h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So there's this guy.

Yeah, everyone has 'this guy'. Whatever. There's this guy. He's too old for me. He's not really that cute. He's funny, but not that funny. He smokes too much. He's an a**hole. But a nice one. He's too old. He's not cute. He's not that funny. He smokes too much. He's too damn old. He's not cute...

Anyway there's this guy I find myself attracted to, that I shouldn't be, that my rational mind is not attracted too. He's not attractive. He's not attractive. And yet.

He's made it abundantly clear that he is available at the asking. And I want. Don't know why, don't know why, but I want.

And yet every time he's around, which is not too often - couple weekends this summer, once right before school started, once in mid-October - I suddenly lose interest for the duration of his presence. In the most recent of these, he was around all Friday night and left. I was cursing myself all day Saturday for a missed opportunity, when he suddenly shows up late that afternoon. And interest dropped off again until his departure, at which time it was back to great regret. Even more than I don't understand my attraction to him, I don't understand my incredible reluctance to act when the opportunity presents itself.

The interplay of repulsion and attraction, of desire and hesitancy. I suppose it's all part of the interplay of opposites, surge and sudden dropoff, in both adolescent emotional state and blood hormone content. And yet all this duality leaves me darn confused.

I may see him again soon, this time not in a group setting. What's gonna happen this time? I guess only time, and my strange uncontrollable gut feelings, will tell.