h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

now that the sound is back on


ED saunters over to the wallflower and whispers lasciviously
in her ear

I'd like to get you
on the slab sometime

the echo of the cough rings on

That's not a cough. It's a mixture of gurgling and the Sound of Music being played on the nearby church bells by a bell puller called Bong. Bong's good friend Bing shouts over the din.......

Y'KNOW... I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT DEAN MARTIN WAS MUCH BETTER THAN JERRY LEWIS. I MEAN, YOU LAUGHED AT JERRY, BUTCHA REALLY WANTED TO BE DEAN, Y'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

Before there was a reply, a shot rang out through the din of bells, killing both of them in a bizzare single bullet theory manouvre. Harry Fondue closes the window and puts his still smoking revolver into the ashtray.

Harry: Get out! All of you! I have a terrible headache from those bells!

One by one they all disappear, apart from Jimmy "The Turtle" and the wallflower, (who I think is also the redhead Jane Fondue, having read back a bit ). Jimmy fidgits nervously on the spot, his bad leg making the whole scene ungraceful.

Harry: It's okay Jimmy. They're not chocolate eggs. And you turn them 45 degrees in a clockwise direction.

Jimmy thanks him and shuffles out, knocking over a lampshade as he leaves. Harry's eyes are now quite firmly on Jane.

Harry: I expect you came here for something other than decorating.
Jane: Well sugar, I though that was pretty obvious.
Harry: So, what's the job?
Jane: Well, the job I've come to hire you for is...

....is so top secret I hardly like to tell you. You will have to follow the clues, until you discover......

my true identity...and even then this could all be yet another counter-bluff! In the meantime you had better......

....sit down with a glass of wine and write your will, while waiting for......

explain what you mean by "get me on the slab!"...i'll have you know that i am not that kind of wallflower!.....by the way, have you noticed that curious object in the corner over there?, it seems to be......

*The secretary gasps*
Billy... what are you doing here? I thought I told you not to visit me at work. *looks shiftily away*

.....the redhead whips off her wig and false eyelashes to reveal a bald head and HUGE ginger eyebrows!! I didn't expect you to be able to see through my disguise....he whimpered......

'CURSES !!!

Just as I was about to offer her a free measure and quote'



said ED
as he re-placed the dressmakers tape back around his neck

....I still need a dress darling
*purrs the newly bald man*
Just call me Jimmy....

But you're not Jimmy...your Billy...see above...or is that your REAL name? You know, I never did believe you, I was only with you for your money, anyway.

Jimlly: Shut up, I'm not here to visit you, I'm here for Fondue. And give me back that necklace.
Secretary: Err..oh. Well then...that was just a cover... because... wait! what's the over there?

preferably one that complements my beautiful skin tone....I had a really close shave today because.....

*eyes dart about the room with a look of total dumbfoundedness*..."I'm soooo confused!!!"
the wallflower

aha
mon petite

perhaps I can measure you?

*a look for shock covers her face*......Watch where you hold that tape!!
the wallflower

*the secretary smacks gum loudly while peering out from underneath the large brim of her hat. That's all.*

Harry Fondue throws back several headache tablets and washes them down with half a bottle of scotch - his usual migraine cure.

Harry: Billy, Jimmy, whatever. Get your hands off that wallflower and give me that tape. NOW!!!

Billy does what he says, begrudgingly. He steps back from Fondue, fists clenched and veins popping. His words slur like Clint Eastwood's would have, had Clint been born with an incurable cleft palette.

Billy: You sure have a way with words, Mr Fondue set. But you an' I've got a score to settle. So no more playing around.
Harry: Okay Billy, but for the sake of Toots, my gum chewing secretary here, you'd better explain what that score is.

Toots watched as Billy told his tale...

* Flashback in B / W * ........