

Post 15

Bruce

Some researchers just have way too much time on their hands smiley - winkeye

;^)#


Lavitorian

Post 16

Slug

That sort of comment would only come from an underscruncher...


Lavitorian

Post 17

Bruce

Wrong - overfolder smiley - winkeye


;^)#


Lavitorian

Post 18

Slug

My mistake - and I offer my most sincere apologies to all my overfolding brethren.

Overfolding is by far the superior method. If the toilet roll hangs under then it is difficult to reach, and also you tend to rip off more than you need. If you scrunch, there is a greater possibility that a finger or two might come in contact with "ground zero" as it were. These are impotant issues.


Lavitorian

Post 19

Bruce

Or, indeed - important tissues.


;^)#


Lavitorian

Post 20

Stan

But what you fail to take into consideration is that grassy slopes are not the only method used by dogs and mammals in general with the exception of the human. For all other mammalian species, it is customary to clean one's self with the tongue. I think I'd be more than happy to deal with furry covers and doilies to avoid that task.
This may be why other mammals find each other's derrieres more pleasant to the smell than we do. With the exception of some who make a career of kissing other people's buttoxes.


Key: Complain about this post