h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

THE KITCHEN FLOOR


MOPPING THE FLOOR,
IS GOOD FOR YOUR SOUL,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TRY,
TO GET IT
CLEAN

SO YOU HAVE TO MOP IT,
MORE THAN ONCE,
IF YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW,
WOT I MEAN

ONCE WITH DETERGENT AND HOT WATER,
ONCE WITH HOT WATER CLEAN,
ONCE AGAIN, WITH WATER AND BLEACH,
IF ALL THOSE TINY LITTLE SINS OF VANITY,
YOU TRULY WANT TO REACH

WHEN THE FLOOR IS CLEAN
YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER,
AND TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY,
YOU WILL HAVE TO MOP THE FLOOR AGAIN,
'COS IT GETS DIRTY

ANYWAY




THE CHEF AND THE COMMIS

THE CHEF AND THE COMMIS,
SAT ON STOOLS FOR A CUP OF TEA,
I DO ALL THE TALKING IN THE KITCHEN SAID THE CHEF,
AND YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME

AN ARMY MARCHES ON ITS' STOMACH,
HUNGRY SOLDIERS CRAWL,
THE CHEF COOKS GHOULHASH IN BULLS' BLOOD,
AND SERVES IT UP
TO ONE AND ALL

THE CHEF LIKES HERBS
AND SPICES TOO,
IN THE GRUB HE COOKS,
FOR THE CAPTAIN AND THE CREW,
AND THE CHEF FINDS PLENTY,
FOR THE COMMIS TO DO,
BETWEEN STIRRING POTS OF PORAGE,
AND PEELING SPUDS FOR THE STEW

THE CHEF SHOWS HOW,
THE CHEF COOKS CHOW,
THE COMMIS LOOKS AND LEARNS,
THE CHEF NEVER BURNS THE CUSTARD,
THE CUSTARD NEVER BURNS

WHEN THE CHEF SHOWS HOW,
THE CHEF COOKS CHOW,
THEN THE CHEF WILL WANT A
SPOON,
SO THE COMMIS GETS IT NOW,
WHEN THE CHEF IS STARTING CHOW,
HAVING LEARNED THE WISDOM
OF THE OLD BROWN COW,
THAT ENDED UP IN THE GHOULHASH,
FOR BEING DEAF TO THE CHEF

FOR BEING DEAF TO THE CHEF
AND NOT GETTING IT,
NOW

ALL WE DO,
WE DO MY WAY,
AND OUT OF MY WAY,
YOU STAY
ALL DAY

THE CHEF SHOWS HOW,
THE CHEF COOKS CHOW,
THAT IS AS MUCH AS YOU NEED
TO KNOW FOR NOW



WHO IS DELIA SMITH,
THE COMMIS CHEF SAID,
AS THE CHEF BEGAN TO SLICE
A LOAF OF WARM CRUSTY BREAD

GET ME THE BUTTER,
AND THE LARD,
AND I WILL PUT YOU TO
THE BLINDFOLD TEST,
SAID THE CHEF,
TO THE TALKATIVE COMMIS IN THE KITCHEN,
THE GAME WE PLAY,
IS
DELIA KNOWS BEST

DELIA SMITH,
IS A TELEVISION COOK,
WHO WROTE HERSELF,
A COOKERY BOOK,
NOW SHE FEEDS A FOOTBALL CLUB,
AND SERVES THEM UP,
WITH
A1
GRUB

DELIA KNOWS HER BUTTER,
FROM HER LARD,
WARM AND SOFT, OR COLD AND HARD

I LOVE BREAD AND BUTTER,
I LOVE BREAD AND LARD,
BREAD AND DRIPPING WE CALLS IT,
WHEN TIMES ARE LEAN AND HARD

WITH THE BLINDFOLD WRAPPED
AROUND THE COMMIS' HEAD,
THE CHEF GAVE THE COMMIS,
A SLICE OF WARM CRUSTY BREAD

BUT THE BUTTER, SAID THE CHEF,
IS CHEWY AND HARD,
AS THE COMMIS BEGAN TO CHEW,
HIS BREAD AND LARD

BUTTER, WHEN COLD AND HARD,
IS AS SLIPPERY AND CHEWY AS LARD,
AND THE PROOF OF THE PUDDING,
IS IN DELIAS' TEST,
SO NOD YOUR HEAD,
THE CHEF TO THE SILENT COMMIS SAID,
IF YOU THINK
BUTTER IS BEST

ON ITS' PLATES OF MEAT,
AN ARMY STANDS,
EMPTY PLATES IN EMPTY HANDS

WOT THAT MEANS,
AS EVERY SOLDIER KNOWS,
IS THAT WE ARE DOWN TO BEANS,
AND
UP

ON OUR TOES