h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have discovered there is more to life than gardening!! Strange but true. In the last four weeks I have not attended to my beautiful garden in more ways than one. Tonight I saw it for the first time and am appalled that I have let my rhododendron die (sob). Oh what to do now with a dead potted plant that I was once so very proud of. I blame Veers Revett the murderer. Because of him I forgot to water me plants - still I guess it dosn't really matter anymore. I have a large peiece of wood to put in its place and be reminded of the mad fool that stole it from the pub one balmy night in July, just so that I could have a keep sake.

I am NOT a murderer, I am an Imperial Assassin of the Guild. I have a State sanction. I never murder.

Sorry about the rhody, though. Still, now you've got somewhere to put your lump of wood. The mileage on your car will probably inprove now.

I think soon I will need a new car altogether coz the mileage is gonna kill it if I travel back and forth to yours 20 days in the next 28!!!! Still thats what car finance is for, we just need to imporve the final part of the journey with a new road from the motorway. Need to use your imperial assasin powers with the council me thinks.

Unfortunately, the Guild of Assassins Imperial has little sway with road planners. They seem to be the only people in the universe who are not moved to terror by a black-clad man with an osmotic syringe.

Still, amybe I could fix you up with some kind of AG vehicle to save wear-and-tear on the car. How about an ex Imperial Marine grav carrier? Just goes straight over traffic (or through, if you prefer). (Plasma cannon and Gauss guns optional).

OOOhh sounds quite promising, and I will take the option of the plasma cannon and Gauss guns too, since the idiots on the road that get in my way deserve it. My little car can have a rest then bless it.

OK, I'll get in touch with my contacts and see what Military surplus we can pick up. If I can't get plasma cannon would Phase Mortars be acceptable? How about Zenades?

How about I just use a Space Hopper and be done with this silly conversation?