h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

God knows I'm a liberal on sexual matters. A libertine, even. But last night my limits of tolerance were stretched.

Prime time TV - a tall, skinny fashion lady and a stout, dumpy fashion lady were fondling each other's bare breasts. And members of the British pubpli were queuing around the block to bare their own breasts ifor the cameras.

I mean, it's been said that the British have gone from being British to Italian within a single generation...and some of the boobies were fairly pleasant (Mind you - you know what they say? 'If you've seen one, you've seen 'em both)...but even so.

It was bad enough when we had that scary nutrition witch probing peoples' faeces. Helena Handcart, I tell you!

>>God knows I'm a liberal on sexual matters.<<

Yes so am I. But a lot of this silly nonsense on Telly has little to do with sex in the way I perceive it, and what it means in my life, but some capitalist cr@p, that gets so many women thinking they need breast plastic surgery/enlargment, or even reduction for some particularly well endowed females.

But...don't you know?...fashion is the most important thing in the WORLD!

Well, Ed, you saw it and remarked on it. It worked. In a world so thick with adverts it gets harder and harder to get anyone to pay attention.
When I was a kid, the only breasts I ever saw were in the National Geographic. Every issue had at least two. One thing that I noticed after a while was that the people in the photos weren't staring at them. Was that some kind of New Guinea thing? How could they not notice?

Ms. Helena's been pushing that handcart for all of history. How come we don't seem to be getting any closer?

Cos hell is right here. So's heaven. 'Sup to you.

Heard at my viol consort class last night:

"What's the world coming to?"

"Ravel's Bolero."

>>Was that some kind of New Guinea thing? How could they not notice?


I remember my first Mediterranean trip, to Corfu. I was staying illicitly at a villa booked by a friend, flying over on a 'flight only' charter deal. I remember arriving from an overnight flight and taxing across the island to where I'd arrenged to meet him on the terrace of a hotel. As I got out of the taxi, a woman looked down from the terrace to see who it was...and looking up I could see, nicely hanging down, the most succulent, ripe, voluptuous breasts I had ever seen. OK, so by then I han't seen that many - not in real life - but the fond memory of those two beauties is with me still.

It's a funny thing, when one is in a warm place where women show their breasts. I find that half my brain is saying,
'OK - so I'm a modern, reconstructed, liberal male. I realise that these women are not putting on a sexual display for me, simply excercising their right to enjoy, unmolested, the warm sun on their bodies.'
But the other half is saying,
'DANG-A DANG-A DANG-A DANG!!!! '

We men are so easily pleased.

I have to agree that looking at breasts, nicely hanging down, do indeed look succulent and ripe, and most

So why is it that a pair of ripe beaulocks, that also hang down, just don't have that same degree of ?

When I had my vasectomy...a couple of weeks after I noticed a slight swelling around the stitches. So I went to have them looked at. The doctor said it was quite normal '...but I'm afraid there will be a slight scar.'
'Never mind,' said I, 'They were hardly my most attractive feature in the first place.'

Some friends of mine belonged to a nudist (naturist?) org and invited me to come along to a country retreat that they have. The first time, I got such a stiff NECK from trying not to swivel my head around.

The second time, I enjoyed a lovely swim in the pool and some warm sun where, as they say, the sun don't shine.

The third time, I realized why people wear clothes. Most people look much better with them on.

How does one spot a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

You've probably heard what happens when boobies pop out on network TV over here. If we want that kind of fun, we have to pay for cable.

Badda Bing, badda boom.

(Sopranos reference. *Do not discuss the last episode with me*. I've not seen it and only discovered too late that it was on the same night in Sweden.)

I object to all this sex on the telly.

I keep falling off!

Zube

Hey Ed, don't you know . . . chicks really dig scars.

I can always make out I got them in a dual. After all...bonobos are famed for their penis fencing.

Do they scar?

Penis fencing?

You try doubling some barbed wire around it, and tell me if it scars!

Zube

>>Penis fencing?<

Is that like cock fighting?

And so, as we observe the bonobo and his companions from this hide, we note just how quickly they descend from discussing lowest common denominator television to a demonstration why such programs get high ratings and sell advertising.

Now back to the studio, just remember 'Bonobo-watch Uncut' is on at 11pm tonight with extra footage of their cock-fighting rituals...

- After all...bonobos are famed for their penis fencing.-

If they were gay homeless bonobos, would that make it a Hobobonobooboe fight?

Oboe . . . now that's a new euphemism on me.