h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...if I don't get up today?

Well, I mean, the mortgage doesn't get paid, yes. But does it actually mean anything? What is the square root of 1,764 ?

Why do people always have to be in such a rush?

This morning I was standing at the station platform with a few other individuals who like to travel at a time of day where the chances of getting a seat on the train are a little better than probable. When a gentlemen (I use the term loosely) who was of an age that should have known better, came a stood next to me.

He was six feet tall and from his head to his chest he was, to all intents and purposes, of normal build. He was a little ruddy of face, perhaps, for 0615hrs but otherwise he seemed generally well proportioned.

However, at the level, probably, of his man boobs it all went wrong as his body ballooned out to a waste size that must have been in the early fifties in inches (british imperial measures). Now I'm not judgemental about people's size - it may be medical. And he seemed a nice enough looking chap.

So, picture us standing side by side waiting on platform 2 for the 0623hrs to arrive. And, as I was happily listening to Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd on my sleek black ipod (white is so 90s) the train pulled in.

Now, I am a bit of a regular on this train, so I know pretty well exactly where to stand to be where the doors are when the train stops.

As this morning's train pulled to a halt, the centre of the doors stopped about half way between us. I say about half way, but the central divide was a little in my favour.

Being the gentlemen that I am I hesitated to let fatty - sorry- to let the chap next to me go first but he was already barging me out of the way. I laughed at this as Dave Gilmore told me about Us and Them.

Once inside the train there is a choice to go either left or right into the body of the carriage. He plumped for right, I had already decided to go left so I tucked myself just behind him on his left. He must have known I was there, or maybe he thought he'd taken me out at the entrance and I was lying on the platform.

Anyway, just as I was about to execute my turn, he took against his right turn and began to turn left. Noticing the jinking turn I didn't stop, assuming that he might have an attack of guilt and let me go through first. And he did sort of hesitate for a brief moment before once again barging through, this time knocking me off my balance.

It's six in the morning. There are hundreds of seats. There's no rush.

Why do people always have to be in such a rush?

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