h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's been a long time since I was here on this account.

I am beginning to believe that I have a depression after all. I wake up at about five every morning, thoughts racing, and have a really hard time to go back to sleep. Sometimes it's at 4.30, sometimes after five, but fact remains, I can't stay asleep.

And of course, I am so sad in the mornings especially.

As soon as things need to get going, I get up and do what I have to, but pretty much without enjoying it. And as soon as the kids have left, to stay with their dad for a week, I just want to cry.

Today I called mum and dad before the kids were up, and they have been here from ten in the morning til eight in the evening. I couldn't let them go home before I dropped the kids off, and then I came back here to cry a bit before I could let them go home.

Mum is going to help me find a time with a doctor, I just can't handle the system. I need to enlist first, and get an appointment, and I am not listed anywhere yet. I feel pretty useless about that.

It's not so bad that I can't go to work, and I deal with the kids ok, but I just don't have the energy to battle the evil switchboard witches to fight my way into an appointment. At times like this I wish I had a partner who would hold me and take care of me and arrange such things. And then I remember that I've never had that, even when I was married. And it makes me even more sad.

It's not fair on my parents to have to fix things for me.

I feel so lonely.

Oh well, I suppose things will move on. Probably I will have to shove the emotions back in the cupboard again, and keep pretending I'm fine. And I will work and manage things like usual. I always have.

But how I wish someone was here to love me.

3-4 am is the absolutely worst possible time to think - things always seem at their glummest at that time in the morning.

When this happens to me, I try to hold the negative thoughts back by daydreaming - making up, fantasies - sometimes involving a handsome, sexy male actor , sometimes picturing myself travelling to places I've always dreamt of visiting (like the sceneries seen in the Lord of the Rings).

Don't feel bad about having your parents help you - I'm sure they wouldn't like you to shut them out, pretending everything's fine when it isn't.

You're not on any medication right now?

Take care

No, I'm not on medication. I've been off it for about a year, and I actually think it was a good thing. The sadness and sorrow, and anger and frustration from the divorce needed to be there unhindered, to allow me to deal with it. And I also finally took the step to get councelling at the womens crisis center. Free, thank BoB
And I wouldn't have gotten that if it weren't a bit violent that horrible night, so it did actually bring something good (in addition to losing 76 kg of unnecessary weight )

But now I feel I am falling back into the early morning brooding routine, and I get tearful a lot. I shove it back and go through the day, but when I get a moment to think, or allow myself to let go, I .

It took mum an hour and a half to get that appointment for me, and I am so grateful for it. It really is hard to get away with it in an open plan office, also being a contractor now gives me less room to sort things like this. And right now, mum does only 2 hrs at work a day, she is getting back to work from being pretty much horizontal since July, due to a slipped disk. So, she is training to be at work, but doesn't have to achieve anything much yet, she doesn't have pupils to train or anything. So at least I'm not robbing them of their teacher while she makes phonecalls for me...

It's kind of odd, not posting on my usual account, but since daughter is here more than a while ago, it makes better sense to stay here. Of course, she got shut down for being under 16, but she knows where to find the other 'me'.

Thanks for coming by, Ti, it means a lot to me. You are one of the first people I got to know here, and I like you so much.

QN

Hey hon, , you're smart, strong and beautiful. I hope you find the new things you're trying helpful. You matter and don't deserve to be feeling so strained, so be kind to yourself not but struggling not to think but by thinking differently. As anything you're thinking that can make you so upset can't have much truth to it or be much use - you're entitled to move on and make tomorrow a day to - and you've made start so you will.

Take care hon, .

Jack, long time since I saw you
Thank you for all those nice words - you sound like you feel much stronger and happier than a while ago, can that be right? I hope you are on the 'up' road.

I am taking care of myself. And I was glad when my therapist confirmed it as a good thing that I am indeed taking steps to change what doesn't feel good. And she isn't against medication, it can well be combined with therapy. That feels good too.

Come back now and then, (not that I always log in to this account, but I try to keep an eye on it)

QN

I know I should have replied sooner QN but I'm always worried that I'll lower your mood. I hope you are feeling brighter since your last post. My days seem to involve "going through the motions" and trying to keep my mind busy so I don't have time to think. I can cope with being alone but I miss not being with *her*. The way I'd describe it is that the colour is missing from my world. Glad I'm off my pills too; all they really did was take the edge off things which meant that I didn't get sad but I didn't really get happy either. There were no extremes so I stumbled along through a big grey ball of blandness.

I expect I possibly have lowered your mood. It's good that you have support and don't feel bad or ashamed to accept it. People may not be able to fix your situation but the fact that they're there can be a comfort.

Sorry if I've rambled.

Van (wishing he could the whole )