h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I got a call from my sister tonight. She is seriously thinking about ending the temporary custody arrangement we have because things just are not going well for her. She has a 2 bedroom house and is trying to raise 4 kids: her daughter and my 3 kids. The kids, all of them have been acting up quite a bit and she is coming to her wits end.

This situation has its negatives and positives.

Negative:
I have not been able to get myself employed and into my own place yet.
My stepson will go back to his mother, very bad thing.

Positive:
I will have my children again and they will likely calm down and start behaving again.
I will feel like I am truly involved in their lives again.

I was expecting to be taking custody of the kids at the end of the school year doing so allowed them to remain in what I consider to be the best school in the state of Utah.

I will gladly take on this burden, it is only appropriate for me to do so. I do have more I want to say but, I don't really have the words right now.

You know I am here for you brother. Anything I can do, just shout.

Ditto for me, GDZ.

So, I am really worried about this. Can't sleep because of it.

I have specifically not looked into several jobs because they don't pay enough to support a family of three but, catch 22, I am not bringing in anything right now that would even help towards supporting them. However, if I take a lower paying job then I will likely become stuck in a rut finance-wise.

On top of that, I will have to move the kids to what is likely to be an inferior school that is on a year-round schedule. The kids will have to move away from all of their friends and the educational program will be much different than they and I are use to.

Suggestion/Comments are more than welcome.

Ben, would ...and this is a big would ... your sister be willing to move into a larger place with you in the same school district? That way, the rent wouldn't be so high, they could stay at their school, and you could both get a break.

You said suggestions are welcome, so there you have it. That would be my suggestion.

I don't know how much you are aware of the situation of my former Private Life, who has left his son (aged 19) with me, in order to be with his daughter (aged 14) on the other side of the planet. There is obviously more to that story than that, but hey.

This family have left me with a clear understanding that there are no right solutions to family problems, and very often no best solutions. The situation that they are in is deeply unsatisfactory, but there was no point in the last three years where any obvious mistake was made. (Try telling that to the 14 year old when she is off on one, mind...)

Perhaps it would help to make a list of the wants and needs of each person involved, (stable schooling for the children, an open door to a better earning career for you), and work out which ones are in fact the most important, and which ones are just nice to haves. Oh, and work out which ones conflict with each other.

When I cannot work out a difficult problem I get 3x5 cards (or pieces of paper) and write a one liner about each element of the problem ("stable schooling" "open door to better career" etc) on each of the cards. This gets the problem out of my head and onto the table. Then I organise the cards intuitively, and work out the relationships between them. It helps if I am explaining this to someone else - again that externalising thing - but I get good results by myself. There are relationships between things that I see on the table that I would never have worked out in my head.

But the main thing to know is that there is NO right solution. It really is more a matter of how you do it than what you do, when you are sorting out these sorts of family tangles.

Ben

Yes, a very difficult situation. I think you really need to sit down and talk things over with your sister.

The bigger house share sounds a good idea, providing you get on well enough with your sister to be able to do that.

As I've said to Marv, it is often easier to find the job you want if you are already employed. It indicates that you are willing to work, you know you are, I know you are, but a potential employer doesn't. If you see what I mean.

I don't know how the benefits/welfare system works there, but is there any kind of top up benefit for those on a low wage?

Ben's problem solving method sounds a good idea. H does something similar.