h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Did I ever tell you the story about the bright yellow tank and the life-sized fluffy pigs?

No, but I'd be interested to hear

Kim,
I hear you have renowned skills in the black arts of computers. I'm just undertaking a new pastime as an Evil Mastermind. From my current research I have discovered that I should have an evil henchman and computer programmers are supposedly well qualified for this.

So if you would like to be able to spice up your memoirs (tenuous link to your original thread) with (more) tales of evil doing then let me know. You would be especially suitable if you can easily change your appearance say by addition of an 'evil henchman' beard.

I've got to go think up some evil plans now...

Or 13 inches to be precise...

Nooge, many are the paths to Wickedness and Villainy, but most depraved of all is that of Perl Hacking and CGI scripts and the Dark Wonders of the Web. Truly I would be eager to join your Ravenous Horde of Nefarious Programmers, but first I must satisfy myself on a few points:

1) Can I be assured of your innate moral badness, such that you are unalterably deviant from the principles imposed by conscience, the will of a Supreme Being, or by the principles of a lawful human society?

There is nothing more frustrating for an Evil Minion than to find their once Deprave Evil Genius of a leader turn all goody-goody on them and get a job as a pet shop assistant so as to be close to the fluffy bunnies.

2) Have you a properly thought-out and well conceived business plan for your Reign Of Terror? It's so dissappointing to see a promising you miscreant go to waste purely as a result of poor planning and a desire to get straight on with the slaughter and misery. If you are a bit confused about where to start you can always make use of http://members.tripod.com/~mrpuzuzu/plan.html, or alternatively I believe that most major banks now provide a special Evil Plot Advisor as part of their Personal Banking Service.

3) Might a suggest that you also seriously consider a name change? I may be old fashioned but one takes a certain pride in being a member of the Undead Legions of the Dark Prince Narcolep which I feel would somehow be lacking from the title Follower of Nooge.

Kim,
You have passed the initial test showing much discernment and intelligence - also quite a nice bit of evil intent.
I can now reveal more of my true purpose. As you say "The Followers of Nooge" doesn't instill fear and loathing. However, my full title is "Nefarious Overlord Of Gyrating Evilness". I work under the title of software engineer to hide my true vocation.

I have already examined the link you so kindly provided and am researching an evil black jackboot to shoehorn the plan into (rather like that poor pun). Practice your most evil hip motions in anticipation.

Nooge

Oh Nefarious Overlord Of Gyrating Evilness, I will gladly place my immortal soul at your ravenous disposal and promise forthwith to fiendishly gyrate to the beat of your pounding black jackboot - but just a few last questions:

1) Do you have a pension scheme?
2) What kind of medical insurance do you provide?
3) Will there be wine and nibbles?

Oh yes, and one other thing - does your Sensei know about your fall from grace?

There are no legal contracts yet but if you join me then you can expect the following benefits:
1) Pension Scheme - You will never (want to) retire. This will be a real job for life. And the evil plans will keep you well rewarded.
2) What kind of medical insurance do you provide? - None is provided for the victims. Should you become serioulsy injured then I would expect you do the decent thing and terminate your unworthy self.
3) Will there be wine and nibbles? - Of course. The staff HQ will also have free coffee and chocolate hob-nobs (which should suit evil programmer type henchmen).

There are no legal contracts yet but if you join me then you can expect the following benefits:
1) Pension Scheme - You will never (want to) retire. This will be a real job for life. And the evil plans will keep you well rewarded.
2) What kind of medical insurance do you provide? - None is provided for the victims. Should you become serioulsy injured then I would expect you do the decent thing and terminate your unworthy self.
3) Will there be wine and nibbles? - Of course. The staff HQ will also have free coffee and chocolate hob-nobs (which should suit evil programmer type henchmen).

No, but I am listening.