Southern California has a tremendous number of pizza parlours of varying quality and price. The glaring problem of people wanting pizza from these establishments but not having the will nor desire to leave one's home has been overcome around the world with the concept of pizza delivery. In Southern California, however, this seemingly fantastic idea has a snag, namely the method in which it gets from pizza parlour to one's home - the pizza delivery car.

In the United Kingdom pizzas are delivered by psychotic youths on low-powered yet highly-manoeuvrable mopeds. They can be identified by a large box-like structure on the back, which carries the pizza boxes and keeps them warm. They are also often bright blue.

In Southern California, however, pizzas are delivered by psychotic youths in their own bashed-up and poorly-maintained cars with a glowing logo of the respective pizza parlour stuck onto the roof; the kind of prism-shaped things you see on top of yellow New York taxis. In fact, such bizarre pizza-delivering practices have been reported across the USA.

If you ever see one of these vehicles on the wide, long and busy roads of Southern California beware. They will cut you up, they will hassle you by driving behind you very close (known as 'tailing'), they will travel at speeds even the most skilful Formula One driver would baulk at. Traffic lights and road signs are merely suggestions. Also, they seem to not to care as much as other people do about the condition of their conveyance at the end of the day - a scratch or a dent would probably go unnoticed. The reason behind their erratic behaviour is that the faster they go the more they get paid.

Escaping the Nightmare

But how does one avoid such mysterious perils? For the inexperienced, this is an important question and there are numerous tactics available to the unassuming driver, all of which depend on the vector of the incoming pizza delivery car...

'The Enemy is in Front of Me'

This is by far the most preferable situation to be in. If you see the dreaded glow of the roof sign ahead, just slowly ease back on the accelerator pedal and let it zoom off into the night.

'The Enemy is Coming from the Side!'

This situation usually happens at junctions and although scary, can be resolved by pretending to be very polite indeed with the sole motivation not being altruism at all, but saving one's own bacon. At a stop sign, give way to the pizza delivery car and the enemy will drive on without hesitation and then be in front of you: a very good thing. If this happens at traffic lights you have no option but to go on driving, just keep a mental note that you might have to deal with the worst situation imaginable:

'The Enemy is Behind Me!!'

This is the least desirable situation by far. Expect to be ruthlessly 'tailed'. Look at the speed limit signs, take the number and double it. That is the approximate speed the pizza delivery car is aiming for. You, however, do not want to go this speed because you, unlike the enemy, have a sense of your own mortality. Indicate to pull over to the side of the road well before you intend to, and then execute the manoeuvre carefully but quickly so as not to agitate the already precarious situation. Hopefully the enemy will be in front of you from then on. Take a few deep breaths and carry on your way. If you find yourself on a two or more lane highway, then that's not so bad. You can still obey the speed limits and hope the pizza delivery car will overtake you without tailing too much. Just pray to whatever god you believe in and hope the enemy looks up from his stereo/map/comic book in enough time to avoid you.

In summary: if you ever come across such a car travelling on the roads of Southern California, stay well clear.