h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As far as gifts go, I'd stay away from foodstuffs and go with random trinkets and beads for bartering with the natives, that sort of thing. Try raiding a National Trust giftshop. Teatowels, address books with pictures of Hampton Court on the front, books with lots of glossy pictures, playing cards with pictures of Tudor monarchs and consorts... I mention these things because I've been given them at various times.

On the subject of border security - Bill Bailey has a few horribly accurate things to say about Aussie customs. Trust Bill on that subject.

Yes, I watch Border Security. Very strange stuff people try to bring through

Lots of rope for tying down kangaroos?

I thought maybe a beer warmer?

*shudders* Just leave it out of the fridge for 10 minutes, if you must...

BTW Is it all lager (which must be cooled like white wine) or do you have any ales or bitters which should be drunk at room temperature, like red wine - or do you cool red wine as well?

It's mostly lager or lagerish in nature; there are some called 'ale', but how authentic they are I can't tell because I have no firsthand knowledge of the matter. They are all generally served chilled; after a summer in Sydney you'll understand why.

One thing to note: Fosters and XXXX might have their fans in some parts of the country, but mostly that's just the rubbish we export. The nicer beers we keep for ourselves. Tasmanian beers in particular are pretty good.

Sometimes I do cool - not chill, just cool - red wine, by the way. Serving it at room temperature is all very well, but when the room temperature is 36C I'm prepared to reinterpret the concept. (Once again, we export the lesser wines and keep the best ones here.)

I was wondering how to interpret room temperature when it is so hot.
Nobody in the UK would serve lagers warm and lots of bitters are served chilled now, but the heavier beers tend to be, like you say, cooled but not chilled or not cooled at all if the weather is chilly. The cellars tend to be cooler than the rest of the place so beers are not as warm as the weather.

I hear beer is bought by the schooner. In the UK a schooner is what we serve sherry in. It is a small glass, probably big enough for a small glass of wine. I presume Aussie schooners are bigger than that...

Ah, the vexed question of beer glass sizes.

In New South Wales and the ACT, a schooner is (I think) 425ml. Pints are usually available - 570ml. There's also a middy, which is 285ml.

In South Australia, a schooner is 285ml, a pint is 425ml and an imperial pint is 570ml. There's a couple of glasses smaller than the schooner - the butcher and the pony - but these are too small to care about and they're almost a thing of the past now. (The last time I ordered a butcher, it was because I was out of money but still needed to prop up the bar until the person who owed me $100 showed up. The butcher was gone in three mouthfuls. Hardly worth it.)

In Victoria, a pot is 285ml and I can't remember what the 425ml glass is called - it might be a schooner.

The other states have their own ideas, of course. Tasmania has 8oz and 12oz glasses, but these might not actually be those volumes.

There. I hope that helps.

That was very clear.

If in doubt - point at a glass, or state 'the largest'....

When I was young, in Ireland it was frowned upon if a girl/woman ordered a pint for herself. Men drank pints, women glasses - which were half the size.

Some pubs wouldn't serve pints for women.

Inequality pissed me off then - and now - so I ordered a pint for my boyfriend and four glasses for me a my girlfriend every time.

My wife has pretty much always drunk pints but in some bars in the past we had to have them in two half pint glasses.

IN the UK there is a comedian called Al Murray whose on stage persona is "The Pub Landlord" and he always insists that men drink pints and "ladies" have a white wine.

My mum hated beer and generally drank soft drinks with the very rare gin and lime.

I think I remember lager starting to be drunk seriously in the UK. I remember some words of advice from my dad who was a "mild" drinker (that's the name of the brew, not a reference to his habits!) that it was better to drink bitter or lager as you could always see what they were doing with it and if it was cloudy to send it back. With mild it was so dark you couldn't see if it had been tampered with.

I'm in the process of applying for a visa. I have seen more complicated forms but I generally don't have to fill them in.

Do I need to take a skills test?
Can I speak English?
Have I been educated in English for 5 years?

How would I know?!

*giggles*

Good luck with all that rubbish.

I've had friends in Ashfield, Sydney offer to put me up until I can find somewhere of my own. That's very nice of them and they didn't even know about the ferrets and the bagpipes!

Will you need a special visa for all the vests? *hic*

It's called a vesta. It looks like a cross between a scooter and a box of matches, I think.

You'll need to put the ferrets through quarantine, of course. I don't know if they need separate visas.

They don't like matches very much in Australia

The ferrets don't much like coming out of my underpants so I guess I'll have to quarantine my underpants as well.

So Aussies don't like matches. Is that because they disapprove of smoking? I'll fit in there, then.