h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gothly's been away on holiday for the past few days, visiting old uni friends. I'd have gone too, but I had things to do, people to see.

"Will you be alright, looking after yourself?" asked Gothly at the train station.

How patronising. Will I be alright. Sheesh. What am I, eight? I was positively looking forward to having some time to myself, to do as I pleased.

Back home, I wandered about a bit, trying to remember what I wanted to do that I couldn't do with Gothly here. Suffering a failure of imagination, I switched on the computer. I could have watched TV I suppose, but couldn't be bothered to figure out how to use the remote control by myself. I thought I'd find out what marital aids are available these days; I recalled reading a news article about a woman who had passed out in the frozen food aisle of a supermarket because of an orgasm brought on by a product she was wearing in her underwear. I decided I must have one of those, so I Googled for 'orgasm' and 'frozen food'. I didn't find the news article, but I did discover that there are vast tracts of pornography devoted to people who like to meet each other in supermarkets.

An ice cream van pulled up outside and I dashed out and joined the queue of kids to indulge myself in a 99 Flake. Got back to the house and realised I had locked myself out. I had locked myself out and Gothly wasn't back for a week. Also, I noticed that it was evening and I had forgotten to eat any dinner.

I crammed the ice cream down my neck and knocked on our next-door neighbour's door. We've never said more than "hello" and "awful hedge" to each other before, but he was most hospitable when I explained my predicament. He offered me a cup of tea and let me use his phone to call our letting agency--which was closed, of course. Then he asked me if I'd left the skylight open: he was all for climbing on the roof and getting into the house that way. The computer is in the same room as the skylight. I had left it switched on, supermarket porn and all.

"Er, no, the skylight's closed," I said, hoping it was true. (It was.)

My only option was to phone Gothly's parents and get them to drive me over to their place for the night. They were very nice about it, though. They gave me a flowery nightie and everything. I haven't worn a nightie since I was a kid. I regarded myself in the mirror of their spare room, and noticed a disturbing resemblance to a particular Red Dwarf episode. http://www.blogography.com/photos6/Flibble.jpg. But perhaps I was just tired.

I picked up a spare key from the letting agency the next day. They were quite understanding. Just a small snicker right at the start, then politeness itself.

It's been, oh, three or four days since Gothly left and I've lost all sense of time now. I keep forgetting to eat until I'm starving hungry: I haven't had one unburnt meal so far, and I keep wandering into the kitchen to find I've left the cooker on. My sleep pattern's all out of synch. I don't know what's on telly. I think I'm starting to lose my hair. I hope Gothly comes bach soon.

Or Mr Flibble will be very cross....

Awwwww I know that syndrome! Start singing that old Dusty Springfield classic "I just don't know what to do with myself" REALLY loud is a good start.

Er...after that, it all gets a bit aimless. Come on here 24 hours a day. Why the hell do you think i am on here so much lately?

create your own personal mantra:

"I do not need this person to provide me with a meaningful existence"

& repeat ad infinitum. It won't work, but at least you can feel smug for having tried.

Write all that stuff you have been putting off for the last 25 years. Like as hell you will.

Rearrange the furniture TOTALLY, that's a goodie, works off energy & the look on their face when they enter is to be prized above riches

Send the bugger a postcard. In fact, send lots, each one progressively more yet posing as Don't for god's sake post them!

*sigh* you will undoubtedly end up texting/phoning or nabbing a pigeon, lighting small but smoky fires, playing with strange flags, whatever it takes. Once somebody has got into your mind, heart, body , soul & binbags, it's not easy to be without them.

BUT keep your bloody keys on you, or at least give a spare to someone you trust! (te he; me not be daft, me give spare to very cute guy who live round the corner)

zdt*back to googling supermarket porn, don't worry dear, we all do it*

> "Or Mr Flibble will be very cross...."

It *was* a particularly scary virus.

> "I keep forgetting to eat"

Bad idea (says the other person who forgets to eat). Rather than burning food, can you arrange to have food you don't need to cook (my strategy)? What about take-aways (other people's strategy)? Or does Gothly need to arrange meals-on-wheels for you next time?

"Write all that stuff you have been putting off for the last 25 years. Like as hell you will."

Yeah, that was one of the things I was gonna do. Ah well.

Meals-on-Wheels sounds good to me. They turn up at fixed times, don't they, so forgetting about food wouldn't be an issue. Or, I could get a grip and sort my life out.

Dammit, I'm going to bed. *See* how I go to bed without anyone telling me it's bedtime.

Sleep well, it will be easier tomorrow, honestly.

zdt

When Moonglum used to go away I was quite aimless. Now I make sure I go out and get food he doesn't like, I watch the sort of film he doesn't like eg Bollywood with lots of choc or crisps and wine. I then either read undisturbed - heaven, or some years I redecorate.

Its all about discipline, my new thing this year. Boring but true. Although your adventures are so much more fun to read!

Trouble is he has lots of trips this year and has been inviting me, which sounds fun but then I miss my time on my own - dilemna.

Then you need to be selective. Pick the few trips you think sound the most fun and compare them (good and bad points) with staying at home. Try the ones which still look like they might win. Afterwards assess how accurate your comparison was and whether there were points you missed, eg you might have had some time alone even on the trip but perhaps less home facilities to use it. Remember to feed this information back into future decisions.

Gothly's decided to come back today. Yay!

Better tidy up.

Do you think they told Gothly what you'd been doing then?

Possibly. Those flying monkeys can't keep their mouths shut.

Does Gothly hoot? 'Cos if so this convo will tell him/her all they need to know!!!

zdt

No, Gothly doesn't hoot. As far as I know....

*Puts his hands together and blows between the thumbs...*

I don't seem to hoot either...

That was terrible! I hope you're proud of yourself.

I spent half my childood trying to be able to do that & never managed it! There was a trick with a blade of grass i seem to remember....

zdt

The owl hooting I can do. I even worked out how to pitch it to produce a tune - though I needed another person to cover sufficient notes for most. The blade of grass trick was more my younger brother's specialty.

Everything back to normal now then Snailrind?

We used to use olive leaves to make bird noises. I was useless at it. I'm pretty good at imitating certain birds, though: blackbirds, pigeons and some squawkers and quackers. My owl-imitating abilities come and go, but male scops owls I'm damn good at. They're easy.

I feel it's important to be aware of what you're actually *saying* to the birds in question. I haven't spoken duck for some years, and the nuances are slipping away.

Everything back to normal, you ask? Well, Gothly's home, though I don't tend to think of 'Gothly' and 'normal' as belonging together.

I found that speaking to ducks in English worked surprisingly well. I had one follow my instructions/advice once. Though of course I've experimented with duck talk too, including duckling baby-talk.

Despite being able to imitate pigeons quite well, I don't know what they are saying and I very much doubt that they do either. Pigeons seem to be particularly vacuous in their speech.