h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I had a phone call from my mother in law the other day to say that she had found the perfect card for her great grandson, my grandson (about to be 9).
"It's got a lovely tiger on the front. He likes tigers doesn't he?"
"Yes, I'm sure he'll like the tiger."
"And it says, 'I wanted to cover you in chocolate and lick it off...' and inside it there's a picture of an empty chocolate wrapper and it says, 'but I ate the chocolate!"
Silence
"Don't you think he'll like it?"
"I'm not sure it's appropriate."
"Why not?"
"Er... well it's more the sort of card that boyfriends and girfriends send to each other."
"Oh, alright then. I'll buy him another and give this one to the church bazaar."

Sounds like the sort of thing I'd do - eat the I meant!

And what's wrong with that??

She's a bit eccentric and has high expectations of people. She wanted to take the little chap out for a birthday tea so I drove him over and took her, Vesty Junior and Vesty JuniorJunior to her nearest shopping centre to look for a tea shop.
"This place looks OK" she said and frogmarched us in.
"I think it's a bar"
"Sit down!"
*Noise of Vesty, Vesty Junior and Vesty JuniorJunior sitting down.*
"Do you serve coffee and tea?"
Bemused barman,"Yes."
"Do you serve cakes?"
"Erm... no, sorry!
"That's alright I'll go to the cake shop up the road. You don't mind us eating our cakes here, do you?"
"Erm... er... No"
Out she goes taking Vesty Junior to the cake shop.
*Noise of Vesty smiling stupidly at the barman.*
"Can I have a cup of tea, please? And what would you like Vesty JuniorJunior?"
"Nuffink!"
"Just a cup of tea then please"
*Noise of Vesty and Vesty JuniorJunior waiting for tea to arrive.*
"There you go. One cup of tea."
Carries tray with milk jug, tea pot and sugar lumps to table.
"What are THOSE, grandad?" Demands VJJ.
"They are sugar lumps."
"What do you do with them?"
"Well instead of putting a spoon of sugar in your tea you can put one of those in."
"I haven't got any tea."
"No, but..." Looks around for other adults spying on this conversation. All clear! "... if you pick one up and dunk it quickly in the tea it changes colour and you can put it in your mouth."
VJJ follows instructions and smile appears on face.
"Can I have annuver one?"
"Be my guest."
*noise of sugar bowl rapidly emptying and Vesty's tea getting sweeter and sweeter.*
...
"Sorry we were so long but the cake shop was closed so we had to go to Tescos."
Plonks boxed chocolate cake on bar.
Barman dutifully provides sharp knife, plates, forks and serviettes.
"I'll have a tea."
"What would you like Vesty Junior?"
"Can I have a beer?"
"No - we're having cakes and tea - no alcohol!"
"Ok I'll have a Coke."
"I wanna cup of tea!"
"OK VJJ I'll get you a cup of tea."

*Noise of surprisingly pleasant tea with cakes and sugarlumps ensues for some time.*

*Note to self on vest. Don't presume that you can't do things just because they seem unusual at the time.*

Mother knows best