Bull**** Bulletin

Dear friends,

As many of you will no doubt be aware, no-one is a more fervent champion than I when it comes to encouraging bright young talent and getting brilliant new fiction of all kinds out into the open where everyone can enjoy it.

So you can imagine how I felt when my good friend young HBP, or whatever his name is, insisted that I write an introduction to the tale which you are about to - I feel certain of this - read. To say that I'd never read anything quite like this before would be true. This is truly an oasis in the desert of great writing.

Once in every generation, a great new hope for storytelling comes along, someone who reinvigorates the old legends, and re-energises narrative traditions that look moribund. Such a talent is truly unmistakable. And while we're waiting for such a person to show up, we may as well read what HPB's got for us.

yours insincerely,

Awix

PS. Okay, I wrote you your introduction, can I have those negatives back please?

Scores of costume-clad superheroes filled the gaps between skyscrapers, flying their ways to work. It was the usual Monday morning rush. Nothing was out of place. New Metropolotham was a city filled almost entirely with spandex-suited crimefighters. There was the mayor, his daughter, a police force, old ladies, reporters and a little boy called Billy, none of whom wore their underwear outside their clothes (well, one of the old ladies did, but age can have that effect), but these were just token residents.

Up in the sky amongst the non-birds and planes soared the teenaged form of Averageboy. He didn't know it yet, but his life was going to change forever. His ability was that he was the most average superhero in town. He flew at average speed and had average strength. He was only averagely extraordinary.

A small series of metallic clinks from down in the street below echoed in Averageboy's ear. Eyes shot toward the sound. It was a small collection of coins, scattered on the pavement.

'That must be money dropped belonging to an old lady!' Averageboy bellowed, his fore-finger raised high in emphasis, but he was drowned out as almost half the others in the sky around him had cried the same phrase simultaneously.

'I must return it to her with no thought of personal gain!' Averageboy and the others shouted in unison. A flurry of different coloured streaks raced downwards toward the street. In his haste, Averageboy didn't notice the oncoming truck holding radioactive waste heading straight for him. The vehicle hit Averageboy hard and knocked him through the side of an office block, with a rather pleasing crash-boom-clatter sound effect. Rather surprisingly for this sort of incident, the waste remained safely in the truck.

Averageboy opened his eyes to a hospital ward.
'*UGH* - What happened??' he groaned.

'Uberman accidently shattered all of your bones when he was carrying a radioactive truck to a disposal site!' said a female nurse, her head supporting a series of star-like green crosses. 'We grafted all your bones back together but - I'm sorry -'

'Why are you sorry??'asked Averageboy. His attempt to sit up was impaired by his entire body being in a cast.

'You've -' said the nurse solemnly. 'You've broken your abilities. I'm afraid you may never fly again -'

'I'm sorry, son.'

Averageboy turned to see who'd spoken. 'Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly?!'

His grandfather was sitting opposite in an armchair in his everyday cape and mask. 'Uberman came by the window when you were sleeping to say he hadn't meant for this to happen, then left!' Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly said.

'Oh -' replied Averageboy.

After a fourteen month rehabilitation process, young Averageboy felt little difference. He could hover across the skies at a speed slightly greater than that of the average lawnmower, but ever since the accident, he had noticed changes that made him special - different to all the other, normal, superheroes.

He discovered that his costume was bigger: his muscles had shrunk. Much practice had left him with almost no agility, an inability to declaim every word he spoke, a tendency not to narrate his every action, and the strange power of being able to walk to places at a reasonable speed while looking around and enjoying the day.

Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly and Aunt Supporting-character put Averageboy's strange behaviour, which kept him in his room a lot, down to growth, a popular euphemism in their family. As a result, they would always knock on the door before using their X-ray vision.

Little did any of them know that the city's least impressive superhero would soon be going into what, in his case, passed for action...

HPB

09.10.03 Front Page

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