Heckle-Ye-Not
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
If you're the sort of comedian who can crush a heckler with a stare, well done. If not, here are some put-downs.
If you want to add to the list, leave your suggestions in the forum below. If the lines have already been used, please do credit the author.
If the audience laughs a little or not at all at the heckler...
'I've had better heckles from my dead gerbil.'
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to apologise for that interruption..by my brother/sister. He/She's just had his/her brain removed and is feeling belligerant.'
'Oh, please. I laughed more at my mother-in-law's funeral. Although I must admit I did laugh rather a lot on that occasion.'
'Of course, heckling's never quite the same after puberty.'
'Ladies and Gentlemen...it would appear we are honoured by the presence of Mr. Terry Wogan tonight.'
'If the audience laughs a lot at the heckler...'
'Fine by me. The more you heckle...the more I get paid for doing nothing.'
'Believe it or not, Ladies and Gentlemen, that heckle was part of the show. Come back tomorrow/next time, and you'll hear it again. But Barry, we've got to work on the delivery.'
A comment by Seinfeld (on the Seinfeld sitcom) - he doesn't go to dentists or plumbers, and start telling them that they'd do a bad job... so why should it happen to him? In severe cases you could follow the heckler to work tomorrow and start shouting "you call that a 5/8th Wrigley?" and suchlike at him.
If there's some random noise...
'Was that a heckle or a cough/sneeze? A heccough/sneckle, perhaps? Fascinating, someone who can only communicate by coughing/sneezing.'
'Are there...any aliens in here tonight?'
Just plain weird
'Ooh - just got a telepathic heckle.'
