HELLO my faithful 'In Other Words' readers! All three of you! It is time once again for ol' DZ to dust off the proverbial pen to bring you everybody's favorite crap column! Why have I had such a delay, you ask? Why, because I had to graduate from HIGH SCHOOL of course!

Yes, graduation. A time when one reflects back on the last thirteen years of secondary education, pondering the good times, and cannot help but think, 'What in GOD'S name was all THAT for?' And thus it all culminates on that coveted graduation day. Allow me to share with you my personal graduation experience:

I've been preparing for this day for years. Here it is, Sunday May 16^th, and I'm ready to embark on a journey out of high school and into the dog-eat-dog world of life outside my protective bubble. But first things first - get out of bed. I'd really rather not, but I figure one can't very well graduate from the comfort of one's bed, now can one. I'll skip all the way to two o'clock that day, since everything between waking up and then was just a lot of standing around, smiling, and taking pictures. I strut down the aisle, the merry tunes of Pomp and Circumstance tooting, well, merrily in my ears. This momentous occasion... this beautiful coming-of-age, and all I can think about is 'Frickin' GEEEZ I need to pee'. All the while I can hear my mother wailing in the background, 'Oh my little baby! She's growing up so FAST!' Each of us secretly prays someone will trip and fall off the stage, just to add a little excitement to the ceremony. God only knows it would have probably been me... 'Katie Sue Sisneros! *clap clap cheer cheer* Thank you, thank you, uuh! *stumble trip roll fall* AAAAH!' Only to cause my mom to wail even louder, wherein I promptly chuck my mortar board at her face. But I endure the speeches. Aaah, the speeches are a topic all their own. So much, in fact, that I will start a brand new paragraph in their honour.

I did not give a speech at my graduation. Why? Because they hate me. HA! Not really! No, they actually hate me, but that's not why I didn't give a speech. Here in America (I don't know customs elsewhere) the person with the highest grades - Valedictorian - gives their class a final farewell speech. Allow me to paraphrase every single Valedictorian speech ever given, because they all are essentially exactly the same:

Can you believe we finally made it? Me either! When we walk out of this building, past the 2,000 some people who know a fraction of the graduates, past the hordes of cameras and crying parents, we will start a brand new chapter in the book of our lives. I just want you all to remember that you hold a special place in my heart, I love each and every one of you, and I sincerely hope you are successful in every endeavor you embark upon. God knows I'm smarter than you, but I suppose I can be nice just this once, for the sake of my reputation. Peace, Love, and Mashed potatoes... see you around. God bless!

You may all now safely avoid attending any graduations for the rest of your life, because they'll all end up pretty much exactly like that. You may thank me via snail mail, please include money.

After the ceremony itself comes a party just for ME! YES! A reception to honour the wonder that is Katie. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'But DZ! You deserve a party EVERY day!' I know, but I can't very well accept mounds of gifts on a daily basis, no matter HOW much I deserve it! Receptions, my friends, are an experience. I stood around for three GOD FORSAKEN HOURS shaking hands, giving hugs, 'Thank you' this, and 'Eat my food' that. Wherein I would have much rather said this:

"Hello! Welcome to my reception! Leave the money on the table, grab a plate of potato salad, and GET THE HECK OUT OF MY WAY!'

Nice? Grateful? Polite? Pssshhhh. Bull. Nice is for looooooosers. hahahaha!

So what have I learned from all this? Let me share:

• I WILL be writing thank-you notes for the next eighteen years
• One can never have too many towels
• Graduation ceremonies last years longer when your bladder is full to near explosion
• I can't remember what was said in the commencement speeches NOW, two days later, let alone ten years from now, so why even have them?

So that's it. I'm done. I'm ready to go out into the big bad world and show it who's boss!¹ Please send congradulatory gifts to me ASAP if you expect a thank-you. Will accept TV's, computers, DVD players, and cash.

Your little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphod

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