h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My favorite beach is somewhere between Port Antonio and Montego Bay Jamaica, on the North Coast where Erol Flynn and my grandfather explored but where most tourists don't go today. There are several out-of-the-way inns, and the roads are bad enough to keep them that way. A very-badly-potholed road runs close to the beach in front of one of these down-at-the-heal inns, or it did when last I was there, and on the ocean side of the narrow road is a homemade wooden sign which reads "Kokomo". I used to try to convince myself and others this was the place immortalized in the song but now I am content to think there might be hundreds of places like this since the song came out. They serve rum punch, Red Stripe, Dragon Stout, Gueniuss, (Never could spell that stuff, prefer to just drink it down). And you can always listen to some Jimmy Buffet or some Bob Marley (he died too soon). All ya gotta do to endear yourself to the bartender is, every time a bob marley song comes on, which is about once every three songs, shake your head, look at your drink and say "Bob Marley, he died too soon." They will tink you a native, mon. Nex ting you know you be sayings tings like "I and I" instead of "we" or "us" and "Ja" instead of "God".
After a couple red stripes or one gueniss and one red stripe, you might try the local version of a hamburger. . . Jamaican hamburgers are not quite as flat as in America. They are more of a cross between a meat patty and a meatball. Very hard to keep on the bun. Buns are usually a bit dried out and they crumble, but all that is not important, mon. They put Jamaican catsup on it if you want - it says
Grace on the label because that is the wholesale food company that provides almost everything there. It has some cinnomon in it I tink. Very good. Then you can go up to the big house and have some Conch soup, or the soup of the day (The soup of the day is pepper-pot soup) or you can try pumpkin soup. Jamaican Pumpkin is more like a gourd, but pumpkin soup is always very good, especially in the spring time at 10 am when it rains a little bit every day.
While it is raining if you go to the big house or anywhere at all on the island you can have a Jamaican breakfast of Ackie and Saltfish. Saltfish is not a type of fish, its just whatever someone caught that day and it is salted because that is easier than canning or freezing. Ackie is like scrambled eggs that grows on a tree - it is really good with salt fish and strong coffee with sweetened cream and marmalade. Some Jamaicans drink white rum with milk with their breakfast but I don't reccomend it. Some Jamaicans babble at car bumpers and are called MadMan because they drink too much white rum with or without milk - I never drink before 5 pm except when I'm on vacation. I was working when I was in Jamaica but I'll be on vacation next time I go there and I'll have a bloody mary every morning at 10 am and start drinking rum punch for lunch and red stripe at 4:59 and my very first stop will be at Kokomo - or maybe a place called Kansas City, which is just a few miles north of Kingston - they have the best fried chicken in the world. . . ahhhhh, tis pleasant to dream of the place. . .
ahhhhhhhhhh, Kokomo, I can't wait to go back there. . . .
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