h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's been... well, yesterday, anyway, technically speaking, one of those interesting sort of days that was particually sad and generally horrible.

Lovely weather; can't complain about that. The sun shone like anything

Money isn't too bad,either;I've managed to weasle thru the month alright.

The lads and I even managed to spend a couple of hours "quality" time together this evening, which nowadays is quite a rare event; lately we've all been so busy we've been communicating via hastilly scrawled notes on the kitchen table.

It's my friend Wendy.

Today is the first anniversary of her husband's sudden death. He was older than her by 15 years and Wen, like most of us in my group of mates is no spring chicken, so it was pretty likely Roy was likely to predecease her; but despite being severely physically disabled, he was in good health generally, so it came as a hell of a shock when he literally dropped dead from one sudden and comprehensively thorough heart attack this time last year.

I have witnessed grief in my time; but I have never, ever seen anyone so utterly and totally devastated as Wendy. Her grief and pain was almost frightening in its intensity. And so, along with her daughter, and her other friends I've done my share of listening,and being there for her; Which is what any decent friend would do, and no particular credit to me.

I'm very fond of her - she's extremely intelligent, one of the kindest people I know,

She can drive you nuts with her constant chatter, her flippancy and her inability to keep on any subject for more than 10 sentences because she has such a lively mind, I'll admit

And she's very capeable

she can do complicated things like setting Video and DVD players,and understands gadgets like I pods and mobile phones Between us we rebuilt my PC Tower from scratch: I made lots of coffee and passed her various screwdrivers whilst she did the easy bits like knit the wiring together

In short she's quite a remarkable person; there isn't anything she can't do not only competently but with panache. There isn't a situation she can't deal with.

Providing it's for someone else.

When it comes to Wendy looking after Wendy it's a different story.

She's done her best. She's acquired a gaggle of cats to keep her company; she's got herself a job to occupy her time gainfully; she remember (sometimes) to cook for herself, and she's kept her home together.

On the face of it, she's doing very well.

But this afternoon, I got a very tearful phone call asking if I'd "come round"

"Sure" I said "You sound a bit weepy mate,what's the problem?"

"I've had enough...of everything"

"Ah. I'll be round in 5"

I booted around to hers,let myself in,and she's curled up on the settee, in her PJs, supping a massive rum and coke, and with 3 still smoking ciggie butts in the ashtray, whilst attempting to light a 4th. God knows how she'd managed to light the first 3, because she was shaking like a leaf.

This is not how she *is, as a rule. No house slut or drunk is my friend. This is a woman who dresses well and knows all about make up and blow drying.

After a bit, she began talking,and after a while, I put the story together as follows:

Her bereavement Councellor had told her that they didn't want to be held responsible for Wen's state of mind, and she was strongly advised to get in touch with her GP

Wen's daughter was due to come over to her mums' as soon as the grandson got in from school

Despite the fact that the Daughter and I went thru the flat with a fine tooth comb to dispose of all of Roy's pain killers Wendy had managed to find a couple of bottles of heavy duty medicines we'd missed, and taken quite a few of them,together with the rest of her sleeping tablets, some valium and had gotten thru a third of a litre of Captain Morgan's Best, all within the last 6 hours.

She just wanted "to sleep and escape today and tomorrow" She was vexed that she hadn't gone to sleep yet.

In short; Houston,we have a bloody great problem.

First thing I did was to phone her GP's surgury, asking for an emergency visit. That was at3.00pm. The Dr, I was advised, would"Call Back"within 10 minutes.

Next thing was to quietly replace her drink with just Coke,and continue to gently question her as to what exactly she had taken. She let slip that she'd got hidden a further quantity of pills "incase", but I couldn't get it out of her as to their whereabouts.

3.30...no call from the GP. I rang again. The receptionist tried to fob me off with the usual bleat of A Doctor's Life is a Hard and Busy Life,to which I said I'm sure it was, but in the meantime, I would like to make it very clear that Mrs (Thingy) was not only suicidal, she had also taken a large amount of Controlled Drugs and her behaviour was becoming increasingly erratic and needed help.

4.00,still no call; and Wendy was becoming drowsier. I phoned again.

The daughter arrived.I brought her up to date. Whilst she took over questioning I rang again, and asked the receptionist to remind Dr Doolittle (again) that we were still waiting to hear from him.

Finally, at 5.45 he finally phoned.

No, he wasn't coming out,no he wasn't going to offer Mrs (Thingy) any form of tranquilising,but he *would arrange for an ambulance to take her to our local (over45 miles away sort of local)psychiatric unit.

Wemayhave to wait for up to 4 hours

We got Wen's bag packed.

She was very poorly by now; it was utterly dreadful to be witness to her gradual decline from the woman who I knew a year ago to the pale, frail,shaking scrap of humanity she was today. Her grief, even after a year is still as raw,as painful and as intense as it was the day her husband died. And although I'd say last year, it would be impossible for anyone to be so completely heartbroken, the grief she displayed*then is nothing to what she's expressing now.

She still cannot accept he's gone. It just won't sink in. And when the realisation does hit her, it hurts her so much her only desire to to escape into sleep, so she doesn't have to face it.

Daughter, daughter-in-law and I didn't know whether it was better for her to be allowed to go to sleep, or to ensure she remained conscious...so we rang the"Crisis Support" number we'd been given, to ask.

Just as well we did.

There was no record of any ambulance being requested. And as Wen wasn't in the system,our best bet was to do a 999 call,and start from scratch.

So The daughter made the call, and the daughter in law and I walked Wendy up and down to keep her awake.

Within 5minutes(at around7.00pm)the ambulance arrived, and the paramedics took over. Daughter and daughter in law followed Wen's ambulance,and I came home with a scratch supper, about5 minutes before the lads came in.

Fair play to them, they cooked supper whilst I made us that panacea for all ills,a pot of tea.

I went to bed at 11.00, but I haven't been able to sleep; I know there's no point in fretting and worrying; my friend is in the best possible place for the moment - at least she can't get hold of anymore medication to try and blot out her pain for now. She's surrounded with people, which is what she craves; she can't tolerate her own company. And hopefully, she might, at long last, be offered some form of help or support that's right for her

(Although I'm not holding me breath on that last one)


It's now 4.15am, and dawn's broken. The seagulls are having a quick morning cough before raiding the bins for their first fag end of the day. Life continues, as it always will.

And I still can't get out the image I have in my head, of Wendy, small, frail and huddled keening softly, over and over again "When's he coming back?"

Ev,

I skimmed through this and my thoughts are with you. I have to go but will email later. Just wanted you to know someone saw your post and thought about you.

Keep your pecker up. Back later.



Websailor

And I just stumbled in from the info page. I hope you don't mind. I couldn't leave again without saying anything. Wendy's so lucky to have a friend like you.

I hope you're getting some decent rest now...

Ivan.

Same for me Ev

I just fell into this from My Space. God, what a day for you , amd for your friend, and thank God she has a friend like you!

I take it you will be beating the shite out of the GP?

The world needs folk like you

Novo

Hello Ev,

It is very difficult to see your best friend suddenly go down hill like that . Some people may seem fine, but it is the deep feelings which causes the most problems and it is usually just a matter of time until everything just literally explodes.

I used to be a trained counsellor and have seen cases like this, once with my best friend which was difficult for me to deal with, to make the decision that this person needs further help than I can give is hard.

She is in the best possible place, with professional people around her giving guidance and support.

I know it is difficult but you must look after yourself, and try not to worry. They will not send her out until she is proved not to be a risk to herself, and I would think medication will be an essential thing.

If you ever fancy a chat by email, I will give you my address. In the mean time, I hope things go okay .

Nigel

Hi, Ev,

Back now and I have read more closely. You did the best you could, apart from taking a to the . What is this country coming to And what in heaven's name is a bereavement counsellor for?

It sounds very much as if your 'expert at coping' friend has not been coping as well as people thought. Such people are so good at hiding their own troubles, and are there for someone else always. Perhaps this was what was needed, though it would have been better sooner rather than later.

I have known several people like that, who are so good at coping they have no idea how to ask for help for themselves, or even to admit needing it, and let's face it we can all solve other people's problems better than our own.

Ev, I do hope you can get some rest as your friend will need you. Like Nigel, I am here on email if chatting will help. Sorry I couldn't respond before, but Nigel did a better job than I could anyway. He understands so much.

Take care of yourself, keep in touch, and let us know how your friend progresses.



Websailor

Gosh - I didn't expect any response at all for that sorry bit of Off Loading, so thank you all for dropping by; it was a really nice surprise.

Finally got off to kip around 6.00am, and got up around noon; that way I won't disrupt "sleeping" patterns too much; and frankly,I've still got a lot of prep to do for this craft fayre thingy I'm doing - weather dependent - this weekend.

I think it's more the other way around; I'm lucky to have a friend like Wendy, really; when positions were reversed a few years ago,it was Wendy who made the phone calls,harrassed the baddies/bureaucrats and did the organising when I was too down to want to continue. She stood with me at my DLA hearing, and was as happy for me as anyone could ever be, when I finally got awarded it.

It's what friends do, I guess. And she's a Good friend. As well as a lovely person.

She's being kept in hospital until she's been properly assessed,and apparently they'll take it from there; what seems likely is that she and The daughter will find a bigger house and move in together.We all remarked to each other, yesterday that Wendy's home is like a shrine to Roy;possibly it holds too many memories for her to cope with.

Personally I don't think it'll go any way to solving the problem she has of being unable to tolerate her own company and relying on others to make her feel better about herself but that's by the by. It's what'll work for her that's the important thing.

I'll be fine;I was simply very sad to see someone I care about so utterly bereft of...well, anything. She has no hope, no joy in life, no desire to live life fully any more. She's done a damned good job of giving the impression of "normality" but we knew it was only skin surface deep; I think we all hoped that, in time, she'd go thru a healthy Grieving Process...it must hurt her appaullingly to see that a year on, the rest of us have learned to live without Roy's presence in our lives - I know she feels she's being dis loyal to him somehow if she allows herself to enjoy a day without him.

Which is absolute nonsense,(if Wen was happy, then Roy was happy) but that's how she feels right now.

Ah well; she's a lot tougher than she believes she is; once she's discovered what most of us already know - that she's a remarkable and special human being - with luck, a prevailing wind and a lot of teasing/humour - we don't*do* soppy - she'll come to terms with things.

I'll slap her legs if she doesn't I want my friend back! Who *else could I have such a giggle in general with, Wendy style?

And ...er... Yes; There'll be more than a few Words Said to that of a GP; they'll be said to The Practice Manager, and any other professional body who'll listen. Up to and including my friendly local MP

The way I feel,I'll see that imcompetent so and so well and truely nailed. I need a hobby

Like Bob Hoskins once remarked..."It's Good To Talk"

Only in Dr Doolittle's case,it'll be more on the lines of "Mrs Thingy's friends and familly are not Happy wid' You..."

I'll keep ya posted - and please no one be a stranger here;I really appreciated your posts...so thanks

It was disgusting that the G.P. never responded to an emergency, especially when he finally said he would send an ambulance which never turned up.

A bit of friendly advice, I know that it is difficult to think straight at the time - but if ever, and I hope you are never, in a situation where someone has taken pills or is seriously suicidal just dial 999, don't bother going through a doctor. The receptionist should have advised you, or she should have done it, to dial 999 instead of waiting for a G.P. to contact you.

I am sure Wendy will be after the doctors have assessed her to find out what treatment will be needed to try and aid her recovery. To lose someone close to you is so difficult, as many of us know. The proportion of people who see a counsellor is when they have lost someone close, the person that has died wouldn't want to see us sad but to get on with our life the best we can without them. It is easier said than done though, I know.

I have had treatment from many counsellors in the past, and it has helped me but because of chemical imbalances, I have to take regular medication to try and correct this. I basically self-adjust dosages to how I feel, and the doctors are quite happy for me to do this.

I feel Wendy has kept these feelings bottled up for a long time, trying to deal with it in her own mind but we are all human, there is only a certain amount we can bottle up before the top just blows off. I understand that to ask for help is difficult, to put it into words to a person is not easy, and as Wendy sounds a strong character she has just put her thoughts aside focusing on helping other people.

To focus on helping other people is sometimes a good thing, you learn things to help yourself but it doesn't always take away the hurt and pain deep down.

Anyway, I have rattled on long enough . Hope the weather keeps fine for the craft fayre, Wendy will be .

Nigel

Hi Ev,

I think I may be similar to Nigel. I too have an inherited tendancy to depression, and also keep it under control with regular medication. For this reason I feel able to offer the same ear to you, or anyone who 'needs to talk'

Novo

Hi novosibirsk,

I have been on medication for anxiety and depression for about four years now. It does help, but can make me sleepy some days. I know a lot about counselling and therapy, apart from being trained, I have suffered like many people have with the horrid 'Black Dog Depression'.

The tablets help correct the chemical imbalances, but sometimes they don't always work which can make life miserable. Luckily, these attacks are not as bad as they used to and are slowly adjusting the medication to suit.

Nigel

Awww... you 2 are really people, you know that?

(And so, I hasten to add are Ivan and Websailor!)

I really appreciate your offers of help/listening, etc, but, like you two, I'm prone to depression myself, and have been there,done it and got the T shirt meself!

And it was my idea to make a video of it too

I've probably had more councelling for child abuse, alcoholic spouse syndrome and old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all and all than yer average person has had changes of underwear in a life time.

Dysfunctional Family Life? Ask Ev! Its just the tip of a whacking great iceberg.

(If you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, then may I refer you to the Poems I've got on site? You'll find them listed on my PS)



I fianlly cracked, pretty seriously, around the time I was coming to terms with being Disabled. I seemed to have got about as far as I could go, and I'd got myself stuck into a seriously suicidal mindset.(rather like Wendy is going through now)

I didn't publicise it,and nor did I actually want "help"

(Unlike Wendy. She's screaming for help, and hopefully she'll finally be offered the right sort)



....I'd decided, quite calmly that once I hit 50, and my lads were established into their careers I would simply take my monthly supply of morphine in one big hit, and, for want of a better way of describing it,leave the party early.

3 things decided me against it in the end.

*Another friend of mine was deeply hurt by her mother suiciding when she was the lads' age. So I didn't want to repeat that hurt of rejection to either her, or, indeed, my sons.

*I suddenly realised I was loved *for myself* by a heck of a lot of people I was rather fond of, and whose choice in friends I respected.


I wasn't actually sure *why they cared quite that much about me, but you don't get 20 or 30 people all having much the same opinion about someone, unless there's more than a grain of truth behind their reasening.

*And three, I realised I had, despite all the negative thoughts I was having, the desire to live and continue a few more of life's adventures. I haven't Bungee Jumped yet, nor have I parascended. And I haven't seen the Aurora Borealis up close and personal.

And I wonder if being 75 is as interesting as I hope it will be. I wanted to find out!

What I *needed* was a way to deal with "Being Stuck" I certainly didn't want to continue the way I "was"

So, with a bit of help from Sue,I found myself an amazing Clinical Hypnotherapist; and I got Councelled good and proper.

The hypnosis allows you to relax all ones defensive barriers without feeling anxious about it all, and somehow, without any conscious guidence, you finally discover the actual ROOT of your problem And you deal with it so easilly, at the end of it all, you honestly do wonder what on earth took you so long to do something so simple!

The theory behind the treatment is that as children, we cannot deal with Shame the first time we encounter it.

And how we deal with that shame the first time around affects us into our adult lives.

In my case, the first time I felt shame was being told off by mum for wanting my dad to cuddle me instead of her after I'd had a nightmare. I felt I was in the way, and shouldn't state my preferences, I suppose.

I felt I wasn't allowed to be loved by who I wanted to be loved by, and had to love people I actually didn't really want to know but "ought" to.

And... oh boy, did it affect me into my adult life!

Well, yes.. it did, rather.

I was brilliant at choosing very abusive or manipulative partners for starters! They got less abusive as time went on, of course, I wasn't quite that masochistic that I believed I ought to be beaten up, but I was very good at allowing myself to be deceived.... And even when I consciously searched for emotionally healthy men I had an unerring ability to fall for those who, well, charitably spoken of, I guess, Could Be Better.

I'm just very lucky in that whatever else I felt,it's never occured to me to hate anyone or to feel bitter afterwards.

I can't be asked to waste energy in reproaching them once I've had my final say, and I've never wasted time in blaming myself for more than my fair share of the mistakes. If revenge was ever needed, being indifferent to them afterwards was probably the most wounding thing I could do.

But that's genetics, I think; not something I had to learn.

Life's got Lumps, so Chew'em down to size seems a pretty good motto to live by.

I've had my share of anti depressants,and as a temporary measure(for me,anyway)I'm not knocking them. If there's a medical, chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed, then I'm all for them. I understand how awful it*is to be depressed,and like you two, I know I'm willing to"listen" and help out if asked.

It helps to have been there, and come out of the other side when you're listening, because there's a special sort of empathy.

I think.

I often wondered to myself, "What happens when the Listeners need to be listened to though? Who can *they turn to?"


And the wonderful thing is, you don't *need to try and find anyone; they just sort of turn up when the time's right!

Rather like this particular thread and its contributors if you like

<<>> I quite like this verse, I can always remember one my horticultural tutor used to say, which helped get through my mounds of paperwork when training to be a qualified horticulturist:

'How do you eat an elephant?' 'A bit at a time!' which is how I should tackle my mounds of paperwork. I know it sounds crazy, but it has always stuck in my mind!

Life can be very unfair, but we are getting through it a day at a time which is the main thing. Another thing a counsellor always told me which has stuck in my mind is: 'enjoy the good, and deal with the bad'.

<<>> Will look forward to seeing it on you-tube .

I am glad that the hypnotherapy worked for you. I have had it in the past, it helped a little but I feel it depends on what problems you have in order for it to work. I did a mini course on hypnotherapy some years ago. It was very interesting, did practice it on somebody the once, she is still in my wardrobe now, any idea's how to wake the person up . Seriously, I did a hypnotherapy course but have never been confident enough to try it on anybody.

Any volunteers?

Anyway, keep battling on.

Nigel

It's not so much what sort of problems you have,as regards hypnotherapy, I think Nigel, it's more to do with what *type* you choose to undergo.

NLP, for example- the stuff that Derren Browne uses, is great for confidence building because it's suggestion therapy.

But what if a suggestion just pushes the underlying problem further into the sub conscious?

The mind is a funny thing,for sure. I laugh with mine most of the time nowadays!

(Well, apart from yesterday, but that was yesterday)

Tell you what.. I'll do you a deal;you gain enough confidence to do your hypnotherapy thing,and I'll be a guinea pig for you!

You know, and I know, that being hypnotised does NOT mean a person will do or say anything they're not prepared to do or say, so it'll be quite safe.

In theory. How long has your first victim been in the wardrobe, did you say?


The thing I like best about what's happened to me is that it's released me from *working at being confident (I have more Front than Harrods: I've had to have had) to just "being" confident, with no conscious thought or effort anymore.

In short, I don't have to struggle with being me anymore. Which is a remarkably nice feeling.

If the meds don't work with Wendy then I do believe this person who helped me to help myself could certainly help Wendy, as well.

It'd certainly be worth her giving it a try.