Fruitbat (Eric the)

As a Brit living in Vancouver, Canada, I feel entitled to exert my influence over the massive population that is greater London. I can do this through the inter-active power that is h2g2 and because I have a 1st generation Mac G3 and so am unaffected by either Y2K(unless the power goes out) or by cantankerous software.

Anyone running for public office is, by definition, insane. However, since the rest of the world is equally mad, and double-negatives make a positive, the politician is the sane one. Anyone intentionally running for office is also utterly unfit for office and therefore most deserving of election (Douglas explained this one better than I did; check the radio-script for HitchHiker's Guide for details).

My platform is:

1. A return of complexity to the printed page: big words and longer sentences that require a University reading level for comprehension.

2. Considered thought and typing skills will be expected on every electronic document.

3. Wiring of every home with fibre-optical cable. If we wait for this to become financially feasable, the business-losses will be horrendous. This project will be funded by the revenues from idiotic, and inexplicably popular, entertainments (The Phantom Menace and Austin Powers leap to mind).

Additional:

In Vancouver, most politics is considered comedy, and since politicians must be media-savvy, they're better served with credentials from R.A.D.A. than any legal/economics background. Therefore, every politician shall have their own tv show: if they can survive a season with high ratings, they'll easily handle a general election.

I'm doing R.A.D.A. by correspondence.

That's all for now. A round of grog for everyone.

Fruitbat

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Just zis Guy You Know

Yes, in the grand tradition of shameless vote-grubbing which is British politics, I bring you: the promise of Free Tea! For everyone!! For ever!!!

I can't compete with Archer (after all, who wouldn't vote for him after he promised to give up writing if elected), but I can do my bit.

Manifesto:

1. More money for the tube, to be raised by a levy on checked trousers and baseball caps in and around the Tower of London

2. Lyons corner-houses to be reinstated

3. Jeffrey Archer to be banned from the city limits

4. Death penalty to be reintroduced for bad fake Cockney accents

5. Three new maternity hospitals to be built within the sound of Bow Bells, to increase the supply of genuine cockneys,

6. Heathrow Airport to be extended to cover all of Hounslow

With these simple acts London will become great again.

*IMPORTANT NOTE*

If the above is insufficient to persuade you to vote for me, I am prepared - in extremis - to consider buying your vote. Please write your name on a brown envelope and post it as a Reply, along with the amount you require to secure your loyalty.

NEW POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT!

I pledge that all London public lavatories will be maintained at a high standard, to end the misery of people with crossed legs looking for a cafe with a decent loo when they need a dump.

This policy will be officially know as 'the Turd Way.'

Unlike the Third Way, this will be readily definable and achievement will be simple to measure

The most important thing in politics is integrity.

Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

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ANT

Ermm! This candidate hasn't actually published his resume yet! He seems to have a lot of support however,so has been allowed to stand!

I guess that he is just standing for the silent majority.

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