h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Stardate 270899

I am, officially, the world's worst snowboarder. I can't do it at all. But I did really enjoy it. I have discovered muscles I never knew I had, and they are all aching. I have also invented a new way to get up a dry ski slope - fall on your arse half way down and then shuffle back up to the top on aforementioned arse. A lot easier than the rope lift, which just pulls you over, rather than up. At £14 a go, I'm not sure that I'll be going back. I see no hope for improvement.

Sister is meeting with Bloke 1 today. They have decided to get together and split up. Which is civilised of them. But they won't remember friends. Which isn't civilised of them, but is quite practical, since she lives several hundred miles away.

Just spent £50+ on textbooks for next year at college. On top of course, membership and exam fees. I think I might need a third job. Maybe I could sign up to be a test subject for the advancement of medical science.

No improvement on the football scene. Apparently Danny was promised £15m to spend when he came from Barnsley. He's only spent £6m, but has nothing left. So somewhere along the line someone has acquired £9m, which is a nice few months work, or fraud, depending on which way you look at it.

Half the first team squad are going to miss the match at Southampton tomorrow, but maybe we'll get some of the decent youngsters in, which would be an improvement. Hirsty still isn't fit for Southampton, but at least that means I don't have to travel all that way to see the match.

Lasagne & chips in the canteen for dinner, and a few chapters of C is for Corpse, except it isn't yet, he becomes a corpse later in the book. Still reading A Game of Thrones at home, not getting very far with it, although it is a very good book. Full of nasty things that you don't want to happen though.

Not sure what tonight will hold. Considering that I feel like I've been run over by a couple of buses, it won't be anything too strenuous. Possibly some alcohol to dull the pain, if I can find the energy to go to the pub. Or maybe a long hot bath and large amounts of chocolate, followed by Friends and an early night. Or maybe I'll just go to sleep under the desk.

Got to take sister to pick up car tomorrow. Hopefully that will all be over with soon. She had bank-induced trauma yesterday. She rang to enquire about a bank loan (she has already been OKed for finance by Rover) and the pratt at the bank told her that she probably couldn't afford such an expensive car, and they wouldn't give her much of a loan. Made her cry. Bastard. I think I'll have to go and slash his tyres. Or arrange for a load of manure to be dumped on his drive. Or maybe I could come up with something more inventive. No one makes my little sister cry and gets away with it. Apart from me.

Gran's birthday this weekend. Have to attend hellish family get-together. I must have done something really bad in a past life.

Currently working through my record collection in alphabetical order (my life is so full). Have reached E for Everything But The Girl. Hope to reach G for Green Day before the weekend is out, but feel this may be optimistic as it has taken two months to reach E.

Cake s.o.

"I am a genius trapped in the body of a hamster"

It's the fake snow stuff. Real snow is lovely and comfy - forget the blues of nasty ripping fibres in a diamond tesselation and wait until the winter. Travel to Glenshee. Rejoice in the fluffiness. Realise that all you have to do is think where you need to be going and marvel as your body slides round where you want it to be with barely a conscious effort. Come home without wincing every few seconds and wondering how best to deal with the large skinless patch on your hip.

Sister knows two professional snowboarders who have promised to take us to Scotland this winter. Would have preferred to be capable of at least staying upright, to save on embarassment. Could manage the going downhill sideways quite fast bit, sort of, it was the going down backwards slowly bit that did for me. Either fell over or turned round and went forward quite fast. As backwards slowly is quite early on in lesson, did not get very far. Maybe will stay in bar, where ability to stay upright is not required.

I tried snowboarding up north. Aviemore, Glenshee - could have been anywhere, it was very early in the a.m. and I was not quite sober. I had a great time in the bar (eating soup and drinking beer) after discovering that it was very cold and I could only turn left. Once you turn left and go down a hill very fast you realise that sometimes turning right is a good thing. When you first notice that you can't do this panic doesn't set in, which is surprising, but when the snow starts to run out . . .

If you can't turn right, it sounds as if you can't do a heel turn with a regular stance. Solve the problem by switching to goofy - toe turns will be a little harder but heel turns much easier. If you still find them hard, try moving the bindings so that your feet are almost perpindicular to the board.

This conversation is getting way too technical for me. Couldn't even get the hang of going slowly backwards. Haven't dared go back yet, although muscles have stopped aching. Have decided that problem is to do with foot size. In theory you need to press edge of board, which is brake, to slow down. Only have small feet, but board is standard size, when when press toes or heels down am pressing more in middle of board than edge, which doesn't slow me down at all.

Good thing about dry slopes - flat bit at bottom so plenty of time to stop (for stop read fall over) before reaching end. No falling off precipices on a dry slope.