An African Adventure - Anyone for Dennis Part 5

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This is the first time that the Knolly Estate has allowed the great man's memoirs to be published. What follows is the thirty fourth chapter of 'The African Adventure'.

Anyone for Dennis Part 5

Bertie was, of course, in fine fettle, apart from a few bumps and bruises. He was more concerned with his ocular apparatus than anything else. Elspeth dashed over to him, dusted him off, took his pulse, hugged him and generally cooed and clucked over him like a mother hen. I must confess that in spite of my friend's misfortune I felt myself becoming jealous of the attention that she was bestowing upon Bertie. The green-eyed monster reared its ugly head and welled up inside of me to the point where I just had to explode.

'So... what did you pack, then?' I asked, attempting to break the connection between Elspeth and Bertie.

They looked at me, both somewhat shocked at my outburst. As soon as I had spoken, I also realised that my tone was harsh and the volume too loud.

'Well, Knolly,' Bertie piped up as he nodded a silent 'thank you' to Elspeth and pulled himself together, 'I expect that you are thinking that since I have been left to my own devices, that everything we brought with us would be put into numerous valises, cases and bags in no order whatsoever, and that I would include the balloon … hmmm?'

I looked at the ground and kicked at a few small stones as I replied 'No... not at all' in a voice that still carried undertones of distinct dis-chuffedness.

Elspeth looked at me once more in a way that said she still did not care for my manners. Bertie seemed neither to notice nor to care and continued unabashed.

'Well, if you'd care to follow me you'll see that I have packed only the essentials. I'm sure we can procure whatever we need in Cape Town, that Elspeth can store some of our kit here and the stuff that we don't need can be shipped back to Blighty. Howzat?'

He sounded very pleased with himself and waited expectantly for a 'bravo' of sorts from me. His wait was in vain.

'Let us see the minimalist results of this effort, then...' I harrumphed.

Elspeth frowned quizzically at my demeanour; she looked over toward Bertie, who just rolled his eyes.

In an uncomfortable silence, we followed Bertie round to the servants' quarters. During the walk I had taken care to look closely at any vegetation that might conceal a man,such was my twitchiness since the da Silva episode. Soon we found Freddie, our Xhosa driver, loading up one of the regimental wagons.

'I took the liberty of seeking out Freddie, seeing as how we'd got on so well during our earlier trek. I hope that is all right by you, Mrs DeVries?' said Bertie as he performed a mock bow to our hostess.

Elspeth curtsied and replied with a grin, 'Perfectly fine, Mr Harrison-Harrison!'

Sensing that their play acting was directed as a rebuke to my bad mood, I just shook my head and hopped on to Freddie's wagon. There I saw that Bertie had packed a large trunk, two packs and two suitcases. As I surveyed these 'necessities', Freddie was struggling with a very large hamper. I pointed at this.

'Lunch for two?' I asked.

'I'm afraid so. Mrs T was very persuasive about the lack of a decent restaurant car. She said that the last time she travelled on the railway, their restaurant car had become detached at some point. No food! Some time later, the train hit a group of rhinoceros that had been sleeping on the tracks. The staff quickly butchered them before any scavengers arrived, the driver and engineer cooked up the meat on the furnace and every passenger was treated to a fine dish of seared ungulate! Rather fortunate, eh?'

'For some, but not for the rhinoceros,' I said.

'Hmmmm. See what you mean. By the way, did you know that a group of rhinoceros is called a "crash"?'

I told Bertie politely that I was not aware of this fact and that I didn't particularly care, either. I also politely asked him to explain the volume of baggage that was currently occupying Freddie's wagon.

'Ah! The trunk is mostly my stuff,' he said as he tapped a conspiratorial finger to his nose. 'The others are clearly labelled and I haven't bothered with too many changes of clothes. I don't think that we will be gone that long.'

In hindsight, I realised that foresight is a wonderful thing — if only I possessed it. I really should have checked what he had packed in the cases, but time was pressing and we had a train to catch.

'Well, it seems you two are almost ready. Now I must go and get changed into something more suitable for riding,' said Elspeth.

Bertie looked at me, awaiting a response.

'WAIT UNTIL SHE'S GONE,' I blinked. He nodded.

Elspeth said, 'Well, I see you two have things to discuss, so I will see you out in the courtyard in fifteen minutes or so.' Off she went in a swish of skirts towards the front of the house. After a few steps, she stopped and called over her shoulder, 'Why do you two stare at each other so? Hmph! Men! I shall never understand them.' Off she went again.

Bertie waited until she was out of earshot and spoke first. 'Well, I must say, Knolly! That was a bit strong about the packing. I mean, how many times have we taken too much or packed totally the wrong stuff... and you didn't even ask if I was all right after my tumble!'

'Which would you like me to answer first? Let us discuss packing, shall we? I seem to recall an excursion not too recently when you packed a cat in a box and forgot to feed it. Oh yes, and then there was the time when the spare ammo you kitted us out with was the wrong calibre. And what about the missing dog food for the huskies? Shall I go on?'

'Oh pooh, Knolly! They are all easy mistakes that anyone could make. Anyway, no one got hurt. Well, no one except that cat. It made someone happy, anyway. I was round at Rudolf Schrödinger's a few months back and told that particular story to the family. His little boy Erwin laughed and laughed and said that he would like to write a story about it one day. Lovely, eh?'

'Quite. And on the subject of your welfare, I know full well that it takes more than a fall down some steps to injure you. Of course I was concerned... it's just that I have other things on my mind on the moment.'

'Other things, eh? I would have thought that there was only one specific object playing on that brilliant mind of yours at the moment, eh? Eh?' he said with a wink and a grin and an elbow in my ribs. I had to smile. 'And talking of which... what happened when you two went to see Monty?' asked Bertie as he began rummaging around on the floor of the wagon, peering at some insect through his strange spectacles.

'What... oh... right... yes. Monty now knows as much as he needs to, but is playing the dutiful soldier. Elspeth has played the Commander-in-Chief card and has countermanded any orders that Nix issued on behalf of Rhodes and Jameson. She will also be escorting us to Bloemfontein.'

'And then what? What about you and Elspeth? And why are you staring at that bush?'

'I BELIEVE OUR PORTUGUESE FRIEND IS ABROAD AND MAKING NOTES,' I blinked.

'TULARI!' he replied.

'BERTIE, LET HIM LISTEN. WITH LUCK HE WILL FOLLOW US TO CAPE TOWN.'

'WHAT!'

'I WANT HIM AWAY FROM HERE! In answer to your question, Elspeth knows we won't be away for long. As you pointed out, we have only packed for a few days, although the big trunk is a mystery to me. It's as though it's big enough to hide someone in, isn't it?'

'Knolly, don't be a silly ass! It's all equipment that Hobbes sent with us. I thought we might take it in case any further subterfuge is required in Cape Town.'

I was still unconvinced and decided to call his bluff. 'You won't mind if I open it, then?' I asked.

'Ermmmm. No... not at all,' he stammered. He backed away from me and out of striking distance. I flicked the catches and the lid fair flew open as a young woman shot up, gasping for air.

'Phew! Hello, Mr Harrison-Harrison! Are we there yet? Oh, hello, Mr Knolly, sir!'

'Um... you remember Gladys, Knolly? I thought that... well... you know... um... if Mrs DeVries was coming with us she'd need a maid.'

I turned to face him. 'So you packed one?' I asked.

Bertie brightened at this as he sensed a way out. 'Yes, indeed! Good idea, what?'

My glare quickly indicated to Bertie that his way out had quickly become a cul-de-sac. Freddie was sitting behind us on the driving seat and was taking this all in as if the sight of young ladies exploding from items of gentrified luggage was an everyday occurrence.

Gladys was still standing in the trunk hand on hips. 'Well? Is anyone going to help me out of this trunk?'

'Yes, sorry! Here. Take my arm,' I said. 'I am most terribly sorry, but Mrs DeVries will not be accompanying us to Cape Town. Rather, she will be on exercises with her troops. Your services will not be required this time.'

She looked across to Bertie as if to question this. Bertie just shrugged. This small mannerism conveyed apology, embarrassment and disappointment all at once. 'Sorry, Gladys. Still, at least you won't be spending any longer in that trunk, eh?'

'No, sir. I'll be off then. No, no,' she said as I tried to help her out of the cart. 'I can get myself down, thank you.'

As Gladys left, I asked, 'Bertie, what were you thinking? In fact, were you thinking at all?'

'Being prepared!' he said, puffing out his chest.

'Right enough. So, I assume that there is nothing else in this trunk? No other dollymops? No other fillies-in-waiting?'

Bertie shook his head. 'No. Everything we need is the cases and the packs. You, er, you won't tell anyone will you?'

'What... about shoving a maid in box for possibly two days? Good heavens, no. Your secret is safe with me. Er... are you going to take the headgear off now?' I think that Bertie had become accustomed to his strange goggles and had quite forgotten that he was still wearing them.

Freddie cracked his whip and the oxen began their slow plod round to the front of the house. There, amongst the hubbub, brouhaha, hurly-burly and hullabaloo that accompanies an assembling of a military body, we took our place in the assembling column with the other wagons. Away to our left, Mrs Twistleton looked most unhappy at the mess being made by the gathering beasts of burden.

Elspeth was reined in alongside Monty and Jones. She trotted towards us once we'd taken our place in the line. Dressed like a man in her uniform as Commander-in-Chief, she still looked every inch a woman. More than that, the woman I wanted to be with. She smiled at the pair of as we perched up on the driving seat.

'We'll be staying with you as far as the railway line and then you can follow it into town,' she said.

'You'll not be riding with us, then?' I asked hopefully.

She looked around at her assembled troops and then back to me. 'I'm afraid not, Knolly. It would not look good in front of the men now, would it?' She had a point.

'I suppose not. Luncheon, then?'

'Perhaps,' she responded in a cool and business-like manner. She then waved to the head of the column and called, 'Captain Le Boeuf! Lead off if you please!' A bugle sounded and she trotted off towards the head of the column without a backward glance. It was then that I began to wonder if I would I see her again. Bertie was decent enough to leave me with my thoughts and kept quiet.

After just a short delay, it was our turn to move. Freddie called 'Yah!' and our cart lurched forward. Once more, we were off to catch a train.

'Good! Glad to be moving,' said Bertie as he handed me a small flask of something alcoholic. I gratefully accepted, raised it to him in salute and took a nip.

'At least the leisurely pace will allow us to clear our heads and admire the scenery,' I said.

'Indeed,' replied Bertie. 'As my Great-Aunt Matilda always used to say: There's only so long that you can stare at an ox's arse.'

How could I not agree?

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