h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My son, Chris, wants to move in with his mother. This causes a bit of a dilemma as I, and his teacher, am always telling him he needs to make some decisions on his own. However, I wasn't expecting him to think that this is a decision for him to make. His reasons make sense, from a 7 year old's point of view.

If I say no, this causes a problem as neither his mother nor I have legal custody and I look bad in his eyes. It also looks to his mother like I don't want her to have him, which is partially true. If this were to go in front of a judge, the judge would likely ask him, because of how old he is, where he wanted to live.

I really don't know what to do with this. If allow him to make this decision, what do I do if Athena wants to go to her mother as well? That, right there, is my biggest fear.

Read between the lines a little. To you he is saying "I want to move in with my mother" but is it possible that he is thinking "I'm not happy at the moment and I wish things were different"?

I've had this with my own daughters. 4 years ago I relocated 100 miles away from their father. 2 years ago I decided I'd made a mistake and looked around. I found a good job 200 miles away from the place they were born and they dug in their heels. If I took the job they would move in with him. Not because they hated me, and not because they wanted to be with him, but because it was the only way they had of protesting about being made to go through another upheaval. They were putting themselves first. They had friends in their fathers area. They knew where the shops were, the cinema, the ice rink etc. In a new place they would, once more, be strangers and it's horrible.

They were right. So I relocated 20 miles away from the place they grew up. They still had to start a new school and make new friends but they knew the area. (Contact arrangements with their father would have remained the same wherever we lived and they knew that. Even if we lived next door he'd only see them once a month or so.)

Therefore, I wonder if your son is just saying that he feels unsettled still and at least he knew who he was before. He had a place in the world and at the moment he doesn't feel like he does.

It's going to take time, so here's my suggestion. Is there a marker point in his life in about 3 months time? I mean things like the end of a semester or a birthday. Tell him that right now is not the time to make a major decision but that when that marker point is reached you will. He'll have had time to settle but he also knows that you are not saying no.

In the time between now and that marker point, gently try to find out what it is about his life he doesn't like. Is it the new school? Is it the teacher? Is it the rules you have made for him at home? Is he being bullied? Do friends invite him over to play? Have you invited any back? Is it that he really does miss his mother?

Of course, at 7 life is hard. It's a funny age anyway, when the larger world suddenly comes into focus a bit. Give him a diary, a notebook or sketch pad to write or draw pictures of his own thoughts but don't force him. Maybe he writes stories? Look carefully at whatever creativity he produces and see if there is any projection of what is on his mind. Talk to him about the themes. Try and see the pattern.

Good luck!

Having had absolutely no experience of seven year olds, I cannot make any comment from practical experience. However one thing I do on a relatively regular basis is buy notebooks for the stepson. I have no idea what he writes in them, (though I do know that one of them is a science fiction story), but having a regular way of externalising thoughts and emotions has been a sanity-saver for me, and it is something that is very useful for children. At some point you will start having to respect their privacy, but I think Coley is right, with enthusiasm and encouragement you will be able to get him to share what he does with you very easily.

I also think Coley is right about not making assumptions about what this is about. The stepson's sister regularly demands to live with her mother. I am not close enough to the situation there to have informed opinions, but a lot of the time it seems to be more about 'I am unhappy' than 'I hate you and don't want to live with you', even though I believe that she does use those words at times. When her father and stepmother dig a little deeper, they can ususally identify the immediate cause of her unhappiness, and work out how to deal with it accordingly.

Of course being separated from her mother is a genuine grief for her, but they have decided that the dangers of letting her see her mother for any amount of time are greater than the dangers of denying her access. Tough call though. (There is a lot of detail there which I will never know, and which it would be inappropriate for me to know, so although I observe, I am in no position to form opinions).

The other thing I notice as an immensely strong theme for almost all children of separated parents is that they never lose the dream that they can maneuver their parents into getting back together again. It may be that your son has taken on board your messages to him that you want him to live with you, and that he hopes that if he goes to live with his mother you will follow him. This is a really tricky one. "If you love me enough you will live with me and with Mom". I have no idea how, other than repitition, you get the message through that you love him with all your heart, but that you and his Mom are not going to be able to be together again.

It might also be worth considering in your own mind what decisions it is ok for him to be taking, and what decisions it is not ok for him to be taking, and at what ages. Once you have worked that one through in your own head, then it might be worth starting a discussion with all the children, so that they have a level of expectation about what the scope of their responsibilities are. It is ok aged 7 to decide what to wear to school, for example, but not ok to decide whether or not to go to school. By 17, you can decide whether or not to go to school, and what courses to take if you do. And so on.

All in all, not tackling him point by point on his reasons, but giving both of you time to explore his whole situation more fully (possibly without him realising that this is what you are doing) makes a great deal of sense.

Good luck.

Ben

I like Coely's idea, too. Let him know that you want him to be happy, but that this isn't a good time for a change. Then set a date and tell him that if he still feels the same way then, even though you would miss him terribly, you'll discuss it with his mother. By then he will probably have made friends at school and be happy where he is. I think he's unsettled.

My youngest step-son was nearly 10 when F and I married, so like Ben, I missed those early years. But divided families are always stressful. F had full custody of the children from day one of his divorce, and the kid's mother wasn't a bit interested in having them, so it was a different situation anyway. F was divorced when the youngest was 5 months old. His ex had visited the kids exactly four times in all those years.

All good advice, so far, GDZ. Assuming that your final decision will be for him to stay with you and not his mother, I suggest you share your reasons why with him on a level he can understand. He may not agree with them, but at least he will know that you seriously considered the request and that it wasn't just because you 'said so'.

Well, the ex isn't going to like it but, I am going to suggest waiting until the end of the first trimester of school, which is Oct. 8, at which point I will tell her that I don't think it is a good idea for him to live her. Now, I just have to find a diplomatic way of saying "you're parenting abilities are all f****ed up".

Hi Hon,

I read your post in the Atelier, but decided to drop by here to respond.

The issue is not your ex's health, of course. It is her reliability.

One thing I have found in a fight is that it helps to be clear about and to focus on the issues. You could be wrong-footed if you 'victimise' her for 'ill-health'. Doing that turns you into the bad guy. Much better to fight from the strong ground of her unreliability.

Just my



B