How to Turn a Snack into a Meal

For your eating pleasure, presented here are some simple instructions on how to garner the most enjoyment out of your Pot Noodle snack - the food of kings, students and idle slackers alike - and, if money is tight, how to get that 'big-meal-feeling-of-fatness' out of one lowly pot.

However, this entry is not all-encompassing: this is only for the connoisseur of the green Pot Noodle (chicken and mushroom).

The following equipment is mandatory:

• The Snack of the Gods itself
• The relevant fork¹
• A small plate
• Three pieces of soft, malleable white bread
• A kettle of water
• A bottle of dark (original) soy sauce
• A knob of butter (perhaps 'chunk' is a better measure)
• A comfy chair
• A beverage of some sort, preferably cold

Step One - Foreplay

Remove the foil lid from your snack. In a single deft move, extricate the sachet of soy sauce, suck all the powder off of it (carefully - the edges can be pointy), and place in the nearest bin. Then, take your bottle of dark soy sauce (it must be dark - light is too salty) and apply liberally. A half-bottle can never be considered too much, but should be thought of as 'an occasional treat'. Then, using your fork, place your chunk of butter atop the dry mixture. Have faith; this tastes better than it initially sounds.

Step Two - Hubble, Bubble, Kettle Trouble

Bring the kettle of water to a boil, pacing about impatiently while waiting for it to be ready.

Step Three - Chemistry in Action

Add the boiling water to the pot. Make sure you pour slowly over the butter so that you can watch it suffuse into the noodles. You should be salivating about now. Do not fill to the fill level as indicated on the pot! This is vital. Fill to the top of the noodles, and just a smidgeon over. Otherwise, you may end up with a soupy broth, which is not good. When the pouring is finished, grab the fork and dig deep into the mass of food. Stir the contents so that everything gets saturated, especially the stuff at the bottom. If you don't get that stuff wet, it will remain powdery and nasty throughout your snacking.

Step Four - Leave It!

Resist temptation for a good five minutes. Stir, then leave again for a good five minutes. If you are impatient, amuse yourself with the sound the noodles make when you stir them.

Step Five - Not There Yet

Now, retire to your comfy chair with the snack, the drink, the bread and something good on TV. Take a piece of bread and squish it into as tight a ball as you can manage. Apply this yeasty bolus to the fork, and, when ready, plunge it into the Pot Noodle. Rummage around heartily and make sure that when the bread surfaces it has an extensive collection of noodles and assorted ingredients on it. This is the tricky bit, but it should make your Pot Noodle last up to three times longer than usual, and leave you feeling fuller and happier than ever before.

Step Six - Can't Talk, Eating

That's it. You have now eaten what can be considered the perfect Pot Noodle. You will also have learned that real dark soy sauce is marvellous and can be a practical alternative to any other form of sauce in any meal. Apply liberally wherever you go! You now know as well that the 'Fill Level' is never to be trusted, and that butter helps 'stodge out' the snack in a marvellous, artery-hardening way. Enjoy!