h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

From time to time - and especially now that I am losing a bit of hearing and not always able to tell what people are exactly saying I've decided to put down some definitions that follow the guidelines of the "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" game show on BBC Radio 4.

I feel qualified for this as I live in Uxbridge, Middlesex, UK. For those who are unsure of the sense of this reference for many years people have talked about students who would like to get into OXford or CamBRIDGE as Oxbridge candidates. It is said to be a very prestigious achievement to enter these hallowed places. The Radio 4 show makes fun of "the establishment" as well as just about everything else that it cares to. Uxbridge being at the western edge of Greater London, is sort of seen as beyond the fringe and worthy of contempt. It also sounds a bit like Oxbridge and so has a pseudo academic ring - perfect for an iffy reference book.

Please feel free to add any definitions that come into your head. If at first you don't get them say them out loud and think like and English person.

Forensic - container for poultry vomit
Mascarpone - prepare a small horse before it gets a go at the piñata.
Parliament - the song people sing when dad dies
Maintenance - the people you thought you rented your property to - before they sublet.
Eagle - gull found on the internet
Copulate - gang member's comments to tardy policeman
Nitrate - overtime for working while it's dark

I was going to suggest

Postulate - muttered whilst waiting for an urgent letter or package

Crapulent : please take this back - I wasn't able to use it after all.

Carbuncle - the one who polishes off sausage rolls and sandwiches at parties

Mischief - bosses daughter

Franchise - what Franch sees with

Miniscule - small learning establishment

(psst, it's spelled 'minuscule' - but it still works audibly)

Audibly: What the bishop said to Vicar Dawn French after "Your next parish will be either Damascus..."

Antonym: what people said about me, several times, when I sat on the handy mound at a picnic.

Invest: where I keep EVERYTHING

Mercantile: US roof slate

Fertile: Animal skin roof slate

Versatile: Poetic roof slate

Particle: what ma does to make dad laugh

Implode: elf's burden

Adept: how far you can go down in Ireland

Divest: undergarment worn by a Welshman

Shellfish: a bit like a shelf.

Directory - where a welsh vicar lives