h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ach, I'm so angry with myself right now
I need to call this guy, and I can't pick up the ing phone. Social anxiety and avoidance disorder...well, spot on with the diagnosis, but what to do about it? My doc is on holiday, great. I'm off Trevilor (the venlafaxin thingy) for a week now, and Ed was pretty right about withdrawal symtoms. But the bloody itching skin-rash I had was from Trevilor . Instead I got something new prescribed (a MAO-inhibitor) which I haven't started with, not yet anyway. I'm losing my patience with the meds . It's also as if nobody thinks I need any help. Family no help, friends no help, doctors unconcerned and now on holiday. And I can't have this shit right now, I'm moving again (that's why I need to call the guy...) and starting uni again, I can't be sick and dizzy all the time, and lord knows what side effects those new MAO thingies will give me. I wish I had a therapist I could talk to. But that's something I have to arrange again all alone . Funny, isn't it, me having to do all these things, and nearly breaking down beneath the weight and not learning anything positive from this crisis. The words like "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger", that's a lie. That's a ing lie, it makes me weaker than ever, and recovery-time will take ever longer. Forever maybe. Hell, I'm crying again. How am I supposed to ever lead a normal life if I'm too weak to pick up a simple phone. What possible job could I ever do that wouldn't make me continually ill?

Shit. I'll be better again, I know. But then- I'll be worse again, I know that as well . I'm tired of fighting. Don't worry, I won't try and kill myself, but when I sometimes think that my life will go on for another 50 years or something, that thought makes me so tired.

I wish you lived nearby so I could give you a real hug.

Hang in there. I'm hoping things will get better for you soon. I hope you can find a good therapist that might take away some of the isolation you are feeling.

I've been trying to fight my depression by improving my diet -- I need to cook more, and stop eating just frozen dinners. I've just started, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Yeah...I've been there. The only advice I can give is that actually making the call will be a lot easier that the anxiety about having to make it. Afterwards you'll think "What was all that fuss about?"

Not easy, though.

Eek. Being between meds and having to sort out life things at the same time is bad news. I hope you find something that works soon. People *do* find something - but it can be a process of trial and error.

As for nobody caring - well we care here. Possibly your family and friends care more than you think, too, but maybe thay don't know how hard you're finding life? It can be easier putting on a brave face than admitting you feel bad.

"I was much further out than you thought/ And not waving, but drowning."
(Stevie Smith)

But stop being angry with yourself. This is not your fault.

I had a bad night, even after swallowing two tranquilizers I was still in a crying fit. Eventually I was tired enough to fall to sleep.

Today I'm going to start those Monoclomid or what they're called

I wish I could just tell my feelings to behave right "Stop anger, right now" But it doesn'twork.

I'm sorry Ed, that's what I meant earlier on, I just *don't learn*. Two weeks ago I was phoning around with twenty peaople a day to find a flat, and it wasn't really a problem, I just felt tired, but managed to do it anyway, and finally with success. But did I learn from that experience? Obviously not, because yesterday I was so blocked that I didn't dare try and pick up the phone.

I saw my two best friens at the weekend, and I really did try to talk to them about my problems, but they don't understand. And here I am typing, and my sister is standing next to me, ignoring that I'm actually crying. That makes me angry,too.

Yes, the worst of it is that it's difficult to learn. I'm still the world's worst at putting off phone calls that turn out to be easy. And the thing about depression is that it makes it so hard to be in control of your emotions. But please try to remember somewhere underneath...all this isn't because of something you've done wrong. It's an illness in just the same way as a broken leg.

As for others not understanding...unless you've experienced it, it's hard. Maybe people just don't know how to react? After all - you don't either. But if you like I'll come over and give your sister a slap.

A hot bath will help! Seriously.

Also...look out for an e-mail later, after I've got home.

Thank you again for all the encouragement You too Ellen!

BTW my new flat is a community, which will probably be much better for me than living alone. 3 Boys and a girl and me , I hope they're patient with me . I'm now packing, and moving on the 7th october or a bit earlier. But I have to call those guys again, and the landlord, WHICH I WILL DO TODAY .

Make sure you give yourself some kind of reward afterwards. Chocolate, a nice bath...

A nice sausage, like Pavlov's dog

I just called. I was a little nervous before, but managed to do it without further problems. But it's a curse, that I can never rely on myself being strong enough. I'm going to watch the Simpsons now , that's my reward.

Well done! Now, you're fragile, so you have to take things in gentle steps - but try to remember that you've achieved something today. Then one day you'll look back and realise you've achieved a lot. I promise!