h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today at the office we had a call from K to say that she's unlikely to be in for the rest of the week. Her father, who was moved to the hospice the other day, now seems likely to have only a few days more of life.

There's absolutely nothing I can do now, except remind K that I'll help her as best I can if she needs help. But that's not really what I'm writing about.

At the local shop on the way home I ran into S, who's been on leave for the last few weeks. My first thought was 'she looks so different without foundation and eyeliner', my second thought was to let her know K's situation. Office news can wait until she's back on Monday, but this is different. So I told her what was happening with K's father as we went through the checkout and then into the carpark.

That was when I really felt the difference in our ages. I'm about 15 years older than S. I'm used to people dying. I've seen my own father die, far too young. S still has both parents, a full set of grandparents, and all of the extended family is intact. I could see from her face that she was shocked at how fast things were happening, and I could also see that she was struggling not to cry. She said that she had no way of coping with these things because she simply has no experience of them.

I left her to drive home while I walked down the stairs to my street.

I handled things badly. I should have been softer and gentler in giving S the news, but it didn't occur to me until it was too late. It's not like I was brutally blunt, but I did speak as though to someone of my own age and general experience. It speaks volumes about S that I forget how young she is, and how peaceful a life she's had - and this is one time when I should have remembered.

Ivan.

Heartless cad me be a bit harsh on yourself!

The thing is, you can never know that sort of thing in advance, not really.

S will, I'm sure, eventually see the way you spoke to her in the same way that you did at the time, having got past how she thinks about just now.

Unfortunately, you can't protect people from everything, and people do die.

may be

I previewed it as well for goodness sake.

It's a bit startling to realise that someone who's razor-sharp and shrewd at the office, someone who can be more cynical than me sometimes, can be so easily undercut.

She's probably picking on herself right now for being weak.

Ivan, you can't protect people from life and death. Far better that you told her than she put her next time she breezily greets the bereaved fellow co-worker.

Just

Sweetheart we can only cushion children from the realities of life... and death, even then it's only for a short time.

I think your friend might be one who takes things very much to heart and would have reacted in a similar way even had she been older.

Don't beat yourself up about hit, hunny

That's roughly why I told her what was happening - better for her to know now than to have her stumble into something grim without any warning on Monday.

Incidentally, K's birthday is on Monday. What ghastly timing.

If it wasn't her birthday, it would be Easter, or Christmas, or a wedding anniversary or something. I don't think there is an easy time for something like that.

True enough. Grandad died on Christmas Eve; it's been a bit weird ever since. But I think it would have been worse if it had been my birthday...

even putting something like that a soft way, is still hard.
But, I would prefer to know in advance, rather than after

I'm sure it would - fortunately I am in the position of having both parents still alive and functioning.

My paternal grandfather died on Christmas day with my Dad on his lap (my Dad being aged 3 at the time) which I think was very hard for the whole family - though my Dad is the only one left on that side and he can't remember it.

I'd say he's lucky, not having any direct memory of the event, but of course everyone else would have remembered every year. People are like that.

Anyway. I did the right thing in telling S what was happening. She'd agree with that. The whole business will soon be out of mind.

Someone else gave S the news about K's father today. I'm glad I'd softened her up for it.